If You Want To Be Easier To Like, Say Goodbye To These 6 People-Pleasing Behaviors
Trying to make everyone happy can backfire.
Marek Mucha | Unsplash We all do things to try to make a relationship work, including being non-confrontational and even people-pleasing to partners. When does your "too nice" nature turn you into a people pleaser?
But when does being kind and nice help us in life? Can that nature hurt us when it comes to our relationships? Can you learn how to stop being a people pleaser in both your romantic and platonic relationships?
Kindness is a good trait to have. People tend to like you when you're kind. It can even lead to healthy relationships with everyone around you. But wanting to be liked becomes a problem when you’re continually acting how you think that other people expect or want you to, to please them. Often, there comes a time when people-pleasing in this way hurts you and makes you a doormat instead of being kind and magnetic.
If you want to be easier to like, say goodbye to these six people-pleasing behaviors:
1. Allowing people to walk all over you
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If you bend over backward over and over and never get anything in return, you’re acting like a doormat, not being nice. When individuals prioritize their own needs and express them clearly, they often project an image of confidence and self-respect, which can be perceived as more likable.
Research has found that this is because setting boundaries and standing up for oneself can foster a sense of autonomy and self-worth, making one more attractive to others.
2. Expecting people to respond a certain way to your kindness
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While there should be some give and take in any relationship, the sole reason that you give should never be so that you can get. Giving because you want to get is manipulation, not kindness.
Lots of people who feel like they have to go this route for approval are doormats in disguise — subtly hoping to buy people’s affections while resenting them when they don’t get what they want out of the deal.
3. Feeling resentful about doing nice things
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If you consistently feel taken advantage of, or if you truly feel like you don’t get anything in return for your "niceness," it’s a sign to pull back and/or an indication that you aren’t standing up for yourself.
A 2017 study explained that when individuals engage in kind actions without harboring negative feelings like resentment, they tend to be seen as more genuine, trustworthy, and approachable. This is because resentment can create a sense of obligation or negativity that leaks into interactions, while a lack of resentment allows for a more positive and authentic expression of kindness.
4. Asking yourself why nobody appreciates you
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Bemoaning the idea that people don’t like "nice" behavior is a real sign there’s a problem. Here’s the hard truth: People really do like nice when it’s in the appropriate context.
What they don’t like is anyone spinelessly pandering for their affection. That is doormat behavior, which is a turn-off.
They aren’t turned off by nice people who do nice things, they’re turned off when you selflessly toss yourself at them like you have no self-worth.
See the difference? Self-confidence equals attractiveness. Striving to "prove yourself" is unattractive.
5. Feeling like you’re not living your own life
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Ever felt like you’re "living for a relationship?" It’s a warning sign that you need to go out, pronto, and get a hobby. Once you feel like your partner is your reason for living, you’ve launched into the doormat-danger territory.
Research suggests that authenticity, or living by one's true self, is strongly linked to being perceived as more likable. When individuals stop feeling like they are not living their own lives and instead embrace their true selves, it can lead to increased self-esteem, stronger social connections, and improved overall well-being.
6. Claiming that your niceness is the reason why you aren’t successful at dating
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Been dumped repeatedly and told, "You’re too nice," as a suspicious reason why they broke up? It’s enough to make you want to scream, "Well, if I’m so nice, then why are you dumping me?" Right?
What they’re saying is that you either lost appeal to them, you don’t have a backbone, or you don’t speak up for yourself, and they’ve lost respect for you.
Being truly nice and showing kindness to others is not boring. Being a doormat is — since you just float in whichever direction your partner wants.
They eventually get bored, and you get dumped. If you hear yourself complaining that people "just don’t like nice men/women", it’s more likely that you’re presenting yourself in a low-value way, not that they truly don’t appreciate kindness.
And anyway, if you’re being kind and not spineless, do you want someone who doesn’t appreciate it? Probably not.
So, how do you stop being a people pleaser and still be in a healthy relationship?
- If you’re upset, speak up.
- Don’t just go along with everything because you want their approval.
- Honor your wants, desires, feelings, and goals.
- Understand that hiding your real desires from your partner isn’t being nice; it’s dishonest. They can’t even attempt to make you happy or reciprocate if they don’t know what you want or how to give it to you.
- Let go of the idea that everything will fall apart if you stop doing everything.
Sometimes, in relationships, we’re hesitant to pull back and stop "doing" everything because we’re terrified that nothing will get done or we’ll be forced to stop and realize that the other person just isn’t pulling their weight (they might never).
It’s easy to ignore this harsh reality as long as we stay on the hamster wheel, striving and attempting to "prove" our love to them.
You can still be kind and nice, there's nothing wrong with that. But, just as relationships should be both give and take, realize that you have to stop giving for a second so you can receive.
Elizabeth Stone is a love coach and founder of Attract The One. Her work has been featured in Zoosk, PopSugar, The Good Men Project, Bustle, Ravishly, SheKnows, Mind’s Journal, and more.
