Photo: MDV Edwards / Shutterstock
Ouch.
By Jamille Jones — Written on Sep 09, 2022
Cheating is an unfortunate thing that happens to even the best of us. It's a problem that goes as far back as human history does, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. When your partner cheats on you, it can make you feel less desirable or not good enough. A heartbreak affects you both physically and emotionally, and it can have a devastating effect on your life.
Infidelity breaks up families, ends friendships, and forces us to take a look at ourselves and the people who we decide to keep in our lives. It's one thing to find out someone is cheating on you — but it's a totally different ballgame when you're able to catch a cheater in the act.
These 13 people shared their stories of the heartbreaking ways that they've found out about their partner cheating on them — and the signs of cheating they missed.
1. I walked in on him with my best friend having sex in the spare bedroom.
We're still married. I'm still friends with her. I thought I'd feel outraged. I didn't. I felt sad and lonesome. The thing that bothered me most was that they never gave me the opportunity to talk about it. They just assumed I'd be against it and did their best to keep me from finding out so that I wouldn't be "hurt".
It was hard. I felt like everything about me was insufficient. I felt ashamed of being not enough - of not being important enough to remember when they were together.
Walking in on them forced me to take a hard look at things many folks never really question. I thought I knew how I'd feel and I was wrong. It turns out that I cared the least about the having sex thing. I've never felt strongly about that. I tend to feel that monogamy is right for some people but not everyone and that love is not a finite resource. There was nothing about that relationship that diminished me. The problem was the secret, not the sex.
So I'm still married. I'm still friends with her. I don't feel bad about it. My marriage has room for friendships that include intimacy, and that's wonderful (for me too). I might never have discovered that without walking in on them — I would have preferred something a little less distressing, but life is like that sometimes.
2. His phone revealed all.
Just to note, he always tended to lie about things. But only small things so I tried not to pay attention to that.
By then, we’d been together for 4.5 years. Just before he was due to start his job after finishing law school, he went on a month-long trip with a tour group to Russia and China. He mentioned meeting some people on tour, including a lone married woman from Paris.
However, after he came back, everything was immediately very wrong:
- He didn’t want me to look through his phone.
- He started talking about how he didn’t want to get married soon.
- He insisted that his new job is going to be so tough that he would never have much time for the relationship.
- He became a lot more private about Facebook, Whatsapp, texts, etc
The final incident that led me to find out:
I’d seen a Facebook message from the married French woman talking about them meeting up in Paris. I also saw on his internet history that he was checking for hotel availabilities in Paris. Whenever I questioned him about the inconsistencies though, he just dismissed them.
The day before my birthday, we dined in a nice restaurant. The very next day, he went to “Belgium” over the weekend. He even texted me throughout to keep me “up to date.” He came back late on a Sunday evening. He brought some “souvenirs.”
Instead of getting something made locally that could only be purchased in Belgium, he brought me Godiva chocolates, which you could get anywhere in London. So I secretly took his phone and checked his messages And there it was! Texts from her saying how she had a wonderful time with him in Paris, sorry to see him go, and that she missed him already and couldn’t wait to see him again soon.
I felt lightheaded and just couldn’t really comprehend what was happening. At about 1 am, I packed his things, ripped the birthday card I had spent the weekend making for him, and he left.
It is now 3 years later, I think about it sometimes and then smile to myself. Thank goodness it happened and it happened then! Last I heard, the woman got a divorce, he moved to Paris and they got engaged relatively quickly. Knowing what I know about him and his tendency to lie, he is now going to be her problem. *winks*
3. I found love notes from someone else.
My marriage was in a bad place. There was nothing — no spark, no sharing of interests, little communication, no dreams… we were just existing.
I took a three-month assignment overseas, and I didn’t even include her in my decision. I began viewing pornography, frequently. This escalated over time to the point where I began to see prostitutes. After a particularly scary experience, I finally did stop, about six months before I discovered the affair. She struck up a friendship. It quickly turned into more than a friendship. By the time I got back, they were in love.
I got home from a work trip, and she was away with the kids at their swim meet. For some reason, I went through her computer bag. There I found the love notes and cards. It literally floored me. I was on my knees, reeling. I could not think rationally. I made copies of all the love notes. I thought they might come in handy for the divorce.
I texted her and got no reply. She called. My heart is about to explode. “He’s just a friend,” she says. “Bulls***. I saw the notes. We both know it’s more than friendship. Were you going to tell me? Tell me about him. Wait, never mind him. Do you want me gone? I can be gone by the time you get home.” “No,” she says, “I want you, but things need to change.” She tells me she knows about the prostitutes.
She and the kids arrive home. The kids go their way, and we go out to the back patio to talk. I hug her. I ask a lot of questions. She answers them all, but as I later discover, she’s not truthful about much of it. I forgive her that night. I’d been a bad husband. I made her feel unworthy, unloveable. I had treated her badly. She tells me she will end it, immediately.
She didn’t. She stayed in touch with him, as I later discovered. She tries to hide it, but I know. She no longer sees him, as he lives on the other side of the country. She suddenly has no need to travel ‘for work’ to the west coast anymore. But they are in contact. I know he is hurting badly since she ended it. I’ve intercepted some of his emails. She has taken pity on him and tries to console him. This absolutely crushes my soul. It is pain like I have never experienced.
After about a year of marriage counseling, we stopped going. We made it. We are both proud of what we've accomplished. I don't look back with regret. I did what I did. So did she. We talk a lot. We don’t watch much TV anymore. We openly share our lives and thoughts and dreams with one another. We are comfortable simply being in each other’s presence. Our sex life is very good. We both know how lucky we are to be where we are. She should never have had the affair, but I understand why it happened. It may have saved our marriage.
