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The right way to break up with someone over text.
By Micki Spollen — Last updated on Oct 06, 2022
There are many reasons why you might find yourself in a situation where the time has come to end your relationship, but you can’t do it in person.
So how do you break up with someone over text while remaining respectful and fair?
Is it bad to break up with someone over text?
It’s OK to break up over text, but only if the situation calls for it. You know your relationship better than anyone else, so only you can decide whether or not it’s the right thing to do.
In a perfect world, we’d all be able to end our relationships gracefully in person, with the logical reasons for breaking up wrapped up nicely with a little bow of closure. (Well, actually, in a perfect world there probably wouldn’t be any breakups, but here we are.)
Unfortunately, it’s made clear every day that we are not in a perfect world — therefore, you may find yourself needing to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend via text message instead of face-to-face.
So it’s not necessarily bad to break up over text. While impersonal compared to doing it in person or even over a phone call, the truth is that texting has become an integral form of communication and it’s no longer taboo to have such important conversations over text.
If you do decide to end a relationship through texting, there are ways to do it nicely.
How to break up with someone over text message
1. Be absolutely sure that you want to break up.
All relationships have their ups and downs. When yours is in a rut, it’s natural to wonder whether it’s time to break up. If you’re still questioning whether or not breaking up is the right thing to do, do not break up with them over text.
Text message breakups are the harshest and most impersonal and may cause them to lose respect for you, which is not something you want if any part of you hopes to get back together with them in the future.
2. Choose an appropriate time.
Breakups affect people in a variety of ways, and you never know how someone will react when it happens. Chances are, however, that it’s not going to make them feel very good, so the least you can do is wait until you know they aren’t preoccupied with anything else.
For example, don’t send a breakup text when you know they're at work or at an important function.
If you’re not sure when a good time might be, give them the chance to make time by asking them when they're available to have a serious conversation.
3. Be honest and direct.
It’s very easy for thoughts and feelings to be misinterpreted over text because it’s impossible to convey tone. This is not the time to beat around the bush — tell your partner exactly how you feel and why.
4. Give them your exact reasons for wanting to break up.
We all crave closure after heartbreak, and most people don’t do well dealing with the unknown. Let them know why this relationship isn’t working for you.
Be careful with your phrasing here and don’t make any personal attacks. Also, make it clear that you know relationships take two, and you weren’t perfect in the relationship either.
5. Be kind.
That said, it’s also important to make sure they're aware of all of the things they did right in the relationship. Some people are not meant to be together, but that doesn’t mean there's no one out there for them, and you want to make sure to express that.
We all have things we need to work on in relationships, but there are also reasons why you were with them in the first place. Make sure they know what those reasons are.
6. Don’t drag it out.
If you want the breakup to be a discussion, it should be done over the phone or, better yet, in person. Once you initiate the breakup conversation over text, it should be as quick and painless as possible (well, as painless as a breakup can be).
Once you’ve said what you needed to say, go no contact. This includes not interacting with them on social media, no texting, and no phone calls. The lack of communication will allow them to start their grieving process and get over the relationship faster.
Even if they initiate contact, don’t respond. While that may seem cruel, it’s even more hurtful to give them any sort of hope that will keep them from moving on.
10 Examples of breakup texts to use
After setting up a time to talk to your partner, if you’re not sure what texts to send to initiate the breakup, here are a few ideas to get you started.
1. “I love you and I'm really grateful for the moments we’ve had together, but this relationship just isn’t what I’m looking for right now.”
2. “I’ve had some time to think, and I don’t feel this relationship is what I want.”
3. “You’re an awesome person but we aren't right for each other.”
4. “You deserve more than I'm able to give you and this relationship right now.”
5. “I’m not ready to give 100% to this relationship right now and that’s not fair to you.”
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6. “I’m unhappy and I need to take some time to be on my own and work on myself.”
7. “I’m so sorry to do this over text, but I don’t think we're right for each other.”
8. “Being in this relationship has taught me that I still have a lot of work to do on myself before sharing a life with someone.”
9. “I’ve enjoyed spending time with you, but I think we're both looking for different things and aren’t the best match for each other in the long run.”
10. “We’ve had some great moments together and I think you’re an incredible person, but this isn't what I'm looking for right now.”
Remember, every relationship is different, and breaking up with someone over text isn’t always the right thing to do.
However, if the situation calls for it, it’s important to be as respectful and kind as possible. Good luck!
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Micki Spollen is an editor for YourTango. She also runs the travel blog Where In The World Is My Drink.