I Love You, But I Don't Want To Lose You
We have a really good thing going.
Jacob Lund via Canva We’ve known each other for a long time — like, a really long time. If anyone were to look at us and our relationship, I think that we would think we’ve known each other our entire lives, which, honestly, it feels that way to me some days. I don’t really remember life without you. And I don’t really want to. I think some might even think that we’re dating and in love because of the bond that we have.
I remember first meeting you and clicking with you almost immediately. The time we maybe eye contact I remember explicitly thinking “oh, yeah, you’re gonna be important.” I didn’t think being important would mean that I would secretly be crushing on you for so long.
If I were to tell anyone that I’ve liked you for so long, I think they would look at me like I had three heads, but here’s the thing: there’s something special about you. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I definitely know that there’s something special there, and I think you know it too.
Throughout our friendship, I’ve noticed things I don’t notice with my other guy friends. I’ve noticed how you stumble over your words when you see me unexpectedly, how you start laughing when you get nervous, and how we can banter back and forth with each other, unlike any other person I’ve ever met in my life.
I’ve seen how you get shy around me sometimes, even though we’ve known each other for years. I realize when you stop talking to someone to say hi, or even start a conversation with me. And others have noticed it too. I’ve had other girls turn and look at me as if to say, "okay, girl, I see how it is.”
But the weird thing is, we’ve never acted on it. We flirt, we laugh, and we argue. I’m pretty sure one time we nearly kissed. But we’ve never taken that next step, and I don’t know why.
I would confess how I feel about you in a split second. But I get scared because I don’t know how you feel. Sometimes I wonder if I’m looking too much into it and if I’m misunderstanding your body language. Maybe you think we’re just friends.
But just friends don’t get nervous around each other, they don’t stumble over their words when they talk, and they don’t suddenly become super smiley and happy to be in each other’s presence. We have a really good thing going. And as much as I want to be with you, and be the person you come home to every day, I don’t want to mess things up with you.
I’m scared that I’ll tell you how I’ve felt for this long, and it will ruin our friendship. And as I said before, there was a time in my life when we were strangers, and didn’t know each other, and I don’t want to become strangers again. I need our bond in my life because it’s so special to me. I want to keep our bond. But I also want to tell you how I feel.
I feel like we’ve gotten to the point where we both know there’s something there, and if we both say something at the right time, we could have something amazing, but if there’s something off with the other person, we’ll end up f***ing up what we have, and I know that neither of us wants that.
So for right now, I’ll stay silent and enjoy the moments that we have with the laughter, and flirting. I’ll continue to cherish every moment as it comes, but there won’t be a day that goes by where I won’t want to tell you how I feel, and to hear it reciprocated back to me.
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If you want to tell me how you feel, I’ll drop what I’m doing and tell you the same. But I won’t do it if you don’t.
Maybe for right now, we can love each other, but just not say we’re in love. Let’s stay in la la land for a little longer and hopefully one day we’ll both say how we truly feel. I’m waiting, I love you.
Emma Spear is a student, paraeducator, writer, and contributor to Unwritten. She has a passion for writing about mental health, self-care, and education.