Heartbreak

5 Lesser-Known Signs Of Verbal Abuse You Should Never Miss

Photo: Warpboyz / Shutterstock
woman looking sad leaning against brick wall

Most of us are aware of overt and explicit cases of verbal abuse.

After a relaxing dinner at your local Italian restaurant, you hear a middle-aged man in the parking lot yelling at his female middle-aged companion, "Hurry up, you old bag, or I am leaving you in the parking lot!"

You are taken aback. "Wow," you think, "That is one unhealthy relationship. I'm so happy I don't have that kind of connection."

But then you start to think about your own relationship and wonder if it is really all that different.

Verbal abuse can be very subtle. This may be partly why many aren't sure if they are in that kind of relationship. But is it actually verbal abuse that you're experiencing on a daily basis with your partner? Or is it something else, even something healthy and normal?

RELATED: I Survived Severe Abuse As A Child — But I'll Never Let It Define Me

Here are 5 lesser-known signs of verbal abuse that you should never miss.

1. Ghosting or radio silencing

Your romantic partner didn't break up with you, but despite some evidence of an ongoing relationship with them, they completely ignore you. They do not reply to your text messages, FaceTime calls, or emails. Or, if you live together, they don't reply when you talk to them.

Despite there being nothing "verbal" about these cases, they are still examples of verbal abuse — and a rather severe form. Not responding to a person or ignoring a person on purpose is a kind of verbal abuse. Or if you don't like that terminology, call it emotional or psychological abuse.

2. Passive-aggressive behavior

There are too many cases of passive-aggressive behavior to cover here. But here is one telling example: You turn in a report to your boss. He or she reads it and tells you that you did a good job (a compliment), but then adds that the report was "almost as good as Mike's" (a subtle insult).

3. Mind-reading

Your romantic partner comes across as knowing better than you what kind of person you are. He or she confidently tells you that you are "immature," "unreliable," or "untrustworthy." One indication that this is verbal abuse is that there is a lack of cited and fair evidence.

Verbal abuse tends to hit hard without a fair trial. A partner or colleague may call you "irresponsible," "inconsistent," or "incoherent" without providing any evidence. Had there been evidence, it might have been a fair criticism. Without evidence, let's just call it what it is: verbal abuse.

RELATED: Mutual Abuse Vs. Reactive Abuse — What It Means When Victims Hit Back

4. On-and-off behavior

Your partner constantly breaks up with you over almost nothing, such as subtle differences of opinion or mildly disagreeable behavior.

Constantly breaking up with someone and not really meaning it is a kind of abuse. In a very straightforward sense, it is verbal abuse: Those breakup words sting every single time.

5. Hot talk about others

Your exclusive romantic partner turns his or her head whenever an attractive person of the opposite sex walks by (or someone of the same sex if you're in a same-gendered relationship). This is hurtful to an exclusive partner, and therefore abusive, especially if done deliberately.

But it is not verbal. When it's verbal abuse, it sounds more like this:

Lisa: That was a really good movie. I loved it.

Ron: I am glad to hear that. The lead actress is just so hot. Oh my god, her legs are unbelievable.

Lisa: Yeah... she's not bad.

Talking romantically or sexually about other people when you're in an exclusive relationship (without the other person's consent or participation) is verbal abuse. In most cases, it hurts a partner. It usually also makes him or her feel inferior.

Talking about hot women, or other guys' muscles, is not good relationship behavior. It's psychologically damaging. It's verbal abuse, even if it wasn't intended to be.

RELATED: Woman Shares 'Contract' Controlling Ex Made Her Sign To Get A Dog — Insisting On Daily City Photos, Forts & More

Berit "Brit" Brogaard is a professor at Miami University and the director of Brogaard Lab for Multisensory Research. is a co-author of The Superhuman Mind and the author of On Romantic Love.

Sign up for YourTango's free newsletter!

This article was originally published at Psychology Today. Reprinted with permission from the author.