7 Problem Behaviors In Teens That Are Actually Signs They’re Developing Exactly As They Should, According To A Psychologist
Often, what others think is bad behavior from teens is really just normal development.
Antonio Guillem | Shutterstock As a parent, it’s easy to watch your teen’s behavior and think they’re messing up big time. They act horribly and disrespectfully, and you’re sure you never did that when you were their age. Because of these common assumptions, you may be surprised to learn that these behaviors actually signal that they’re developing properly. But that’s exactly what psychologist and parenting coach Dr. Cam Caswell said in an Instagram post.
According to her, “Most of the behaviors that frustrate us — mood swings, procrastination, backtalk, risky choices — aren’t signs of defiance. They’re signs of normal, healthy development. Your teen isn’t trying to make your life harder. Their brain is still under construction.”
Dr. Caswell highlighted seven behaviors in particular that seem like they are a problem, but are actually signs your teen is developing as they should be.
1. Having a bad attitude
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No parent wants to encounter a teen with what Dr. Caswell termed a “nasty attitude,” but it happens all too often. Instead of being a sign of straight-up bad behavior, Dr. Caswell said this is actually a sign of their development. She said it “actually is … the teen brain learning emotional regulation. Between the ages of 10 [to] 19 [plus], their feelings are bigger than their skills to manage them.”
Teens are just unsure of how to regulate their emotions, and it all ends up coming out pretty messy because of that. The CDC agreed this is the case. “Teen brains are developing rapidly, and their bodies are experiencing hormone increases,” they said. “However, the part of the brain involved in decision-making and managing emotions is still under construction. This often leads to teens being moody and experiencing a wide range of emotions.”
Dr. Caswell and the CDC both recommended that parents try to remain calm when teens exhibit bad attitudes and to use their own emotions as a model their teens can follow. This way, parents can show their kids what healthy emotional regulation looks like and how it doesn’t have to be something extremely difficult. Everything in you may be telling you to lose it when your teen does, but it’s best to keep your composure.
2. Avoiding chores
Doing chores is just a part of life for teens, especially if they want to earn an allowance. But, because their “executive function is still developing,” Dr. Caswell explained that anyone between the ages of 11 and 25 — well beyond teen-hood, really — may struggle to “plan, prioritize, and follow through.” Because their brains aren’t fully developed, they’re still working through that process and figuring out how to implement it.
Dr. Jane Nelsen, creator of the Positive Discipline program, and Lynn Lott argued that teens don’t do chores because they simply forget to. “Why do they forget?” they asked. “Because they are busy being teenagers, and chores are not priorities for them.” This goes back to Dr. Caswell’s comments on teens struggling to prioritize and follow through. Teen brains are not yet ready to accept that kind of responsibility.
According to Dr. Caswell, some effective things you can do to combat this are to build a routine in conjunction with your kids. Instead of just making a game plan for them and expecting them to follow it, seek their input. Also, try breaking chores up into smaller steps, and remember that those chore charts aren’t just for little kids. They can work for teens, too. By being patient and giving your teen some grace, you might just find that they’re more willing to work with you than you may expect.
3. Constantly causing arguments
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Teens are known for their propensity to argue, and many parents have come to accept this behavior from them. Or, on the other hand, they may discipline it with a very heavy hand. But Dr. Caswell insisted that this isn’t meant to be intentionally rude. Instead, it’s part of “critical thinking and identity formation. Around ages 12 [to] 18 [plus], teens challenge ideas as a way to figure out what they believe — and who they are.”
Psychologist Dr. Carl Pickhardt, PhD, said that teens arguing is a way for them to figure out their individuality and independence, something parents have to understand and respect. It’s a teen’s way of finding out who they are and expressing themselves. “Argument doesn’t mean parent and teenager can no longer get along; it is an increasing part of how they get along as they verbally broker more human differences and disagreements between them,” he added.
When faced with a child who is argumentative, Dr. Caswell said parents should truly take the time to listen to what their kids have to say and think. They should also explain where they’re coming from with their own side of the argument. This doesn’t mean their teen has to agree with them, but just that they have to hear them. This will create more productive conversations.
