Pastor Urges Married Couples To Stop Feeling Responsible For Their Parents — ‘I Don’t Care If Your Mom Wants You To Come Home For The Holidays’

A master-class in setting boundaries.

Woman who needs to stop feeling responsible for her parents BearFotos | Shutterstock
Advertisement

Marriage tends to shift people’s focus away from their families of origin and toward the family they’re building with their partner.

Whether a couple chooses to spend time with their parents and in-laws is up to them, but one religious leader thinks that they shouldn’t feel obligated to do so, and went so far as to urge couples to stop feeling responsible for their extended families all together.

Advertisement

A pastor urged married couples to stop feeling responsible for their parents.

“The moment you say ‘I do,’ you have no more responsibility between you and your parents,” the pastor stated. “The Bible says, when you get married, leave, cleave, become one.”

@seacoastchurch

You can't become one with your spouse if you are giving someone else the power and authority to control you. Watch the full message on setting healthy boundaries on our YouTube channel. Link in bio.

♬ original sound - Seacoast

RELATED: Woman Decides She Will No Longer Be Her Husband's 'Kin Keeper' When It Comes To Talking To Her In-Laws

Advertisement

“Leave who? Mother and father,” he said, reiterating his belief that couples aren’t responsible for their parents once they get married.

He then gave an example of someone saying, “But my mom wants me to come home for holidays.”

“I don’t care what she wants,” he said. “You’re not responsible for meeting her wants.”

Even if that mom gets angry, the pastor believes, "You’re not responsible for her anger,” as her anger is “in her circle.”

“Can you choose to go home?” he asked. “Absolutely. But if you make her responsible for your choices, what are you giving her? Authority and power to control you.”

Woman who chose to go home to her parents for the holidays Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock

Advertisement

The pastor isn’t wrong in his thinking. We’re not responsible for how people react to our actions, nor can we control anyone else’s response to what we do. 

Just because the mom in his imagined scenario is upset with her adult child’s decision doesn’t mean they have to bend to her will.

An issue with his argument, however, is that it frames married couples as more deserving of boundaries than their adult, single counterparts.

RELATED: How To Set Healthy Boundaries For Harmonious Relationships

Even if a person isn’t married, they shouldn’t be required to be responsible for their parents, either.

Setting boundaries, especially around holidays, particularly with your parents, can be a difficult task, which is why so many therapists and coaches share various ways to do so.

Advertisement

Author and podcast host Mel Robbins shared her perspective on how to navigate difficult emotions when setting boundaries.

“If you feel guilty setting boundaries, particularly with your parents, I’ve got three simple things that are going to help you,” Robbins said.

@melrobbins When it comes to setting #boundaries with people in your life, SO MANY of you have messaged me saying that setting them with your parents has been the most difficult.These 3 steps will help you take your power back as an adult and set healthy boundaries with them (especially during the holidays).Send this to someone who needs this #advice before the holiday season. #melrobbins #familyboundaries #holidays #family #holidayseason #thanksgiving ♬ Hope - adrianberenguer

“Let’s say it’s a holiday weekend, your parents thought you were coming home, you’re on the phone with them, and you tell them, ‘No, I’m going away with my friends,’" she described. "You hear the silence, you hear the tone shift, immediately you feel that wave of guilt.”

Advertisement

Robbins acknowledged that it's normal to feel guilty about setting boundaries with parents, “because there’s always an imbalance in a parent-child relationship, and guilt’s probably been a part of it for a long time.” Yet, that guilt doesn't mean you should give up on setting boundaries.

First, she advised people who feel guilty to recognize the feelings they’re having inside.

Her next piece of advice was to “Feel empathy for your parents because that guilt is just love and disappointment expressed in an unhelpful way.”

Advertisement

“This is where you become an adult in your life," she said. "You use ‘yes, and.’” For example, "Yes, I know you’re disappointed, and I’m still gonna go away this weekend with my friends, and let’s find another weekend where I’m gonna come home and see you."

“That’s the way you can take your power back as an adult in your life,” she concluded.

The pastor’s messaging is on the right track, yet opening his belief up to include everyone, not just married people, is a fairer way to frame the issue. Single adults deserve to have their boundaries held, too, not just married couples.

RELATED: Wife Issues PSA To Women Before The Holidays — 'Your In-Laws Are Not Your Family, You Don't Have To Do Any Of It'

Advertisement

Alexandra Blogier is a writer on YourTango's news and entertainment team. She covers social issues, pop culture and all things to do with the entertainment industry.