7 Rare Qualities That Define The Golden Child In A Family, According To Psychology
The 'golden child' isn't just favored, they quietly shape the whole family dynamic.
cometary | Canva The golden child is fundamentally an extension of a narcissistic parent. Hence, they are the embodiment of perfection, the "good child," the "special child" who is a projection of all the impeccable characteristics of the parent and hence, should strive regularly to inculcate and facilitate those qualities of a virtuous person, the ones their parents portray.
A study in the International Journal of Psychology & Psychological Therapy showed "that parental narcissism is related to children's depression and anxiety and that this relationship is mediated by the rearing style as recalled by the offspring." The parents' boundaries are diffused with those of their child, and the child never acquires a completely individualistic sense of self, and this is how the golden child is made.
Everything the child touches turns to gold, hence the name. A golden child cannot shake off the feeling they are special, but is unable to find within themselves the grounds on which it should be so. There is an underlying longing to be accepted as they are, with their imperfections and frailties, rather than being praised for the glossed person that they are not.
Here are the rare qualities that define the golden child in a family, according to psychology:
1. They are competitive
As earlier mentioned, a golden child is a reflection of a narcissistic parent. This child is very competitive, always striving to win. In a narcissistic family, the children are pitted against one another to encourage competition. So, this golden child grows up very competitive.
They often take personal risks to ensure they secure the first position in all aspects of life. Their self-confidence and sense of self-esteem are based on external sources of reinforcement, like achievements, praises, and titles, as supported by a 2016 study on the "traumatic impact narcissistic parents have on their children’s emerging identity and relational functioning."
2. They are studious
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Which kid loves studying? None other than the golden child in a narcissistic family. Unlike other kids, they are extremely excited about going to school and taking part in competitive events they love.
School is the best place to be. In fact, going to school, for them, is the most fun part of the day. They thrive the best in competitive situations. They are bold and upfront in handling the competition.
No doubt, they are the celebrated stars of the class. Never failing to secure a place in the good books of the teacher because they shine. They set a milestone for their fellow students. They would rather teach his/her friends a few intellectual topics that need help with their homework.
3. They abide by their parents' rules
One can find most children being rebellious on being dictated to and controlled. But to a golden child, the rules set by their parents are the ultimate rule book for them.
They never question their parents' decisions. They even end up sacrificing their choices to take up the choices of their parents. A study from the American Psychological Association found that this type of narcissistic over-parenting "leads to a relative absence of space for the development of structuralized self and object relations. This also involves difficulty with separation, especially evident as the child leaves home."
4. They have productive hobbies
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Video games and television shows are not the golden child’s cup of tea. They prefer engaging themselves in truly inspiring and fruitful hobbies, which provides them the chance to improve themselves.
They find better investments of time in reading books, getting involved in sports, playing an instrument, painting, or doing creative activities.
5. They are sociable
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This child is the talker, the attention grabber of the lot. They are the center of attention at a house party. All the other children in their friend circle look up to him/her.
They are often armed with good communication skills and convincing capabilities, while themselves being non-credulous. They also have a natural knack for sports and outdoor games.
A 2021 study explored "the concept of mirroring through social contagion, the avoidance behaviors from a child, and the effects of regulation strategies to cope with stressful situations," as effects of narcissistic parenting styles on the social development of children.
6. They are sensitive to criticism
This child knows they are exclusive. They know they are not like the rest of the other children. Oftentimes, they hold themselves on a higher pedestal than they could be credited for.
Being hypersensitive to criticism, they do not like getting slagged for whatever they say or do.
7. They seek perfection
Ever since a very young age, this child has tended to be obsessed with perfection. They want their dress all clean and tidy, food just like they want it, their rooms organized and in order, and their homework should be free of mistakes.
They frustrate themselves when they fail to live up to their unrealistic expectations. A 2017 study "examining the relationship between a specific aspect of psychologically controlling parenting, parental conditional regard, and two dimensions of perfectionism, self-critical perfectionism and narcissistic perfectionism." found that "parent socialization characterized by guilt inducement and love withdrawal may be common to the development of these two distinct dimensions of perfectionism."
The Golden Child Syndrome has lasting effects into adulthood. The description looks clean. Who doesn’t want to be a golden child? And if you are an expecting mother, yes, this is how you want your kid to be — full of virtues.
But many fail to see the fragile personality in making, behind the mask of aura and glamour. Everything they touch is gold (hence the name) until they grow up and their world crumbles into a ruin of disorientation.
A golden child will seldom develop psychologically and emotionally to individuate. This means these children growing up struggle to find an identity for themselves. As they grow up, these children will be almost incapable of taking care of themselves and making their own decisions.
Healthy parents rely on transparency, empathy, and understanding to grow a secure attachment with their children. They do not depend on criticism, body shaming, guilt-tripping, and other manipulative techniques to create broken, insecure, self-effacing, and anxious children.
"The result of more effective emotion regulation and secure attachment during infancy and childhood is that children engage more effectively with essential developmental tasks, including peer relationships and schooling," suggested a behavioral developmental study of the benefits of attachment parenting
A golden child who has undergone narcissistic parenting might have the following psycho-emotional problems when they grow up:
- They tend to be hyper-vigilant and have obsessive traits.
- They're hypersensitive to criticism.
- They tend to be paranoid.
- They don't fully understand or respect boundaries in relationships.
- They are people pleasers.
- They have poor decision-making skills.
- They present poor judgment.
- They crave constant attention.
- They have difficulty dealing with hurdles and daily hassles.
- They lack emotional sensitivity and tend to become detached. They fail to make meaningful connections.
- They often manipulate people or relationships for their benefit.
- They're uncomfortable with uncertainty.
- They often grow up to have narcissistic traits themselves.
Can the golden child become a narcissist? It depends on how strong-willed the child is, but sometimes, yes, they can. The golden child is being molded into becoming a mini-me of their parents. They are given and presented to the worldview of the damaged parents, and while being given all or most of the attention, they absorb emotional damage alongside it.
The above-mentioned truths portray the costly side effects of favoritism. Pretty much every family has a golden child and it not only impacts the child but also anyone who is closely associated with them, especially their siblings.
As a parent, the least you can do is never forget to allow your child to exercise the autonomy they deserve. The following words by German-American psychoanalyst Erik Erikson are for you to read and imbibe into yourself as a parent:
"Parents must not only have certain ways of guiding by prohibition and permission, but they must also be able to represent to the child a deep, almost somatic conviction that there is meaning in what they are doing." — Erik Erikson
Shreyasi Debnath is a psychologist and writer who focuses on mental health, self-care, and self-love.
