16 Toxic Expectations That Sabotage Even The Best Relationships
A psychologist shares some of the most common myths about love.
Look Studio / Yourtango.com What we choose to believe shapes our very reality and paints the portrait of our world. It is difficult to see beyond our personal beliefs, so we must ensure that the people we are in relationship with have beliefs similar to our own.
We may experience problematic relationships if we’re not grounded in beliefs that encourage commitment.
Settling on positive, constructive beliefs requires us to first unlearn the assumptions that limit our potential to engage in loving relationships.
This means relinquishing impractical ideas and viewing our lives through a realistic lens.
Here are sixteen false expectations that can ruin even the best relationships:
1. “We’ll always have fireworks. Our chemistry and romance will keep us together.”
Monotony wedges its way into all relationships in time. That “spark” comes and goes. The excitement of sex wears off. Even your views about the world are split in opposite directions.
This may sound like a negative scenario, but it’s a reality for all long-term relationships. Make sure you share common values beyond chemistry to keep you together.
2. “He’ll provide for me.”
Your partner might provide for you up to a certain point, but remember that once you’re an adult, no one has an obligation to take care of you. Think about your partner being your only source of income and something happens to him or his career one day.
A man is never a sound financial plan. The only person who will continuously provide for you is you.
3. “They’re just a couple of bad habits.”
You must be able to distinguish between innocent offenses and serious red flags for the sake of your well-being. Forgetting to put the toilet seat down is a bad habit. Lying pathologically, is a red flag.
Learn to read these flags — some obvious, some subtle — as soon as they reveal themselves to avoid entering an unhealthy relationship.
4. “I can change him,” or “He’ll be different with me.”
Often, we hope we can make people behave differently, or that they will somehow be better with us than they were in past relationships. This sort of thinking leads us into a pit of disappointment. Eventually, we must realize that people will continue being who they are until they decide to transform themselves.
To change, a person must first feel a need within to improve their current behavior.
5. “Giving him a child will make our relationship better,” or, “A child will make him commit.”
In some cases, this may be true. However, the added responsibility may make things worse and forever tie you to a person who’s not right for you.
The reality is: not even ten children can make an unwilling partner commit. Having a child is a blessing, yes, but having a child with the right partner is an even bigger blessing.
6. “The first move has to come from him.”
If you wait for a person to show interest who has no intentions of doing so, you might be waiting forever. Sometimes you have to put your pride aside and make the first move.
The bottom line is that it has to come from both of you. Compromise and communication are two keystones to great relationships.
7. “I don’t need to change — I’m fine just the way I am.”
You may be fine but you’re human, which makes you imperfect. Just as your partner has personality traits you don’t like, you also have traits he dislikes.
Strive to evolve, progress, and become a kinder, more mindful person each day — not only for him, but for yourself.
8. “If I complain, I’ll get what I want.”
Speaking up when you’re being treated unfairly can certainly adjust the dynamic of your relationship in your favor. But constantly complaining might also create sizable damage between you and your significant other.
You must stand your ground without whining about every little thing.
9. “The past won’t interfere with the present.”
Unless you’ve closed all the doors to your past (and locked them and thrown away the key), the past will very much become your present and future. You must let things go in order for them to come to an end.
If something is still present in your heart and mind, even if it happened a decade ago, it will continue to be present in your reality. If you want to prevent certain things from happening again, you must detach from the past and focus on here and now.
10. “That would never happen to me.”
We all like to think that bad things will never happen to us. Yet they, happen to many of us. Situations such as betrayal, breakups, disputes, and difficulties can happen to anyone.
While you shouldn’t live life worrying that something awful is going to happen, you should be prepared for anything. In relationships, the safest course is to expect the unexpected.
11. “Who cares about a stupid football game?”
It’s a misconception that men don’t need pampering or that they don’t require as much attention, care, and gentleness as a woman. Respect your partner’s hobbies, whether they’re watching football games, tinkering with cars, or collecting comic books.
Encourage him to do whatever brings him joy, just as you should do all that fills your spirit, too.
12. “I know this is a compromised situation, but at least he gives me money for the kids.”
This should never be the price you put on love. You’ll grow weary of compromising your values and happiness in time, but by then it might be too late to leave.
Having financial stability pales in comparison to having emotional stability.
13. “If I make him jealous, he’ll want me.”
Purposely doing things to make a man jealous will only end up doing one thing: hurting the relationship. You should make your partner aware of the fact that you’ll walk away if he doesn’t treat you well.
There are better ways of making him realize this than invoking envy.
14. “I can replace him.”
You can replace your car if it gets damaged or your purse if it gets stolen, but you can’t replace a human being.
You may think that a new partner will be better than your old one, but this will prove false. A new partner won’t be better, he’ll only be different.
This person will still have some qualities you like and others you dislike. No one is better or worse than anyone else, we just are.
15. “Something is better than nothing.”
Depending on the circumstances, nothing is sometimes much better than something — especially if that “something” is a person who causes you pain and confusion.
Some women have gotten used to hearing from their significant other once a week or seeing him once a month, and they’re okay with it. Having only something, a fraction of a real partner, is like having only one piece of the whole: you will constantly feel like something is missing.
16. “He has to be tall, dark, and handsome... oh, and rich.”
The only place you’ll find Prince Charming is in a children’s book. The man who will make you happiest will be riddled with problems, some of which are temporary and some of which are permanent.
Let go of the notion that you’ll meet a perfect, flawless man, as this will lead to never-ending frustration.
Consider these false expectations that frequently harm a relationship. If you hold any of these assumptions, it would be beneficial to reevaluate your beliefs and shift your perception about what makes a truly good relationship.
Here's to happy, satisfying relationships.
Dr. Carmen Harra is a renowned intuitive psychologist, relationship expert, bestselling author, radio host, and TV personality. She helps people reclaim their joy, personal power, and peace of mind through her books, personal sessions, and radio shows.