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Inside the sad world of social media wannabe kings.
By Katie JgIn — Written on Jan 15, 2023
I’ve recently come across yet another ‘dating coach’ on Tik Tok.
One of his page’s most popular videos — ‘Stop Whining’ — has over half a million views. And it’s so cringy it’s almost physically painful to watch.
Here is one piece of ‘advice’ from it:
You shouldn’t whine in front of a woman, bring her your problems, tell her your doubts and fears, and all this other BS Do you know why? Because she can’t do s*** about it.
Funnily enough, he even put #mentalhealth as one of the hashtags in the video’s description. Nice.
I have to say, though, at first, I was hoping maybe this video was satire. But by looking at his other content and his website — called the Hustler’s University 2.0 — it’s pretty clear that it isn’t.
Mr. Hustler is serious. And he isn’t the only one of his kind. Social media, particularly Tik Tok, is full of people like him who prey on young men and bombard them with all sorts of horrible ‘life hacks’ and ‘dating advice.’
No wonder why toxic masculinity is still alive and well. No wonder why so many boys and young men identify as ‘incels’ and struggle to date women. And no wonder why girls and women keep getting abused at alarming rates — both online and offline.
But why are these ‘dating coaches' even popular in the first place? And how can we combat this new wave of toxic masculinity?
Inside the sad world of the self-proclaimed dating coaches
Although you can find problematic dating coaches and pickup artists all over the Internet, it’s Tik Tok that seems to have become their favorite place to be lately. And that’s probably because it’s still primarily a young people’s app — and who better to brainwash than teenage boys, right?
There’s Russel Harty, the founder, and CEO of Get Coaching Inc., with over half a million followers on Tik Tok alone. There’s Debauched Romeo with over a hundred thousand followers. There’s Heartbreak Nino, who has slightly less than that. And then there are many other aspiring social media dating coaches — like Mr. Hustler — who desperately want to follow in their footsteps.
All of these people produce mediocre and cringy content branded as ‘dating advice.’ But in reality, it’s just blatant misogyny and toxic masculinity in disguise.
How come?
Well, because they compare women to animals or objects. They claim women live in ‘easy mode’, and we shouldn’t listen to their ‘whining’ about feminism. They teach men that sex is a commodity, and withholding it makes the woman a villain.
They tell them to approach ‘ugly girls’ to have sex with the hot ones. They claim that showing emotions and being affectionate is the opposite of what women want. They advise them to use women and treat them coldly instead and then leave them in the dust if they wish to have a real relationship and connection.
They even go as far as to encourage verbal and physical abuse the moment their women ‘show any free will’ or reject them in order to put them back in their ‘rightful place.’
In their sad little world, women are entirely dehumanized. They object to being used, abused, and discarded. They’re just part of the ‘game,’ after all. And their worth depends solely on their looks and willingness to submit to men.
Right.
I’ve only watched around 20–30 of their most popular videos, but I think I’ve had enough of toxic masculinity today to last a lifetime at this point.
What’s equally disturbing — although not at all surprising — is that none of these self-proclaimed dating coaches seems to have any relevant degrees or qualifications. None of them also seem to actually ever have had a girlfriend. And just by looking at their comment sections, women don’t exactly agree with anything they say, to put it politely.
However, despite all that, they offer pricy one-on-one consultations, sell dating courses, and frequently boast about their success in helping men in the dating scene. Of course.
‘The world is against you — but I can help
There’s something about these dating coaches tapping into young men’s insecurities that feels almost like radicalization or indoctrination into conspiracy theories.
The world is against you, guys. It’s all women’s and feminism’s fault. You will never be treated with respect if you continue being the ‘good guy.’ The system is rigged against guys like that. But I can help you turn things around.
If you don’t have Tik Tok, but the above sounds familiar to you, that’s because it’s not only these self-proclaimed dating coaches who push that narrative. It’s all sorts of men. It’s the Jordan Petersons of this world. It’s the ‘hustle bros.’ It’s even the religious fundamentalists.
Today’s world hates men and masculinity; they all seem to shout at the top of their lungs.
Well, at least they got one thing right, kind of — yes, we do hate masculinity, but only its toxic version. The one that perpetuates domination and aggression. The one that teaches boys to suppress their emotions because it’s ‘unmanly’ and a sign of weakness. The one that tells them they can’t ask for help and have to be tough at all times.
This form of masculinity still sadly has a firm grip on many men. It still drives many parts of today’s society — from politics, business, and entertainment to personal relationships.
Yet instead of calling it out to build a better, more equal world, many people deny it exists in the first place. It’s just a myth. Created by feminists, of course.
Why?
Because today’s world is against men.
Ah, yes. And we’re back to square one.
How much easier it is, though, to blame ‘the world,’ women, or feminism, for the struggles men face today instead of focusing on how to solve them? And how much easier it is to encourage men to treat women like objects or prey, tricking and baiting them with mind games, instead of teaching them how to communicate, be vulnerable and express their emotions?
Far from setting up men for success, these Tik Tok dating coaches only further exacerbate problems men struggle with in today’s society. Yes, men have it hard, too. Albeit for different reasons than women.
But by looking at how our society was for the last, god knows how long it’s not difficult to wonder why is that. For centuries on end, they were the only ones calling the shots. So it’s understandable that they might feel like their place in the modern world is becoming less purposeful compared to the situation before.
And while we might still be largely living in a man’s world, it won’t be one for long. It’s about time we’ve all accepted that and moved on.
We need to start addressing toxic masculinity instead of pretending it doesn’t exist
Dating coaches and pick-up artists are just wannabe kings with cardboard crowns desperate for a throne. And money. And in pursuit of both of these things, they are looking to enfeeble and rule over other men to elevate themselves.
They are nothing more than that. And they are certainly not interested in actually helping men with their dating life.
Still, many young men, seem to be listening to them and taking their problematic advice seriously. And that’s quite worrying.
Not only because it will affect them and their mental health negatively, but also everyone else in their environment. Their present and future girlfriends or wives. Their families. And those who don’t fit into this very narrow ‘man box’ — including queer men and gender non-conforming people.
Because toxic masculinity too often translates into real-life violence and aggression. And it feeds into other issues, like rape culture, homophobia, and transphobia.
But in reality, it isn’t even ‘masculinity’ per se.
It’s lack thereof.
And while I’m not surprised why in an attempt to claw back a sense of manliness, some men perpetuate toxic masculinity and listen to the likes of Mr. Hustler, we won’t fix this situation by accepting that some men will always be like that. Or by dismissing it entirely. Or by advising women, not to date men like that.
No, toxic masculinity should — and needs to — be addressed by changing how boys and young men are raised in today’s society. By helping them understand that they don’t have to conform to archaic aggressive stereotypes of masculinity. That dominance, aggression, hyper-independence, and fear of emotions aren’t necessary parts of being a man.
And luckily, there are already charities and initiatives out there, like Beyond Equality or The Good Men Project, who try to do just that.
Tackling the root causes of inequality and promoting positive masculinity will ultimately benefit all of us — both men and women. The very same way supporting feminism does.
What a shocker, I know.
But it’s obviously much easier to frame it as what’s ruining men and ‘real’ masculinity in today’s society.
That and Harry Styles wearing flamboyant dresses, of course.
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Katie Jgln is a writer, satirist, social scientist, and activist whose work covers gender equality issues, pop culture, and trending news. She has bylines in Scary Mommy, Daily Mail, and others.
This article was originally published at Medium. Reprinted with permission from the author.