3 Counterintuitive Signs You're Dealing With Someone Who's Emotionally Unavailable

You probably think these things mean something else.

woman looking away from partner fizkes / Shutterstock

Have you recently started dating someone? If you have, then chances are you're feeling pretty overwhelmed. Let's face it, planning dates and getting to connect on a deeper level is pretty intimidating.

Yet, figuring out if someone is truly ready to commit to you is even more intimidating and confusing. So, how can you tell if the person you're crushing on is emotionally unavailable?

Dating coach Sabrina Zohar breaks down the three signs to watch out for that might indicate someone is emotionally unavailable.


RELATED: Emotionally Unavailable Men Share These 7 Characteristics


Three Signs You're Dealing With Someone Emotionally Unavailable

1. They're always on your mind and you feel like you can't get through your day without having to talk to them.

At first glance, you might not see this as a sign the person you are thinking about is emotionally unavailable. You'll probably think you're obsessed with this person. That they're your twin flame our soul mate and that's why you're so obsessed with them.

However, Zohar explains, "They are starving you from your emotional needs being met."

This can explain why they're always on your mind. You don't know what will happen next and this keeps you right on the edge of your seat.

Zohar continues, "And the reason you talk to all of your friends and family about it is because you don't actually know what they're thinking and so there's a confusion there."


So you keep talking about this person, hoping to make sense of their behavior, when the truth is, they're just emotionally unavailable to you.

2. Getting butterflies every time you see a text from them.

Does your nervous system go crazy whenever you see them or get a text from them? We are often led to believe that those butterflies are a sign of affection and attraction. But this couldn't be further from the truth.

"Interestingly, the magical feeling of butterflies comes from the very same part of our brain responsible for registering threat and fear—the very same portion responsible for our anxiety—the amygdala," says licensed therapist Sheva Rajaee.

@coachkatedurocher Butterflies are a warning sign from your body when it comes to dating and relationships/ Please listen to those uneasy, fluttery feelings and know your stomach turning whenever you think about the person you’re seeing is NOT actually a good thing (like we’ve been told it is). If you feel constant anxiety, on edge, or begin to feel obsessive or out of control, those are all clear indicators that the person you’re dating is not someone who will be healthy for you in the long run. Often times, our bodies know things before we even do - honor and trust yourself by listening to those clues and leaving the situation before you find out the hard way that your intuition was right all along. #Dating #Datingcoach #Communication #butterfly #butterflies #anxiety #anxietyrelief #Communication #BreakingUp #Mindbodyspirit #Healingjourney #Relationshipgoals #Selflove #Datingadvice #datingtipsforwomen ♬ original sound - Kate Durocher

Yet, in the case of someone emotionally unavailable, it's a bit different. Those butterflies you experience are because you never know when they'll talk to you. So when they do, you get just enough of a dopamine boost to keep you going in this toxic cycle. But why do we do this?


Zohar explains, "Perhaps one of your caregivers was super inconsistent so thus in your adult relationships you are relieving that manifestation to hope that you can be chosen."

But in reality, this mindset does the exact opposite. It reinforces the belief that you're not good enough to be chosen, making your self-confidence and self-worth all but plummet.

RELATED: 4 Specific Signs You're In Love With An Emotionally Unavailable Woman

3. You feel so drawn to them and when you're with them it's the highest of highs.

Being with this person might make you feel like you're on top of the world — and maybe to you, that's a green flag.

But, be careful, as it could actually be a huge sign that they're emotionally unavailable.


Zohar explains, "That's because when they're 'so busy' that when they prioritize you or make you part of their life you feel chosen."

And I get it, we all want to feel special, chosen, and acknowledged. However, chasing someone who has no intention of choosing you will only hurt you in the end.

Yet, for some people, they can't help it. Feeling as if there's a big hole in their life, they'll chase and chase, hoping to receive the love they've always wanted but never got when they were younger.

@najwazebian I made this three years ago but I now it’ll help ❤️ #traumabond #relationships ♬ Wings - BLVKSHP

Dealing with an emotionally unavailable person is not just physically exhausting — it's emotionally draining too.

And we waste so much of our time obsessing over someone who isn't even emotionally committed to us. So, do yourself a favor and run for the hills if you've ever noticed these three signs. Your future mental health will thank you for that.

RELATED: Why Your Partner Is Emotionally Unavailable


Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.