4. Being selfish
Dr. Caswell noted that selfish behavior typically comes across as someone lacking empathy, but in the case of teens, the opposite is actually true. Instead, it’s “developing empathy and perspective-taking,” something that is particularly prominent between 13 and 17. This is when a teen’s brain first starts to look beyond their own immediate experience, so they are still learning how to show empathy and relate to others.
Child psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour explained, “Teenagers turn inward during this stage — not out of intentional malice or rudeness, but because their emotional resources are being rerouted toward identity formation. They’re building themselves. And, like any construction zone, it’s messy.” Because teens’ brains are still developing, they naturally act a little more selfish.
During these times when your teen may appear more selfish, Dr. Caswell said it’s good to point out when they do show empathy. Make a big deal out of it and give them a pat on the back. Also, prompt them to think about how their words and actions affect others. If they’re able to realize a behavior was hurtful, they may discontinue it.
5. Making bad decisions
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It’s easy to look at a teen’s decisions and judge them. When you have the perspective that comes with being an adult and living longer, teenagers just seem to be making some poor choices. However, you have to keep in mind that their “risk assessment and impulse control are still maturing,” as Dr. Caswell said. They have not developed as much as an adult has, so they simply don’t have the same level of common sense.
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry stated, “Scientists have identified a specific region of the brain called the amygdala that is responsible for immediate reactions, including fear and aggressive behavior. This region develops early. However, the frontal cortex, the area of the brain that controls reasoning and helps us think before we act, develops later. This part of the brain is still changing and maturing well into adulthood.”
Because teens’ frontal cortexes are still under development, and will be until they’re much older, they just aren’t going to make as good choices as one might hope. They don’t have the ability to reason as well, which affects the way they’ll act. Dr. Caswell said it’s actually good to allow teens to make decisions often because it gives them the practice they need. Over time, this will improve.
6. Not paying attention
Have you ever been talking to your teen and felt like they didn’t take in a single word that you said? If so, you’re definitely not alone. Teens are known to check out of conversations and just not pay attention, but they aren’t consciously choosing to ignore others. Instead, this is a case of what Dr. Caswell calls “cognitive overload." She added, “Between ages 12 [to] 18, their brains are easily overwhelmed by stress, emotions, or too much input at once.”
Dr. Pickhardt said this “mental slippage” is totally normal for teens. He explained that teens are going through a lot of different changes, and they’re bound to lose some focus because of that. For example, they’re experiencing puberty, peer pressure and more difficulty at school. They’re also trying to figure out their place in the world and establish themselves as an individual.
When you find your teen struggling with this, Dr. Caswell said it can be helpful to turn the focus to holding conversations instead of just talking at your children. This gives them the chance to participate and use their own skills as well. It can also hold their attention better because they are an active part of the conversation. Whatever happens, don’t take a lack of listening too hard. They have good reasons for it.
7. Having a messy room
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A messy room is perhaps the quintessential teenage stereotype. Many have just accepted that it’s a part of teens’ lifestyle. But, Dr. Caswell said that it’s actually a sign of expressing oneself more and trying to become an individual. “Between ages 11 [to] 19 [plus], teens start prioritizing their own comfort and preferences over parental standards — especially in their personal space,” she noted.
In other words, teens are just pushing for independence and claiming their space as their own when they leave their room messy. Neuroscientist Frances Jensen further backed up these claims, citing that the prefrontal cortex is still developing and not fully connected to other parts of the brain yet. Because of this, not all parts of the brain are communicating properly, which is one of the reasons teens think having a messy room is okay.
Dr. Caswell recommended addressing this issue by choosing to respect your teen’s personal space. Instead of coming in and dictating what they do with it, it might be best to just control your own space and let them do what they want to with theirs. This doesn’t let them off the hook for keeping other parts of the house tidy and cleaning up after themselves, though.
There are plenty of reasons a parent might think that their teenager is acting disrespectfully or even delinquently. If they aren’t paying attention to what their parents are saying or arguing with others, it’s bound to seem like they are behaving badly. However, these things are really just signs that a teen is developing as they should. Parents can rest easy knowing that.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
