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Instead of having a safe vulnerability, I got stuck being objectified and shamed.
By Lilly Strong — Written on Feb 27, 2023
Nothing kills intimacy as irreversibly as porn addiction.
Controversy swirls around whether or not pornography should be classified as an addiction. But those who have experienced it firsthand know how destructive and out-of-control it can be.
My marriage fell victim to the easy access and prevalence of internet pornography.
Now divorced, I look back over the years and clearly see how my husband’s heavy dependence on porn killed our intimacy.
I remember…my dream
I started my life as a newlywed with great enthusiasm and excitement.
I was seduced by the promise of a fairy-tale existence with my significant other. My romantic heart fantasized about closeness, coziness, and the loving life we would lead as partners:
- Cuddling in each other’s arms on Saturday mornings
- Spilling our souls over candle-lit dinners
- Passionately making love in front of a fireplace on chilly evenings
What did I crave most? Intimacy.
Intimacy is a close connection with a person who makes you feel validated and safe to be vulnerable. Couples with this strong link feel free to love both themselves and each other with complete abandon.
My dream was to have intimacy with my husband. To build a life together that was strong, close, and supportive. Little did I know that dream was out of my reach before I even had the chance to say 'I do'.
I remember...the unrealistic expectations
During our first year of marriage, I discovered that my husband liked to watch porn.
Growing up during the heyday of Playboy, I felt my thinking was progressive and enlightened. I didn’t see pornography usage as unusual. In fact, I thought most men watched it.
I bought into the lie that porn is benign and harmless — maybe even something that could enhance our sex life.
I didn’t understand that anything done to the extreme is out of balance.
My husband complained that I did nothing to act like the paid, scripted women on the screen. He objectified them. Worse, he normalized them and declared me deficient.
"Other girls like to…"
"Most women will…"
"There is something wrong with you."
"You have such a good body. You are false advertising."
These words crushed me. I enjoyed sex and wanted more than anything to have a good sex life with my husband, but I was never good enough.
It’s not hard to see he was comparing me to pornography. Who expects their partner to act like a paid porn star 24/7? He did.
Unrealistic expectations grew.
Sadly, my husband never allowed himself to have a healthy sexual curiosity about me. He didn’t care about meeting my needs. To him, I was just an object for his pleasure.
I remember…the decrease in sexual satisfaction
According to Harvard Medical School, “Sex, shopping, smelling cookies baking in the oven — all these things can trigger dopamine release or a ‘dopamine rush.’”
Dopamine is a natural chemical released into the brain that provides an intense feeling of reward.
In an article by NeuroScience News, it's also revealed that frequent pornography viewing can cause a high release of dopamine at unnaturally elevated levels, similar to drug use.
The result? Pornography becomes more stimulating than actual, physical sex with a real partner.
My husband began experiencing erectile dysfunction. He blamed me, of course. Again I heard: "Most girls like…; Other women do more…; You’re false advertising."
Instead of feeling safe being vulnerable with my lover, I felt like a failure.
All I wanted was to make him happy, which set me up for the next phase.
I remember…the increase in risky behavior
My husband talked dirty during sex. Nothing crazy, just little bits of fantasy and imagination. Again, I accepted this as 'normal'. I didn’t realize pornography was a devil perched on my husband’s shoulder whispering in his ear.
Normal was no longer enough. He demolished all boundaries.
One night, he got really turned on talking about having another man join us. I played along because it made him happy. What could go wrong?
Well, he suddenly turned to me and asked in all seriousness: "Really? Can I bring another man here?"
Um, no — hell no!
That doesn’t turn me on. And if he understood me at all, he would have known that.
I hated the excitement that shone in his eyes; and the disappointment that quickly replaced them like a splash of cold water.
I wanted him to cherish me. I wanted healthy, validated intimacy.
Instead, I felt guilt and shame because I didn’t share his fantasy.
Prestige Men's Medical Center says: "Men who regularly consume pornography at high rates demonstrate a marked increase in their tolerance of abnormal sexual interactions and behaviors--namely toward aggression, promiscuity, and violence."
One night, out of the blue, my husband inexplicably told me that if I were ever to get raped that he wanted me to relax and enjoy it.
At the time I laughed at the ridiculousness of that statement. I told him he obviously knew nothing of how a woman’s body and brain worked.
After some therapy, I now accept that one of his greatest fantasies was to see me not just have sex with another man but be raped. He fantasized about my rape. Violence in sex had become normal in his mind. Thank goodness he never acted on that desire.
There is no doubt in my mind that pornography killed our intimacy. I discovered my husband watched porn and masturbated daily. His brain was flooded with fantasy and dopamine.
How could intimacy survive?
Obviously, it didn’t. I never got my fairytale romance or intimacy. I never got to feel safe in my vulnerability.
Well, not with him.
But I know there is someone out there for me who will turn my world inside out. Someone who will love me for me and won’t objectify me. And when that person comes along, our intimacy is going to be unbelievably sexy. I’ll finally get my fairytale ending.
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Lilly Strong is a freelance writer who focuses on personal wellness, encouragement, self-care, and betrayal.