Why Your Sweet, Usually Honest Kid Is Suddenly Lying: 3 Common Reasons
Patricia Prudente | Unsplash "Yeah, Mom, I took out the trash."
"The dog ate my homework."
"It was Billy’s fault, not mine."
As parents, we’ve truly heard it all. Still, it can be surprisingly upsetting when your sweet, usually honest kid suddenly starts lying. Especially when the lies are small, unnecessary, or so obvious you’re left wondering why they even tried. When this keeps happening, it’s normal to feel frustrated, confused, and a little hurt.
What makes it harder is the trust piece. When your child lies repeatedly, even about minor things, you may start questioning yourself. Did I make it hard for them to tell the truth? Am I doing something wrong? Take a breath. You’re not a bad parent, and you’re not alone. There are real, common reasons why good kids lie, and most of them have far more to do with development than defiance.
Here are 3 common reasons why your sweet, usually honest kid is suddenly lying:
1. They see lying as the easiest option in the moment
Before their brain is fully developed, our kids don’t have a clear grasp of cause and effect the way (most) adults do. In the moment, the benefit of being dishonest outweighs the risk of being discovered, mostly because they don’t think the risk through completely.
Real life example: "If I tell you that my homework is finished, I can continue to watch this awesome movie. Besides, homework is boring."
2. They're trying to avoid embarrassment or disappointment
No one likes to admit they're wrong (not even kids). In fact, many adults have a hard time being honest when things don’t go as planned. Why would it be any easier for our children? This is particularly true for kids who have a tendency to make mistakes more than average.
Real life example: "If I blame my friend for leaving the windows open in the car (again), maybe I can avoid Mom being disappointed in me (again)."
3. They genuinely remember things differently
Everything in life is about perception. Have you ever walked away from a conversation and had a completely different recollection of it than someone else?
Sometimes we genuinely think we did something, because we planned to do it, or we do it so often that it becomes routine. This is especially true for younger kids and/or kids with less developed working memory.
Real-life example: "Yes, Mom, I fed the dog this morning." If your child feeds the dog every morning, it’s easy for today to blend in with every other day this week. He or she may not realize the task wasn't completed on this specific day.
fast-stock / Shutterstock
So how do you deal with your child lying, even when there are understandable reasons behind it?
1. Model the kind of honesty you want to see
Our kids hear and see much more of what we do than we're aware of. And truth be told, we all have our own range of honesty. Few of us are completely honest (sometimes for the same reasons as above).
I'm sure at some point you've uttered one of these phrases: "Sorry, I can’t volunteer at the PTA lunch next week, I have work." ... "Sorry, I'm late, traffic was terrible." ... "No, honey, your butt doesn’t look fat in those jeans!" Our kids hear this, and could interpret that sometimes it’s OK to avoid complete honesty.
2. Acknowledge honesty when it happens
When your kids tell the truth, thank them, even if it's about something they screwed up! Sometimes you might even forgive a mistake if your child owns up. There are times that I even give my kids a "free out" to encourage them to tell the truth.
"Sweetie, I’m not sure if what you're saying is completely honest. If you tell the truth now, I’ll let you off with a warning instead of a consequence." You may or may not want to make this a habit, depending on your child and the situation.
3. Lead with understanding, not shame
Being honest isn’t always easy, and there are some (almost) legitimate reasons that our kids don’t come forth with the truth. A friend of mine says, "All kids lie. It’s normal!"
I’m not excusing the behavior. If that’s true, then good parenting requires us to help them learn honesty, rather than punishing them for not doing something pretty hard for adults to even do in the first place.
Elaine Taylor-Klaus and Diane Dempster, founders of ImpactADHD®, teach/write about practical strategies for parents of complex kids with ADHD and related challenges.
