Mom Says She’s Started ‘Ignoring’ Her Kids As Contribution To Making The Next Generation Less Anxious
PeopleImages | Shutterstock In an essay for Today's Parent, mom and writer Kalli Colford admitted that during a time when parents are prioritizing helicopter parenting and hovering over their children, she's decided to take a much more hands-off approach as a contribution to making the next generation less anxious.
She pointed out that when parents constantly insert themselves into their children's lives, even when they should be given more independence, it can end up causing a generation of kids who aren't very confident in their own abilities. So to combat this, Colford has resisted the urge to step in and instead went so far as to say she started "ignoring" them.
A mom said she's started 'ignoring' her kids as a contribution to making the next generation less anxious.
"My first real wake-up call came when a friend brought her daughter over, and I kept interrupting the little girl, peppering her with questions about what her doll was up to. My friend eventually smiled and said, 'I know we feel like we need to chime in, but you don’t have to. We can have our adult time too,'" Colford wrote.
fizkes | Shutterstock
She explained that the intentional distance she puts between herself and her children comes from a place of unconditional love. Colford admitted that her initial reflex was to be her kids' constant teacher, coach, narrator, and entertainer. While she's still an involved parent, making sure she's looking at and answering the emails their school sends, providing them with snacks, and scheduling all of their activities, she's been retreating from a lot of the rest.
"Clinically, we’re seeing a generation of children with fewer opportunities to experience manageable frustration and recover from it. When parents absorb all the uncertainty, kids lose the chance to develop emotional muscles like patience, problem-solving, and distress tolerance," said Dr. Nina Mafrici, clinical psychologist. "The more anxious the parent is about preventing discomfort, the more anxious the child becomes about facing it."
The mom is creating space for her kids to experience wonderment on their own.
It's easy for parents to ruin their kids' wonder by constantly stepping in or immediately taking over to help. But by backing off completely, kids are able to discover the beauty on their own. It's also just about being able to trust your kids to make better decisions.
You have to trust that your kids are listening to the lessons you're imparting to them and that they'll take them into account when making decisions. Allowing children to be courageous can also help build independence.
"Confidence doesn’t grow in moments of perfect comfort; it grows in the small spaces where children are trusted to figure things out for themselves. From a developmental perspective, this distance is not detachment; it’s faith in the child’s capacity to cope and adapt," continued Mafrici.
It can be hard for parents to loosen the reins with their children, especially when their instinct is to protect them from anything that'll cause them pain or even discomfort. For a lot of parents, stepping back feels like letting go completely. But, as Colford pointed out, it doesn't mean not being present and supportive.
The difference is that she's choosing to observe more and interfere less, allowing her kids to really experience the world without her commentary.
Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
