Photo: YAKOBCHUK VIACHESLAV / Shutterstock
When you're married to a selfish husband you feel like your relationship is one-sided.
By Megan Hatch — Last updated on Oct 07, 2022
Marriage should always be a two-way street, a 50/50 split, and always equally sharing responsibility, so it's no surprise that one of the worst things that can happen to a marriage is dealing with a selfish husband.
If you're married to a selfish man, it can feel like your relationship is one-sided and you have no support from your partner in your marriage.
Your married life is beginning to suffocate and frustrate you and you don't know what to do.
You've learned not to expect anything from a selfish spouse because a selfish partner never treats your feelings as valid.
Sometimes their selfish behaviors can stem from their childhood experience such as being an only child, never learning how to share, or having insecurity complexes over time. Other things that could cause your husband to become more selfish are the birth of a child, work stress, or male bigotry.
Being selfish is all about being devoted to yourself, only concerned with your own interests, benefits, welfare, and more, regardless of others and their feelings.
At a certain point, you need to put your foot down and say enough is enough with the selfish behavior. No woman deserves to deal with a selfish man or with feeling guilty all the time.
If you're wondering, "how can I tell if my husband is selfish?" look for certain signs. Then, it's time to address the issue and decide to fix your marriage together.
According to Clinical Hypnotherapist and Relationship Coach Keya Murthy, there are key signs that point to you dealing with a selfish man.
"A selfish husband always tends to his moods and personal needs and ignores his partner’s moods and needs. A selfish husband convinces his partner to agree with him all the time. If he ever does something for the wife, which could be years ago, he always brings it up as a medal of honor to show how much he gives into the relationship," explains Murthy.
Here are a few more things to look for in your marriage.
15 Signs of a selfish husband
1. He wants to be the dominant partner.
A selfish husband always wants to be in charge and pushes his dominance way past the acceptance rate in the relationship.
He makes you feel less worthy in the relationship and belittles you with his dominance.
He's unwilling to compromise on anything. Everything is his way or the highway and you can't get anything past him.
He will also lash out at you with his dominance when something isn't done his way or he doesn't get his way.
2. He always prioritizes himself.
If you have a selfish husband you know that, no matter what and in any scenario, he prioritizes himself. He is so self-absorbed that he honestly could care less about your wants and needs.
Your well-being and level of comfort don't matter to him as he makes all the choices and decisions.
There's no arguing with him because everything is going to go his way, you cannot change his mind. Even if he buys you something or does something to make you feel nice, he won't ask you if that's something you wanted or cared for.
3. He's not there when you need him.
There are times in our lives where things get rough and we need someone by our side to comfort us and be there when the going gets tough.
Unfortunately for you, if you have a selfish husband who doesn't understand this, he won't do things to help cheer you up or even notice if you're in a sad mood.
He doesn't even try to make you feel happy or notice when things are wrong. He won't comfort you the same way you would for him and see's your hurt as annoying or exhausting for him to deal with.
The only types of things he notices are things that go wrong, like you not doing something his way or not being there for him.
It feels completely one-sided and you aren't getting the type of attention from him that you want or deserve because it's all negative and aggressive.
4. He doesn't respect you.
Respect can be shown in lots of ways but a selfish husband proves in many ways that he doesn't respect or care for you.
Murthy lists some signs of disrespect in a marriage such as getting cut off in mid-sentence when you are trying to have a conversation and having little to no respect for your feelings.
He won't respect your time, energy, or love because a selfish man is unappreciative and uncaring. He doesn't care about your time and he never makes time for you.
On the other hand, when it comes to his time, you always need to be available for him and fit into his schedule.
According to Life Coach Ann Papayoti, selfish people put themselves, their needs, goals, and desires ahead of others consistently.
"In a marriage or any committed relationship, this is destructive to the partnership and devastating to the partner. It feels disrespectful because there is no regard for the other’s preferences," says Papayoti. "The selfish man has a high ego, low self-awareness, and little emotional regulation. He will not take responsibility for having hurt another and will always claim to know best; in other words, he will not tolerate having his judgment questioned."
He doesn't respect you and is a selfish husband if he always puts you down, uses abusive language and actions, and has narcissistic traits that are toxic and most likely fatal to the health of the relationship.
5. He doesn't care about your interests.
Spouses can always have different hobbies and interests. That's perfectly normal. However, what's not normal is your spouse not supporting your interests and then expecting you to support him.
You have to practically beg him to support you because it obviously doesn't come naturally to him.
You feel like you know everything about him but he knows nothing about you because of his lack of interest in even getting to know you more or caring about your jobs, hobbies, and passions in life.
6. He shows a lack of understanding and disregard for your feelings.
A selfish husband is so out of touch with your feelings that he doesn't even understand when you might get upset about something.
If the two of you get into a fight about your feelings, he still won't care and even after the fight, he doesn't reach out to see if you're OK.
7. He uses you and treats you like a servant.
A selfish husband will most likely believe in sexist norms from the past such as a woman belonging in the kitchen and doing all the household chores. Because of this belief, he won't lift even a finger to help.
Maybe you don't like to admit it but you are always doing the heavy lifting in the house and he doesn't even ask you if you need help and he will never be caught helping without you asking first.
