5 Times Good Parents Never Say Yes To Their Kids
Sometimes the healthiest choice is drawing the line.
Izzy Park | Unsplash We've all been there. You had a hard day and just want to rest. Or, perhaps you're out in public where a tantrum won't do. And suddenly, your little sweetie asks for something. You want to say "no." You know you should say "no."
But you don't because your kids know how to play with you, so they do! There are some pretty bad reasons to let our children do something. But the truth is — sometimes we just want the easiest and quickest way to deal with it.
We end up caving and just saying, "Okay!" But just because it happens to the best of us doesn't mean we should make a habit of this (or accept even doing it, to begin with). Here are five wrong reasons we give in to our kids.
Here are 5 times good parents never say yes to their kids:
1. We're distracted, busy, or upset
We've got a million more important things on our minds. So when our kid asks to do something, our attention is split at best.
More likely, it's completely somewhere else — nowhere near the radar. We're too busy with other things to want to get involved or deal with the details of whatever it is the kids want.
2. The kids are yelling, whining, or otherwise causing a scene
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We just want them to stop ... Now! To top it off, there's the chance we're in a public place and an audience is in our presence, only adding more pressure. We feel that hammer-hitting headache and stress taking hold, and feel the need to end this skirmish quickly to save face (what's left of it, anyway).
Granting demands made during a tantrum can damage a child's self-esteem and brain development by creating fear and stress, impairing their cognitive and emotional growth, and increasing the risk of anxiety, depression, and aggression. Instead of rewarding the tantrum, research recommends that parents maintain calm and establish clear, non-negotiable boundaries to foster healthy emotional and cognitive development.
3. We feel guilty
We want to make up for all the ways our parenting has been lacking. Maybe we haven't spent enough time with the kids, lately. Maybe we haven't been very helpful with a struggle they're wrestling with — like homework, bullying, or problems with their friends.
Guilt-driven permission can foster emotional dependency in the child, where they become overly eager to please, and can undermine the parent's ability to set healthy boundaries. Instead, research recommends that parents should learn to manage their own guilt and use it to make more consistent, authoritative decisions.
4. We feel insecure about our parenting skills
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We compare ourselves to other parents and feel like we come up short. Maybe we see other parents who have perfectly behaved children (unlike ours). Maybe we envy the parents who are best friends with their kids. We'd love to have that solid bond with our child.
This can undermine their own authority, teach children to be manipulative, and hinder the child's development of essential coping skills like patience and disappointment tolerance. Instead, experts recommend that parents should prioritize setting boundaries, validating their child's feelings, and explaining decisions to foster trust, emotional regulation, and a healthy relationship.
5. We haven't established core family values and boundaries
As a result of this, we defer to whatever other parents are doing or allowing. It's so much easier to follow someone else's lead rather than figure out what we value and how we want to set healthy boundaries within our own family.
Following what the "cool" parents do may even help us feel a little "cooler." The good news is, if you find yourself caving to your child's every whim, you can turn this around pretty easily and quickly. The key is to pause in the moment, so we can break our bad habits, and choose something better for us — and for our kids.
Patty Stiles is a coach, mediator, peace circle practitioner, and collaboratively trained attorney who facilitates finding peace for her clients.
