People Who Grew Up Tiptoeing Around One Parent Usually Struggle With These 11 Things In Adulthood
Their parents often laid a shaky foundation that would follow them for the rest of their lives.
Basilico Studio Stock / Shutterstock If you grew up in a household with a parent who was volatile, unpredictable, or emotionally unavailable, you know how anxiety-inducing it can be. You tiptoe around that house, trying not to make them erupt in anger or shut down on you. Your parents were clearly dysfunctional, but it was familiar to you, and you learned how to navigate around their toxic behavior.
Many of us can look back on our childhood with a mature eye and realize that some of the familial dynamics we faced were unhealthy. We do our best to heal and grow from those experiences, but sometimes the impact is far-reaching. In adulthood, you might struggle with things that are a direct result of walking on eggshells throughout your adolescence.
People who grew up tiptoeing around one parent usually struggle with these 11 things in adulthood
1. Hypervigilance
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Some might call it paranoia, but because of how you were raised, you have a tendency to mistrust people first. Your default is to assume bad intentions, and you constantly scan every environment for signs of danger and emotional shifts. You've seen firsthand that bad things happen to good people, so you stay vigilant so you can see a problem before it arises.
This survival mechanism causes you to act or think irrationally at times. You developed it out of necessity when you were young. It helped you cope with your parents' hot-and-cold behavior, violent outbursts, or emotional abandonment. You know logically that your perspective is a little off, but these habits run deep and a hard to change. Learn to identify your emotions rather than reacting. When you feel negativity arising, decide whether your fear is justified or should be dropped in favor of positivity.
2. People-pleasing
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People who grew up with a parent who kept them on pins and needles can develop a habit of people-pleasing to gain approval or affection. They come from a background where love was given as a reward for falling in line rather than a constant. They learned early on that connection with people they love must be earned and if they didn't put everyone's needs before their's, they'd be left out in the cold.
That urge to prioritize everyone else's needs above your own can stay with you as you mature. It becomes a way of keeping conflict and rejection at bay, no matter the cost to your mental and emotional well-being. You've found that upsetting someone you find value in has consequences, and you don't want to find yourself on the outside looking in. It's time to practice setting small boundaries and getting comfortable with the fact that everyone won't like you, and that's okay.
3. Conflict avoidance
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If you had to tiptoe around one of your parents, you've figured out how to avoid conflict. You didn't have a safe space to express yourself, so you opted to avoid confrontation and go along to be agreeable. This fear of conflict never went away, so as a grown-up, you maintain harmony by neglecting to address underlying issues.
Confrontation can be scary for a child. Oftentimes, you don't have control or autonomy, so you are subjected to the will of your parent. If they happen to be detrimental to your psyche, it doesn't take long to perceive that some things are better left unsaid. This hinders communication in your adult relationships. A better practice would be to choose safe people who are emotionally mature and respect your opinions.
4. Difficulty expressing needs
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If your parent silenced you or got upset when you asked for something, it's no wonder you have trouble expressing your needs as an adult. You were never allowed to have a voice, and over time, you lost it. So you remain quiet, careful not to make waves or turn people away for fear they will reject you, ridicule you, or get upset.
Being able to talk about your wants and desires is imperative on this life journey. You have one of them, so why waste it silencing yourself to make everyone else comfortable? You want your needs and feelings recognized and validated, but that validation must first start from within. Challenge your inner critic, understanding that it is echoing your problematic parent while silencing who you really are.
5. Low self-esteem
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Comedian Katt Williams once famously said that he wishes women would stop telling him that he messed up their self-esteem. He said they shouldn't blame him because self-esteem esteems itself. It was their problem, not his. He was right, but there are many situations where constantly tiptoeing around a volatile parent causes a person's self-perception to suffer greatly.
