20 Super Specific Changes That Help People Heal From Narcissistic Abuse
Move forward and heal after escaping a manipulative, exploitative relationship.
Getty You have to do more than simply break up with someone who treated you badly to recover from narcissistic abuse. You have to pledge to break the patterns that led you to that person in the first place.
People who engage in narcissistic abuse often have serious personality disorders, such as antisocial, narcissistic, or psychopathic personality disorders. Even if they don't, one cannot change another adult or force them to treat you better.
In this article, I refer to people who use narcissistic abuse to harm and control their partner collectively as “sociopaths”, though this is not a diagnosis. This adheres to the original meaning of the word, which was “anything deviated or pathological in social relationships.”
20 changes that help you heal and move on from narcissistic abuse
If you’ve escaped one of these pathological relationships, it will take time to get over it. You’ll need to believe in yourself and stay strong by making these promises to yourself.
1. As much as possible, I will have no contact with the sociopath — I will not call, text, or send emails, and I certainly won't meet them in person. If I am co-parenting with this person, I will communicate via court-approved apps and systems and stick to the facts and details required to parent our shared children, and that's it.
2. If the sociopath contacts me, I will not respond. If this person is my co-parent, I will only respond via the court-approved app and only discuss the topic of our children, as necessary for their care.
3. I will not try to get information about the sociopath from others.
4. I will not follow or stalk the sociopath on social media.
5. I will remember that anything the sociopath says could be a lie.
6. I will not try to prove myself to the sociopath (because anything he/she says about me is a lie).
7. I will trust my perceptions, even though the sociopath tried to get me to doubt myself.
8. I will not discuss my situation with anyone who knows the sociopath, because I don't want any information about me divulged.
9. I will memorize noncommittal canned answers so I can respond to any inquiries from others about the sociopath without becoming upset.
10. I will allow myself to cry, weep, and grieve in private, or with a trusted therapist because I know I need to process the pain of my experience.
11. I will gradually limit the time I allow myself to indulge in obsession over the harm caused to me, because it is a normal part of grieving. But I know that this must not go on indefinitely.
12. I accept that the sociopath never loved me because they are incapable of loving anyone.
13. I accept that the person I thought I was involved with does not exist.
14. I accept that the sociopath betrayed me and intentionally engaged in narcissistic abuse.
15. I accept that the sociopath will never change.
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16. I will give myself time and permission to heal from the narcissistic abuse.
17. I will be gentle with myself.
18. I will recognize that the sociopath took advantage of my humanity and I have nothing to be ashamed of.
19. I will repair my relationships with friends and family who were driven away by the sociopath.
20. I will remember that, no matter what the sociopath said or did, I am worthy of respect and love.
To truly recover from narcissistic abuse, you need to commit to your healing. That means deciding you want to feel better and doing the internal work to accomplish your goal. Changes like these will help you.
Donna Andersen is the author of Lovefraud.com and host of the "True Lovefraud Stories” podcast. She offers advice on escape and recovery from a sociopath, psychopath, or narcissist, as well as personal consultations.