According to Relationship and Communication Coach Marilyn Sutherland, women often sacrifice themselves to take care of others by being a "pleaser" based on fear.
"Selfish is 'I have to take care of myself (selfish) or I won't get what I need/want;' Pleaser is 'I have to take care of you so you will love me and take care of me so I will get what I need/want,'" Sutherland explains.
8. He doesn't care about your needs in bed.
When you're married to a selfish husband, even your needs in the bedroom aren't met. He doesn't even make the effort to please you because he wants to follow his own pace and rhythm, and expects you to be pleased when he is.
He also doesn't care if you're in the mood to have sex, he only wants to have it when he feels like sleeping with you. Even after intercourse, he won't care if you were satisfied and he'll just turn over and not even cuddle you.
9. He doesn't care about your friends and family.
Typically, husbands and wives respect each other's family and friends. In the best-case scenario, they get along or end up loving each other's family and friends just as their spouses do.
However, this isn't the case for a selfish husband as he doesn't care at all about your family and friends and is very open and honest about those feelings. He also doesn't care what others have to say as he has no respect for any of them.
10. He constantly criticizes you.
No matter how hard you try to please your selfish husband, he will never be satisfied, and therefore he is constantly criticizing you.
"No matter what you say or how to try to say it, the selfish husband repeats himself with the same words or calls you a debilitating name and asks you why you can’t understand what he is saying," Murthy explains. "He might also say what he needs to say and cold-wall you, walk away after he speaks without giving you an opportunity to respond."
You feel constantly drained from working so hard and not getting any positive feedback or results back from all your effort to make him happy or satisfied.
11. He doesn't compliment you.
Women love their spouses appreciating them and commenting on their looks occasionally, but a woman with a selfish husband doesn't know what that's like as their husband would never do something like that.
"A selfish person often accuses others of being selfish, because they see the world through the glasses they wear — selfishness."
Even if it's not about looks, maybe it's that you won an award at work or are a successful woman, he doesn't show you or care to give you compliments of love as he doesn't think that way.
12. He avoids communication with you.
Open communication is of key importance in a marriage. When there's no communication there's no room to build your relationship and make it stronger. Even simple communication will make a marriage work like expressing your thoughts and feelings and being honest and open to your spouse.
A selfish husband doesn't know how to communicate neither does he care to learn how and that puts so much pressure on you to make the marriage work as you can't get anything out of him unless he chooses to tell you something.
13. He doesn't show displays of affection.
Not everyone likes PDA, however, it is nice to occasionally get a kiss or hug from your husband out of the blue or when you need it.
A selfish husband won't do these sorts of things, neither does he care to even do things like kiss, hug, or cuddle you. However, he expects all that from you to give him all of that. Nothing is ever fair in love and in your marriage.
14. He never takes you out on romantic dates.
Occasionally it's nice to have a romantic date night with your spouse as the two of you can spark some romance in your marriage. A romantic movie date, dinner date, or trip can spice things up and remind the two of you about the connection and love you have with one another.
If you plan a romantic date and your husband is not on board for it, that's concerning. A selfish husband often doesn't want to or care to go out on a romantic date as he only has his feelings in mind and would never think to do this with you.
15. He is unaware that there are problems in your marriage.
Even if you address any problems in your marriage with your husband he won't listen if he's a selfish husband. He also will be so clueless that there are problems in your marriage because he's so self-absorbed.
The moment you get angry and upset and talk to him about your problems he will seem caught off-guard and try and may even try gaslighting you into thinking that it's somehow your fault that there are problems in your marriage.
How to deal with a selfish husband
If you are at your breaking point it's time to have a serious talk and maybe use the help of a professional to get down to the bottom of your husband's problems and behavior if you want to save your marriage.
A selfish man cannot see himself as selfish, and therefore that makes a relationship with a selfish man difficult to navigate. but the couple can be helped professionally. A selfish husband needs his partner and that's why he pushes her boundaries, at the cost of being a controlling manipulator.
"It’s nearly impossible to deal with a selfish husband. He’ll not change for you," says Murthy. "So, if you want to keep your marriage for whatever reason, you need to work with a therapist and healer. You need a powerful ally in the form of a spiritual mentor. You may not be able to save your marriage but you can save your sanity and dignity by working on how you view your relationship and the selfish husband."
Pick a time to talk with him about your feelings at the time you know that works for him and you need to make sure he's in a good mood. Bring up your feelings using "I" statements as you won't alienate him and he won't be able to turn things around.
You also should notice when he isn't being selfish and compliment or tell him that you appreciated whatever he did that was a small change. That way he can change the way he thinks and you can positively reinforce him and he will use your appreciation to encourage himself to do better.
It's important to understand that a marriage to a selfish person just may not be able to work out.
"Selfish people do not change for others, and when they change they do it only because it is advantageous to them. A selfish person struggles with selflessness just like a selfless person finds it impossible to be selfish," says Murthy.
Remember to never bear the pain and speak up when he's making you feel bad. Use the help of a marriage coach or therapist if you think he'll listen to others over you.
Lastly, you should try and stay positive even if it might be hard, in order to do that you need to make sure to invest in your own self.
More for You:
Megan Hatch is a writer at YourTango who covers pop culture, love and relationships, and self-care.