7 False Things Every Verbal Abuser Wants You To Believe (But You Shouldn't)

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man yelling at woman

Verbal abusers have a sophisticated way of having you believe their hogwash. They use a lot of emotional smokescreens, verbiage, and myths about verbal abuse to keep you under their thumbs; this way, they can feel like a bigger and better person than you are.

With your demise and emotional “shrinkage,” they feed off what you are losing to try and bolster their own weak self-esteem.

The reality is that an abuser is not a confident and happy person. Not ever. The abuser is someone who is unhappy, weak, and has poor self-esteem. Like a little parasite, this person tries to feed off others.

Here are seven things a verbal abuser wants you to believe, even though you shouldn’t.

1. "It’s your fault."

If I had a dollar for every time an abuser said, “It’s your fault,” I’d be a rich woman. Abusers want you to believe that any problem is your fault because then you’ll feel bad and do what he or she wants, feel bad about yourself, and grow reliant on the abuser. Plus, reliance on the abuser means the abuser has control.

2. "You made me do it."

Did the abuser yell at you? Cheat on you? Hit you? Hurt you? The abuser will always try again and again to make you believe that you made this person do whatever it is that upset you. This way, you can feel bad about yourself and grow reliant on them, make the abuser feel better for his or her sh*tty choices, and allow them to gain power over you.

RELATED: If You've Been Terrorized By Verbal Abuse, Know You're Not Alone

Don’t believe any of this nonsense. Unless you put a gun to this person’s head, you didn’t “make” him or her do anything.

3. "You are inferior" or "You need my help."

The abuser’s goal is to try to make you feel inferior as if you need his or her help. This allows the abuser to feel wanted, important, and in charge.

If the abuser convinces you that you are “less than,” he or she can then direct you as he or she wants. It’s all a game of power and control designed to help the weak and sick abuser feel better about him or herself. If you believe you need the abuser’s help, you validate his or her existence and allow him or her to stay in control.

4. "You would be nothing without me."

If the abuser convinces you that you need him or her, this means you’ll never leave and walk away. This is very convenient for the abuser who needs your energy and, perhaps, money and time to live off of.

If you realize that you don’t need this clown, you’ll leave, which doesn’t suit the abuser. If you believe you need this person, you make the abuser the top dog and allow them to continue with their twisted agenda.

RELATED: 21 Signs You're In An Emotionally Abusive Relationship

5. "If you behaved, I'd be nicer."

If only you did this. If only you did that. The abuser would be charming, nice, and kind! Yeah, right. The abuser wants you to believe that if only you do what he or she wants you to do, and you “improve” your character, this person will change.

That, my friends, is utter BS. Don’t believe it. If you do, you allow the abuser to continue, as is.

6. "You're better now, thanks to me."

You were once a slob and a loser, but now you’re much better thanks to this charming gem. Where would you be without this person? According to him or her,  nowhere. This person likes to take credit for everything that makes you, you. It’s sick. It makes the abuser feel accomplished and better than you.

7. "You owe me."

The abuser has this way of making you somehow reliant on him or her; this way, it’s as if you “owe” this winner your time, money, and everything. If he or she makes you feel this way, you will feel indebted and powerless, which makes the abuser feel good, helps the abuser carry out his or her agenda, and keeps you beneath him or her.

RELATED: I Saved Myself From An Emotionally Abusive Man (And You Can Too)

Laura Lifshitz writes about divorce, sex, women’s issues, fitness, parenting, marriage, and more for YourTangoNew York Times, DivorceForce, Women’s Health, Working Mother, Pop Sugar, and more.