4 Things Parents Obsess Over That Won’t Make Your Kid Kinder, Smarter, Or Nicer
Here are a few things parents worry about way too much.
ernestoeslava | Canva Parents are given copious amounts of responsibility when the nurse hands our baby to us in the delivery room. It’s like: "Here you go. Hold this little human being (that you know nothing about) and keep it alive, okay, got it?"
Somehow, we do; we keep them alive and do everything we can to raise them to the best of our ability. But that doesn't mean we don't carry an intense fear of messing them up. Parental guilt washes over us the moment that the baby screams its way into our unprepared arms.
These two kids are taking a piece of me out into the world; they are basing their morals, standards, and values on what I have taught them. Scary, no? Yes, but truly the most important part of my parenting journey thus far (oh, yes, and I reiterate, keeping them alive.).
It is something that has taken me many parenting years to realize. Oh, yeah, and my son said to me the other day, "Rayne told me she is a better person because you breastfed her and not me." Insert sound of screeching tires, a needle being scratched off a vinyl record.
Without getting into the semantics of that conversation (in which I sat both my children down and explained drinking breastmilk does not make someone a better person), I came to realize what does matter when raising a child. Funnily enough, it wasn't that I breastfed or bottle-fed, but that I simply did to keep them alive.
Here are things parents obsess over that won’t make your kid kinder, smarter, or nicer:
1. Cloth diapers
When my son was born, I was bent on using cloth diapers. Not the fancy cloth diapers they sell or deliver to you now. I am talking CLOTH diapers with that huge pin. The pin you had to navigate sticking into the diaper and not your squirming, worm-like child. Yes, the pin had a cute little duck on the end of it, but it didn't take away from the sharp syringe-like needle you were pointing in the direction of your baby's belly button.
Once you finally pinned the diaper — and not your kid — you had to put him in rubber pants. Yup, rubber pants that either constricted your fat-legged baby to the point of ischemia or leaked so badly you were cleaning the poop out of anything this child went near. Cloth diapers did not make my child a better person.
2. Breastfeeding
Nastyaofly / Shutterstock
Hot topic, this I know, but not one that will make your child a good human being. Before I am burned at the stake in a Salem Witch-type manner, please know that I breastfed my daughter for 11 glorious months until she weaned herself directly to a cup. My daughter wouldn't take a bottle, no matter how hard I tried.
However, my son — poor guy — had a hard time latching on to my engorged beach-ball-like breasts. After three long, painful months, I got mastitis and could no longer breastfeed. My son was bottle-fed from that moment on.
Excessive focus on breastfeeding, especially when it's presented as the sole or ideal feeding method, can negatively impact parental mental health, particularly in mothers. One study argues that this pressure can lead to guilt, shame, and stress, potentially contributing to postpartum depression and anxiety. Prioritizing autonomy and supporting all feeding choices, including formula feeding, can foster better mental well-being for parents.
And with the honesty of Mother Teresa, I will tell you this: My daughter was a difficult child, but not a bad human being. So I say with great certainty that breastfeeding is good for your baby, and it will most definitely keep them alive, but so will bottle feeding. Neither of these will make them a better human being in the long run.
3. Organic homemade food
I did it, and I wouldn't change a thing. Every week, I had organic vegetables delivered to my door. I spent hours upon hours filtering peas through a metal strainer because there was no such thing as the baby bullet.
I cooked free-range chicken for hours to ensure a mushy consistency; eventually, I even learned to create a baby cereal recipe of my own — all-natural, pesticide-free. I was a regular Martha Stewart, at one point cultivating my own apple juice.
While potentially well-intentioned, an obsessive focus on organic food can lead to unintended negative consequences for children, such as developing unhealthy eating habits, anxiety about food, and potentially restrictive eating patterns. While the benefits of organic food in minimizing pesticide exposure are recognized, one study argues that the nutritional value of organic and conventional foods is generally considered equal.
My kids ate and still eat very well. That doesn't mean I didn't fight tooth and nail to get them to eat some days. Of course, I did. Toddlers are little food-fighting jerks. Are my kids healthier for it? I don’t know, but I do know they are not better human beings because of it.
4. Sleeping, co-sleeping, or anything to do with sleeping
morrowlight / Shutterstock
My son was close to 18 months old, and I was rocking that 34-pound child to sleep every night (on the plus side: strong arms). My daughter fell asleep on her own from the moment she came home from the hospital. Staying asleep for her, an entirely different animal. She would sleep for two hours at the most, and when she did, it was in my bed. My son would not come into my bed even if he thought the house was on fire.
My point is: Do what you want. Co-sleep, rock them to sleep, let them cry it out, don't let them dry it out. Keep them safe, but know that those things are going to keep you sane, not your children. Those things will not make them better human beings in the long run.
Over-focusing on sleep can lead to anxiety, stress, and even potentially detrimental practices like prolonged co-sleeping, which can negatively impact a child's independence and self-regulation. Instead, one study suggested that parents should prioritize creating a positive and supportive family environment that allows children to develop healthy sleep habits and learn to self-regulate.
I promise you, eventually they will sleep, and when they are teenagers, they will do nothing but sleep. What I know is that my children are not better people because of the things I did to keep them alive. They are better people because I instilled values in them, teaching them right from wrong.
It genuinely didn't matter how long I breastfed them. Or how long it took to potty train them. Look, I kept them alive. I am pretty sure that was goal No. 1. Goal number 2 and the only other goal I care about: them becoming good, heartfelt, caring adults. All of the rest doesn't matter in the long run.
Darla Halyk is a freelance writer and content creator. She has been featured in The Elephant Journal, Scary Mommy, BLUNTmoms, HuffPo, BlogHer and more.