Your self-esteem is your sense of personal value and self-worth. Constant criticism, rejection, and disapproval can leave yours in the gutter. You might embrace the mindset that something is inherently wrong with you, or that you are flawed and unworthy. Self-care and trauma-informed therapy can help release some of the stuck emotions and unhealthy assumptions deeply ingrained in you and allow you to see yourself as the amazing person that you really are.
6. Perfectionism
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Children who have to walk on eggshells in their own homes are accustomed to trying to be perfect, but always finding that perfection just out of reach. Nothing they ever do is good enough, and the goalpost is moved once they reach it. It's a constant struggle to be what their parent wants in order to gain affection and acceptance.
No one is perfect, and trying to be will lead to stress, burnout, and dissatisfaction that don't stop automatically as you age. Those dysfunctional dynamics carry over into adulthood and are mimicked throughout life. You are always trying to show someone that you are good enough, but still falling short. Reparent yourself. Talk kindly to yourself. Permit yourself to do your best, then rest. If it's good enough for you, it will be good enough for everyone else.
7. Difficulty trusting others
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Of course, you have a hard time trusting other people. Your caregiver taught you that you can't trust even the person who is supposed to love you the most. So, it makes sense that you don't have any faith in anyone else. You've learned that you can't rely on people and that mistrust can carry over into your adulthood.
The expectation of being betrayed, abandoned, or manipulated stays in the back of your mind, and it can take a lifetime of opposing experiences to overcome it. The key is to be around people who have a desire to build trust and loyalty. Align with those who keep their word and are reliable and consistent. If you find the right tribe, you will start to understand that there are good people in the world.
8. Suppressing emotions
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The most toxic thing I witnessed was a child running in the store, much to his mother's dismay. He tripped and fell to the ground, smacking the floor loudly. I went over and knelt down to ask if he was okay, but his mom stepped in. She said he was fine, then turned to him and said, "You'd better not cry. You shouldn't have been running." Even as an adult, I would have shed a few tears if I were him.
Some parents think they have authority over how their child feels. They tell them when it is appropriate to cry, laugh, get angry, or be sad. Those children, no doubt, will grow up to be adults who bottle their emotions down so they don't face judgment by others. Placing yourself in safe spaces is the first step in ridding yourself of the emotional numbness that was instilled in you.
9. Trouble setting boundaries
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As an adolescent, your boundaries were totally ignored, so you never really understood what it means to set them and stand on business. Having and respecting healthy boundaries was not modeled for you, so you either let people walk all over you or overcompensate by building rigid walls to protect yourself from harm.
The best path is somewhere in between. Building self-esteem and being in places where you feel safe and secure will allow you to implement some boundaries that align with your core values. The people who are meant to be in your life will accept and respect them, and you will find that boundaries are a must-have in great relationships.
10. Attraction to dysfunction
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I'd never have believed it if I hadn't witnessed it myself, but some people thrive in dysfunction. They are so accustomed to staying on their toes, even when they should be resting and recovering, that anything else feels lifeless. Their parent started deregulating their central nervous system early in life, giving them extreme highs and the lowest of lows.
They become adults with emotional instability and a craving for chaos that can't be satisfied. They start fires in their own lives, then act surprised when the house burns down. If you are one of those people, you will have to learn to get comfortable with peace and quiet. Spending time getting to know yourself and getting used to solace and solitude can reprogram you to expect harmony and work toward it.
11. Guilt for putting themselves first
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When you had to tiptoe around one of your parents, you were never the priority. Everyone orbited around them, making sure they stayed calm and reasonable. If you dared to express a different desire than theirs, you might be admonished for your selfishness or made out to be the problem. Your fear of standing out for all of the wrong reasons made you put aside your needs.
As an adult, you are still overgiving, pouring from an empty cup, and running around like a track star to cater to everyone else's needs. Recognize that you are in survival mode. You have forgotten all about yourself and will sacrifice everything if you can just make them happy. On an airplane, they tell you to put your oxygen mask on before helping your kids in an emergency. Apply that logic to life. You've gotta save yourself before you can be anyone else's superhero.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
