Heartbreak

How To Get Your Cheating Husband To Stop What He's Doing And Apologize

Photo: Alena-Ozerova / shutterstock.com
man and woman against a white background, looking away from each other

If your husband has committed infidelity but hasn’t left you, it’s because he doesn’t want to leave.

Even if your husband is with the “other woman” right now, he more than likely wants to stay married to you.

Men and women communicate differently when it comes to relationships. Chances are, that means the burden to fix your marriage is on your shoulders — even if he's the one who cheated.

And if you truly want all of him, here’s how to recreate love and passion — and put your marriage back on a committed track. 

After all, if he wanted to divorce you he would've left already. 

Of course, not all marriages can be saved and some people will always be cheaters, regardless of how good their marriage is. But most of the time, infidelity happens for a reason — a reason within the marriage.

RELATED: Learning To Speak ‘Womanese’: 4 Conversational Tips For Guys

These are the four basic types of cheating — and a solution for each

1. A lack of commitment

He was never committed to the marriage. He always had an exit strategy and doesn’t care if you find out.

Ask yourself: When you married, why did he propose to you? What worked for him and for you?

Do you realize that you’ve done less of that over time? Now that you understand, you can regroup and begin again based on something real. Something you actually want.

RELATED: The 7 Steps (Almost) Every Marriage Experiences Before A Major Affair

2. Poor communication skills

He cares about you but doesn’t have the words or skills to discuss what he needs from you, so eventually he finds companionship and passionate physical intimacy elsewhere.

Working on developing more effective communication skills almost always fixes this kind of disconnection. 

3. Casual infidelity

He is “married for life” and no matter what needs aren’t met for him or for you, if you don’t rock his boat he’ll stay and cheat on you.

This is the easiest version of cheating to fix because you have time to learn how to regain his attention and keep it — if you want to, that is.  

RELATED: The 3 Types Of Couples Who Experience Affairs (& The Ones Most Likely To Stay Together)

4. Inadequate emotional connection

He is an emotional cheater. He has a need for deep intimacy which you aren’t providing so he finds a woman who makes him feel loved.

As a wife who wants to shift her husband’s behaviors, you need to shift your own reactions first. Husbands have the space to reconsider their actions if the wives give them that space.

If you’re tempted to make him suffer, please reconsider. He hasn’t left you yet so don’t push him out the door unless you truly want a divorce.   

Even if you have the normal reaction of hating him now, expressing your panic, agony and rage will make the situation much, much worse if sustained over time.

While these emotional responses are understandable, they will risk your one chance to save your marriage.

Am I asking you to become a slave to his needs and force down your feelings forever? Of course not. 

But you have a small window to turn this around, to look at the underlying cause of infidelity and repair the problems that have turned your home into a house of cards.

RELATED: How To Get Over Infidelity And Heal From Your Partner's Cheating

How to become a peacemaker — and avoid divorce

You may be stuck in denial, but ignoring his unhappiness is how cheating starts.

You may feel betrayed and need honesty and think this means you can rage at him. But if you want to save your marriage, please don't.

You may feel grief and agony because your need for trust hasn’t been met and you want to complain non-stop — but you need to just stop. 

Some wives think their husbands should just stop cheating as if that solves the problem, but cheating is like the steam that escapes from a tea kettle. 

Here is what has worked for the 1,000s of clients I’ve helped transform their marriages, end cheating, and enjoy peaceful, passionate lifelong marriages.

Figure out his key needs that aren’t met in your marriage

Here is what I often hear from cheating husbands:

1. “She is always nagging me!” = a husband who needs some peace

2. “I just want some fun on the weekend. Is that too much to ask?” = a man who needs some fun, satisfying sex

3. “Before the kids came, she wanted me all the time and now I have to beg for attention” = a husband who feels unloved, unappreciated and who needs to be touched

RELATED: How To Fix Your Marriage In 12 Days

Many wives push their husbands away without realizing it

When wives tell me when cheating started my next question is to ask what happened six months to a year before he strayed.

Wives may feel completely blindsided by infidelity but when I walk them down memory lane, they always find one shocking piece of commonality.

About one year before he started disappearing his wife had a conversation with her sister, her mother, or a friend and expressed her disgust or indifference to her husband, and he felt it.

RELATED: What To Do When Your Husband Is Annoying & Everything He Does Irritates You

The big shift to end infidelity

Right now he’s on the fence, so you can’t demand anything. Later, after you’ve reminded him of how wonderful you are and how much he stands to lose, then he will be open to meeting more of your needs.

A man who is cheating already has one foot out your door and the other foot inside someone else’s, so you can’t complain and win.

If you want more commitment, that will come from learning to meet more of his emotional needs and enjoying it. Of course, he needs to meet your needs as well. You may need to figure out what those are, but it's well worth your time.

I have seen women twist themselves into pretzels to become sexier but being sexy is a vibe and you have to feel it.

I have seen wives who hated cooking who forced themselves to make elaborate meals but without joy and generosity. The food was tasteless.

Instead, work on tools that can help heal.

RELATED: The 25 Best Pieces Of Marriage Advice Happy Couples Follow

Tools for a better you — and a stronger relationship

Self-soothe so that you self-generate inner peace. If you want your husband to be all yours, you have to convince him that you are his, mind, body, and soul.

Develop some tools based on Tantra that allow both of you to enjoy consistently thrilling physical intimacy.  

The answer to lifelong love and monogamy (at least, when both partners truly want it) is The Tantric Lock, a set of skills that combine the emotional, physical, and verbal aspects of manifesting the deepest connection and ecstatic intimacy that lasts a lifetime.

When you and your partner are merged, two into one; there is no room for a 3rd person and that is the greatest gift to both of you.

RELATED: How To Save A Marriage When Your Husband Or Wife Says, 'I Want A Divorce'

Susan Allan is a certified Mediator and Coach and the Founder of The Marriage Forum, Inc. She is the creator of The 6 Part Conversation© and The 7 Stages of Marriage and Divorce© trainings that help both partners understand theirs and their partner’s needs in order to create "passionships."

Sign up for YourTango's free newsletter!