Psychologist: Why Your Kids Have Less Grit Than You
AlexandrMusuc | Shutterstock If you feel like your kids have less grit than you, you should introspect deeply about why you think this and see if that changes the lens through which you view your child. Some parents that I see in therapy are somewhat disappointed in their kids’ persistence, proactivity, and grit. This can start as early as preschool, but can really come to a head during the child’s adolescence, when the parent feels like their teenage child is squandering opportunities to work hard and get into a good college.
Of course, disappointment can continue during and after college as well, with parents worrying that their children are not independent enough (emotionally or financially), and are not able to put their nose to the grindstone and work as hard as the parents themselves did as young adults. There are many reasons underlying the disparity between how much grit you exhibited in your youth and how much your own children exhibit.
Since a feeling of disappointment in your kids isn’t easily hidden (and in these cases, parents often don’t even try to hide it, feeling that perhaps their lack of approval will motivate their children), and has the potential to severely and irreparably hurt your relationship with your child, this is an important topic to think about.
The following reasons may apply to your situation, and may change the lens through which you view why your kids have less grit than you:
1. Faulty memory
The most obvious way that parents can change their perspective on their child is by carefully considering whether they may be idealizing their own past behavior. You may not have been that much harder or work-focused than your child, if you really examine your adolescence or young adulthood.
2. Comparing apples to oranges
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Even if your work ethic at your summer job far superseded that of your own child, they may be far superior to you in other regards. For example, even if you worked 12-hour shifts at the grocery store as a teenager, you may be forgetting that you also didn’t play any sports or have many close friendships, whereas your 16-year-old son without a summer job may be on the lacrosse team and have a close crew of friends. This may indicate a great deal of social intelligence that will hold him in good stead later on, while you always (and still may) struggle with friendships.
3. Not taking your parenting style into account
Many people with an extremely strong work ethic learned it one of two ways: (a) They are a self-made man or woman who grew up in a poor and/or dysfunctional home, and used this to motivate them to move up and out into a higher socioeconomic class and a more stable environment. (b)Their own parents used a very different parenting approach, which relied on a lot of guilt and explicit obligation to the parents (e.g., we moved to this country so you could have a better life, and it was incredibly difficult for us; now you better study hard and make it worthwhile).
Many people who were raised in one of these two types of homes, whether or not they respect and understand their parents’ parenting style, have still made it their life’s work to never guilt-trip their kids and to never tell their kids that their own happiness is dependent on the child’s achievement. People who grew up poor often work terribly hard to ensure that their own children are raised in an environment of plenty, and are secure in the knowledge that college and even grad school will be paid for (or at least that their parents will help them apply for aid and loans).
This is great, and it means that your children are likely a lot more emotionally secure than you were. However, this also means that they are likely far less “hungry” and not as anxious to get up and out of the life you created for them, since it’s pretty comfortable.
4. Having your cake, and eating it too
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If your daughter feels you’re a source of comfort and unconditional love, and you’ve made enough money to make college tuition a non-issue for her, then it is likely that her major worry is what dress to wear at prom, not maintaining a 4.0 GPA or working a full-time summer job. This may be hard to understand if you, at her age, knew that you had to pay for your own college, or if you were always trying to impress emotionally withholding parents with your stellar grades.
From my perspective, your daughter is likely going to turn out secure, emotionally healthy, and not at high risk for anxiety, which is likely far superior (if you’re honest) to having low self-esteem that is entirely based on external metrics of achievement, or to be in a constant state of financial insecurity. The only problem starts when you become disappointed in your well-rounded, secure daughter for not studying with the laser focus that you did, not recognizing that you have shielded her from the exact factors that contributed to your own tenacity.
5. Kids don’t have the same personality as their parents
Intellectually, you may know this, but you may still view your child as a little version of you. However, your child is a mix of genes, and very often, a Type A parent marries a laid-back spouse and then ends up with a kid who seems Type A in some ways, but has less follow-through and more of a natural talent for, well, staring into space. Then, often, the parent feels disappointed, because they were hoping on some level for a mini-me and can’t accept that this didn’t happen.
Overall, I agree with the majority of parents who feel that their kids have less “grit” than they have (although the faulty memory issue is usually at least somewhat to blame). However, parents are not quick to recognize that the very way that they have chosen to parent their children can be the decisive factor in their kids’ lower need for achievement.
Even parents who try to impose situations on their kids that can artificially create grit, e.g., signing them up for sports every year, or sending them to rigorous schools, often still are parenting their kids with a lot more security and unconditional love than they may have felt themselves. This is, psychologically speaking, very positive, but it is the very rare child who is (a) not anxious b) securely attached to parents, and c) obsessed with achievement. Usually, you only get C if you have either insecure attachment or anxiety, neither of which you likely want for your child.
If this article spoke to you, or would be useful for a partner to read, use it as a conversation starter. If you have adolescent or young adult children, you can even share this post with them, using it to start a discussion about your different upbringings and how your own childhood may inform your expectations of your own child in various (fair and unfair) ways.
Dr. Samantha Rodman Whiten, aka Dr. Psych Mom, is a clinical psychologist in private practice and the founder of DrPsychMom. She works with adults and couples in her group practice, Best Life Behavioral Health.
