I’m 60 And Thought My Parenting Years Were Over But Now I’m Raising My Grandchild And Hoping To Retire By 90

My daughter was an amazing mother when her daughter was born. She had some hardships in the past with substance use and depression, and she is doing far better than I ever expected. I was proud of her for stepping up, even though I didn’t believe she was ready to be a mother.

Then it happened: Something shifted, something changed, and she wasn't engaged with her child anymore. As her mother, this was something extremely hard to comprehend. We have dreams for our children; all mothers do. 

At that point, I had completely fallen in love with my grandchild, and suddenly, I was in the precarious position of stepping in to parent my grandchild and hurting my own child in the process. As the matriarch of my family, I had to set my feelings aside and look at the bigger picture.

I'm 60 and thought my parenting years were over, but now I'm raising my grandchild and hoping to retire by 90

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First and foremost, I didn’t ask for this unfortunate situation: my child is struggling, and it's impacting my grandchild.

What is best for my daughter? What is best for my grandchild? What's best for my family? And what can you do to facilitate all of the above? 

My grandchild deserves safety and an abuse-free life, even if my child doesn’t intend to harm my grandchild. My friends and other family members may not understand the circumstances, but quite frankly, that doesn’t matter; family issues are complex.

When I step in to raise my grandchild, I can’t leave things vague and unclear, especially when my child is dependent on substances. I need to pursue legal guardianship. My child can take my grandchild away anytime they feel like it, and with the struggles of dependency or mental illness, those decisions aren’t always made with the best intentions.

I need to be able to register the child for school or seek medical attention if the child so needs it. Sometimes, if you are lucky, this very step of pursuing guardianship makes your child take steps to recovery.

The role of a matriarch is so complicated. Everyone involved is my loved ones; they all have my heart. 

RELATED: I’m In My 60s And Raising My Grandchild — I Love Her Deeply, But Starting Over Was Never Part Of My Plan

But sometimes you have to hurt someone you love to help another one — I'm the only person who can muster up the courage to do so.

Currently, my daughter is taking small steps in the right direction to regain the parental rights of her daughter, and now the hard questions are coming up, like, “How could you do this to me?”

I have to remember: I didn’t “do” this to her — she did this to herself while I tried to keep her child out of foster care and without Child Protective Service's involvement. I was protecting my family. It's always easier to point the finger at someone else rather than to accept the consequences of your own actions.

Matriarchs aren’t afraid of difficult questions. They don’t hide from the choices they made, and if they make a mistake, they will own it. We have years of experience on our side, and as we age, fear doesn’t control us as much.

I hope that my daughter comes out on the other side of this someday. I want to have those hard conversations. In the meantime, she is free to make her mistakes without dragging my grandchild along for the ride.

RELATED: Therapist Reminds Grandparents That Their Grandchildren Are Not An Opportunity For A 'Parenting Do-Over'

Lisa Holliday is the Founder of Helping Grandparents, which offers support and resources to grandparents who are advocating on behalf of themselves and their grandchildren.