Experts Reveal The One Thing A Narcissist Always Does At The End Of A Relationship
Keep a couple of steps ahead of the narcissist in your breakup.
fizkes | Canva The end of a relationship with a narcissist is going to hurt. The best defense can be anticipating what is coming. Anticipating their response to the breakup will not be difficult since the behaviors you have dealt with from the narcissist in your relationship will be the same at the end of the relationship but amplified.
Here's one thing a narcissist always does at the end of a relationship, according to YourTango experts:
1. Shifts the blame to you
The narcissist always blames you for the breakdown of the relationship. No matter what transpired, it's your fault. If they cheated, it's your fault. If there's no money left, it's your fault. The narcissist will never accept responsibility for their part.
Some narcissists go to great lengths to provoke you into leaving or filing for divorce. Why? So they can play the martyr and cast you as the evil person who bailed out. This is particularly useful as they pursue their next target. They refer to you as the "psycho ex" as they try to make the new target feel sorry for them.
— Donna Andersen, Author, Relationship Coach
2. Orchestrates a narrative where they emerge as the victim
In the aftermath of a relationship, a narcissist often orchestrates a narrative where they emerge as the victim. This is a sophisticated psychological maneuver rooted in their deep-seated need to preserve self-esteem and control perceptions. They skillfully rewrite the relationship's history, casting themselves in the role of the aggrieved party. This behavior is not just about seeking sympathy; it's a strategic move to deflect criticism and maintain a façade of infallibility.
By manipulating the story, they not only evade responsibility for any relational breakdowns but also position themselves to garner support and validation from those around them. This tactic can be particularly damaging as it often leaves the real victim doubting their own experiences and feelings.
— Clare Waismann, MRAS/ SUDCC II Waismann Method and Domus Retreat Founder
3. Turns the gaslight up to power burner
The most important thing to a narcissist is feeling they are in control of you. Chances are they've gaslighted you in the relationship anyway — but when the relationship ends, that gaslighting may reach hideous new peaks of awfulness because they can't stand losing control. They may put all the blame on you, make you feel as if you can't live without them, threaten harm to themselves, promise they will change, and generally blurt out whatever they think will intimate or manipulate you into staying with them. Get away from them as fast as you can!
— Dr. Gloria Brame, P.hd., Therapist and author
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4. Refuses to acknowledge their part in anything
Blame you. It is difficult, if not impossible, for people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder to see themselves. Don't expect them to acknowledge the role they played in the demise of your relationship. They will most likely not be self-reflective. They probably will blame you for everything negative that ever occurred, may gaslight you, and won't apologize. It's okay, you're getting away.
— Mary Kay Cocharo, Counselor/Therapist
You can dance around the narcissistic breakup tactics when you know the steps and moves they will make. Remember, the person you are getting away from has already been blaming, shaming, gaslighting, and falsely playing the victim, so whatever twists and fancy moves they try to make in the breakup will be more of the same. If it takes two, you can be the subtracted one who ends it.
Will Curtis is a writer and editor for YourTango. He's been featured on the Good Men Project and taught English abroad for ten years.