We both have scars that will never fully heal. It happened. I can’t change history. I did terrible things. I feel very lucky. We both feel like we got a second chance and neither of us takes it for granted.
4. I noticed when she stopped looking at me like she used to.
She used to look at me like I was the most amazing person to walk this earth. Her words, not mine. Then she started looking at me without emotion. If she looked at me at all.
I noticed when she started staying late after work supposedly working extra hours when she used to be the type who would climb out the window or pretend to be giving birth just to leave work early.
I noticed when we stopped having sex. I noticed when she came home smelling like another man’s cologne wearing her “cousin Todd’s” jacket, but I knew that Todd still dressed like a hipster and not like an Armani model and that Todd’s clothing was several sizes smaller.
I noticed when she had new expensive clothing and new expensive jewelry, saying she went shopping with Laura and that her brother Chris gave her an early Christmas present. Chris couldn't afford a gold necklace or diamond earrings. Laura’s fashion sense consisted solely of Forever 21 and Urban Outfitters, none of which sell the cashmere sweaters that she always used to call “posh and overrated.”
I noticed when one day all her stuff was gone, and she left our apartment, leaving me a voicemail apologizing and that she knew that I knew.
I noticed that she was happier without me when I saw her in a café just weeks later.
I noticed that she wasn't as happy as she seemed when I saw her crying across the street when I was walking home from work.
I noticed that she had a diamond ring on her finger a year after she left me when we were grabbing coffee together. She’s engaged, she told me. Her eyes didn't sparkle as they used to when she texted him. There wasn't a fond smile when she told me about him. “His name is Emmett, and he’s pretty nice.”
5. I found condoms
When we had been married for around 7 years, I got really sick. The illness lasted for about a year. It started during this time. After a year of questioning my sanity, I straight up asked her. She got in a huff and said: “I can’t believe you are accusing me of having an affair.” Notably, she did not outright deny it. OK, alarm bells still ringing.
Months later I found proof in the form of condoms. We did not use condoms. FYI, folks, condoms have expiration dates. You can trace back the date they were bought.
She was away for two weeks. I sat down and had a hard think. Was I happy? No. Did I enjoy the marriage? No. Was the sex good? No. Why are we married? I could not answer the last question.
She returned. I confronted her. She lied. I gave her proof. She confessed. I filed for divorce.
A funny thing happened. At first, I was devastated. I was furious; I was hurt, I was wronged! Then after a couple of weeks, I found myself whistling and doing the boogie while I was folding my socks. I felt an immense weight lifted from my shoulders.
Some advice: Human beings are highly perceptive if we let ourselves be. That is how we survive. If your gut is constantly telling you something is wrong, there is probably something wrong. I thought I was absolutely insane during this period. No, I am just perceptive.
If your gut constantly tells you something is wrong, ask your partner. If you have a decent relationship that should be fine. If they tell the truth, you can make a decision from there. If they lie and continue the behavior, then you know that the affair is more important than the relationship. Again, you can make your decision from there.
More advice. After I busted her, I wanted REVENGE. LOTS of REVENGE. Steaming, Bleeding, Throbbing REVENGE. That is natural in situations like this. Well, revenge is expensive. Revenge is why divorces turn nasty. Revenge is why divorces take years. No one wins but the lawyers. A friend told me “pick the things that are most important to you and walk away from the rest.” I listened to him.
I carefully filtered *every* word I said to her. I kept my temper (very difficult). I did not fire the first shot, and I did not escalate. I had to walk away a couple of times before I lost it with her. It paid off. The divorce was a cakewalk, fast, clean, and (relatively) inexpensive.
6. Facebook gave it away.
I was casually browsing Facebook when I see a photo my wife has been tagged in. A group photo from a work/social function. A bunch of people standing tightly, hugging slightly, and there is a guy with his hand on my wife's shoulder, which is, under the circumstances, innocent enough since a bunch of people has their hands on someone else's shoulder. Only I'm the only person who knows that my wife will go to great lengths to not be touched by anyone she is not close to (like a very limited circle of me, her parents, and her best friend).
I'm not a paranoid, jealous type, but, knowing my wife, this was an immediate red flag. Over the next week I went over my wife's chats and emails (never kept passwords from each other, I used to be a pretty trusting guy). The guy from the photo was one of three on/off lovers she had at the moment.
7. I caught them leaving a restaurant together.
I was initially clued in by regular calls to our house — which I noticed on the call log — from an unfamiliar number. The calls only occurred during the week when I was away. This made me suspicious, but I did not say anything about it.
When I was home on the weekends, she started regularly asking for a "girls' night out," and I would watch the baby. I asked where she and her friends were going one night, and she told me the name of the restaurant. I called her to check in an hour or so after she'd gone out that night. All was well.
After I hung up with her, I called the suspicious number (blocking my number), and noticed a) a guy answered, and b) he had the exact same background noise (crowd/music). I then called the home number of the girlfriend she was supposed to be with. The girlfriend answered the phone. No background noise. She was at home, not at a restaurant.
I put the baby in the car and drove across town to the restaurant she'd mentioned. I sat in the parking lot wondering what to do. Swagger into a restaurant looking for trouble with a baby in one arm and tire iron in the other? No. Leave the baby in the car? Obviously, no. Go home and talk about it later?
Just then, I saw her walking out of the restaurant. With a guy. His arm was wrapped snuggly around her, and she was obviously drunk already. That was all I really needed to know.
I just drove home — numb, and weirdly unaffected. Didn't really matter who he was or what the story was... our story had just concluded for all intents and purposes. She arrived home some three hours later — looking like she had just stepped out of a tumble dryer. I told her to pack.
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Jamille Jones is a freelance writer who covers love, heartbreak, and relationship topics.