If A Mom Gets Kicked Out Of Her Mommy Group, It’s Probably For One Of These 6 Unfair Reasons
DFree | Shutterstock Last week, former Disney Channel star Ashley Tisdale French turned the internet upside down by sharing her story about leaving a “toxic mom group” she had befriended after having her baby girl in an essay for The Cut. The rumor mill was quick to suggest she was referring to a group of friends that included fellow stars Hilary Duff, Mandy Moore, and Meghan Trainor. However, her rep tried to shut down any drama by insisting to TMZ that French’s essay was not connected to that group of famous friends at all.
Regardless of who French was thinking of when she penned the piece, moms everywhere are rejoicing that someone so high profile was willing to be so open about a common struggle. “It’s a subject that has made women DM me to say ‘I feel seen’ and to share their most emotional stories with me,” she said. One of those women who felt seen was TikToker Pamela Wurst Vetrini, who called French “a very surprising source for this kind of validation.” Drawing on her own experience, Vetrini shared several reasons that a mom may be excluded from her group in a video. And, honestly, all of the reasons make it sound like those moms are right back in high school, just as French suggested.
If a mom gets kicked out of her mommy group, it’s probably for one of these 6 unfair reasons:
1. A narcissist controls the group
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No matter how old you get, there’s one thing that never seems to change — every friend group has that one popular girl who’s right at the center. “The first is that you have a narcissistic queen bee at the center of your friend group, and she takes the whole group through a pattern of discarding friends,” Vetrini said. “She gathers people, she discards them, she expects to be able to pick them back up.”
This is something French both experienced herself and witnessed with other people. “As I increasingly felt left out, I remembered something,” she said. “Or rather, someone. During the early days of the group, there was another mom who often wasn’t included.”
Counselor Leah Roberts said this often happens when one mom sees another as a threat. “When we perceive a threat to our sense of belonging, we want to recover our position in the social group,” she said. “[This] unfortunately too often results in senseless rejection of someone else.” And it really is senseless. Vetrini said she saw this happen for reasons as trivial as one mom going to pilates class too frequently.
2. There’s been a big change in your life
Obviously, everyone in a mom group is undergoing a lot of changes as they raise young children, but Vetrini said this can go deeper than that. Everything from weight changes to job shifts to moving can make someone in the group look at you differently, which is a big problem.
“Anything that changes the way the others see themselves when they look at you,” she said. “So if they start to feel negative feelings, like jealousy or envy, and they can’t express it — of course, in these mommy groups, they don’t express anything — [it] makes them feel uncomfortable and they discard you.”
Mom groups aren’t really the safe, vulnerable places you would hope they would be. Instead, it’s all about perception. Too much change shifts the group dynamic, causing others to question their own self-image. This is an easy way for someone to get kicked out.
3. The group is more shallow than you realized
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Things shift when you move from the beginning phase of motherhood to what comes a little later. Vetrini said, “When you become a mom, things are heavy … You trauma-bond over that experience, and you assume that the people you’re bonding with are deep and emotional people who can handle the heaviness of life.”
Unfortunately, they’re really anything but. “As you transition out of that very intense period of early motherhood, you start to realize, oh my gosh, these are actually very, very shallow people,” she said. “They’re not emotionally mature at all.”
This is something French touched on herself. “But what started out logistical soon became deeply personal,” she wrote. “I needed to talk to someone else who related to what I was going through: the mood swings, the late nights, saying good-bye to who I used to be, and getting to know my daughter and the new person I was becoming.” Not everyone is going to grow with you through what you go through, and that’s OK.
4. Your values aren’t aligned with the group’s
Vetrini said that this was what she personally faced when getting kicked out of her mommy group. “The biggest value that is misaligned is that a lot of women put their husband’s needs over their own needs and over their children’s needs,” she observed. The problem with this, of course, is that there’s no hard and fast rule that says you should always put your husband first, or even that it’s a good idea to do so.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Jon Bedford explained, “Putting oneself first is healthy when it is based on prioritizing one’s mental, spiritual, and physical health in a way that will facilitate optimal growth, functioning, and foster a mindful, grounded sense of being.” There’s nothing wrong with prioritizing yourself for the right reasons, even if that means you aren’t putting your husband first.
Of course, the idea that a person should prioritize their marriage over their children is one that most experts agree on. Still, that doesn’t mean you should put your husband first as a rule or never consider the fact that your kids may need you more. Some mom groups just don’t make room for that, though.
5. You want to process something that happened, but the other mom doesn’t want to
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Whether it’s centered on your kids, your spouse, or your relationship with another mom in the group, something will always come up that makes the situation uncomfortable. Some people want to actively work through those issues, while others prefer to sweep them under the rug. This difference could be what gets you kicked out.
“That attempt to repair makes the other mom feel shame,” Vetrini said. “If you make a white woman feel shame, and she is not ready to feel that negative emotion, or she is not ready to confront that feeling or confront you, or confront the reality of the situation, she will drop you.” Vetrini added that mommy groups follow a herd mentality, so the other moms will follow suit.
Leaving real problems unresolved doesn’t do anyone any good. Positive psychology coach Diane E. Dreher, PhD, said, “Talking about our problems and verbalizing our negative feelings to friends has been a source of relief for centuries.” Keeping those feelings bottled up just makes things worse. It’s totally unfair if you get kicked out of a mom group for trying to work through problems, but it may also be a sign that it wasn’t the right group for you.
6. There’s a disagreement on social issues
“All of those political issues that women probably could have ignored in years past have now become really important human rights issues that really affect our day-to-day life,” Vetrini said. “I’ve dropped friends for political reasons, and they always know it’s happening when it happens. And I don’t know if I’m dropping them forever, but I say I really need to pull back right now.”
It’s important to make an effort to get along with those who see the world differently from you. Your life will certainly be enriched by different perspectives. However, some issues are so serious that you can’t really disagree with someone and remain close. You have to let them go, at least for the time being.
It would certainly feel unfair if you thought you were being targeted for having a bit of a different belief system than the rest of the mommy group, though. While disagreements happen, that doesn’t mean you deserve to be ostracized for it.
Everyone needs a solid set of friends, especially when they’re going through a new experience like motherhood. Unfortunately, mom groups are not often the warm and welcoming bunches you would expect them to be. As French said, they can feel like dealing with high school mean girls all over again. You have to be careful to protect your peace, especially during a time when you’re going through so much.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
