If You're Not Being Appreciated In Your Marriage, Ask Yourself This Question

Know your worth.

By James Michael Sama — Last updated on Mar 04, 2023

Photo: Summer loveee / Shutterstock

man and woman standing distant from each other

I've been speaking to a lot of you lately who left long-term relationships because your significant other wasn’t giving you what you needed — mentally and emotionally.

They weren't putting in the effort, listening, or paying attention; they were basically just coasting along because they'd already "gotten" you, and for some reason didn't understand that they'd need the same effort to keep you.

Perhaps you can relate to the feeling of being anchored down by someone who isn't willing to put the same effort into a relationship or themselves as you are.

This is the "ball and chain" feeling of pulling someone along, who either flat-out refuses to learn and grow or simply doesn't have any interest in it when you do.

If you're not being appreciated in your marriage, ask yourself this question: Why?

If you've felt this, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you committed your time, energy, and effort to someone who wouldn't give you the same in return.

I'm sorry you had to learn the hard way that being in the wrong relationship will make you feel more alone than being single does.

I'm sorry you gave that person a piece of your life that you can never get back.

But don't get too down on yourself, because in reality, you did get something in return. You got perspective. You gained a greater ability to recognize the qualities you do and don't want in a future teammate. You gained the ability to draw your line and say, "I will no longer accept this in my life." Only the person who didn't give you what you needed can provide you with that ability. It's a silver lining.

Of course, nobody is perfect and we can't expect anyone to know our wants and needs without us communicating with them. But that's what relationships are about: communication. The ability not only to speak, but to listen, absorb, and most of all, act on what we have learned.

Even worse than passive apathy is someone who actually makes you feel bad about yourself.

Someone who is insecure in themselves will try to break you down, too, so you don't have the courage to leave them. They will consistently discourage you or point out faults or flaws. This is unacceptable and you need to get away from this person because they will not change.

I understand some of you feel the need to try to "fix" this person—and work harder to gain their approval so they finally love you for who you are, and stop making you feel bad about yourself—but here is the harsh reality: they will not stop.

They will not stop because these issues have nothing to do with you.

It doesn't matter how much you change or improve to please them because you are not the problem. They are projecting their own insecurities onto you so they don't need to face them in themselves. They go beyond not appreciating you into actually trying to lower your self-esteem. The moment you feel that you need to prove yourself is the moment you need to walk away.

If you are not being appreciated in your relationship, the first step is to ask yourself if you have been honest and open about what you want and need.

Some people simply do not have the emotional intelligence to pick up on your non-verbal cues and they need a little more help. Do not condemn them at first; give them a chance to work on their shortcomings.

If the same problems persist—time after time, promise after promise, and apology after apology—don't ignore this massive red flag waving in your face.

This person is the same one you will find behind their desk, working just hard enough not to get fired. When the hammer is about to drop, they try a little harder to stick around, but those are not the times that you can judge them by. It's everyday life and what they do when they don't need to that counts.