Stay-At-Home Moms: You Need To Stop Trusting Your Spouse
Women are foolishly making themselves vulnerable.
sandsun / Shutterstock My friends and I are having lunch. I am several months into a separation from my husband. The once love of my life, college sweetheart, best friend and all-around good guy. Or so I think.
We finish our meal and hand the waiter our debit cards.
He returns a few moments later.
“Your card was declined,” he says.
My friends graciously split the bill between the two of them. They tell me not to worry. It’s not a big deal. I’m embarrassed despite our closeness.
I can’t figure out why my card isn’t working so I call my husband.
“My card was declined,” I say.
“I know,” says my husband.
“Did you do something to my card?” I ask.
“Yes,” he says. “I froze your card.”
I’m incensed. I can’t believe he’s financially handicapped me. We no longer use credit cards. My debit card is the only form of payment I have. I feel powerless. Our trial separation has made it blatantly obvious my husband has control of all of our money.
It’s also made one other thing unquestionably clear.
He considers it ‘His money,’ not ours.
He is unapologetic about the position he’s put me in.
“My friends had to pay for me,” I say.
My husband is unphased. He doesn’t care. He isn’t embarrassed. He doesn’t feel bad. He’s pleased with himself. He’s reached his designated goal and achieved his agenda. He’s making it clear he holds all the cards.
A few weeks later my friend runs into my husband at the grocery store.
“I had to pay for your wife’s lunch,” she says.
My friend is overly generous and kind. She doesn’t care about the money. She’s extremely loyal and annoyed I’ve been treated this way. She calls my husband out on his bad behavior.
“Oh,” laughs my husband. “I was teaching her a lesson.
My friend is further annoyed.
Who does that? Who says that? Who does he think he is?
He’s the one love of my life, college sweetheart, best friend, and all-around good guy.
The man I trusted when we made a joint decision for me to stay at home and raise our children.
The guy who benefited from the financial, professional, and personal sacrifices I made. The guy who allowed me to take on all of the responsibilities within the home and parenting.
That’s who he is
Decades later I would realize how foolish I’d been to completely surrender my independence.
I had made myself vulnerable to severe and unrelenting financial abuse. Not to mention a never-ending divorce. It would take me five years to free myself. If I hadn’t given away my power by relying on and trusting a man this would never have happened.
Neither would the indignity of the 1950s divorce system mentality.
I wasn’t seen as the respectable, responsible, hard-working, confident, contributing woman, wife, and mother I’d been. Not by my husband, not by a portion of society, and not by the divorce system.
I was viewed as a taker.
A woman who thought she deserved something.
My contributions were not attached to a monetary number and therefore, not valued.
My husband took it all. My life savings, retirement, credit, achievements, dignity, and self-respect. He weaponized money as so many men do during a divorce. He would use, confuse and abuse our children to achieve his desired outcome.
He would leave them without food, health insurance and so much more.
Stay-at-home mothers, you need to stop trusting your spouse.
Colleen Sheehy Orme is a national relationship columnist, journalist, and former business columnist. She writes bout love, life, relationships, family, parenting, divorce, and narcissism.