Kids Raised By Parents Who Do These 7 Things Often End Up With Childhood Trauma They Have To Undo As An Adult
PeopleImages | Shutterstock Being a good parent who tends to their kids' needs is often the best you can do. But even good parents can unintentionally act in ways that cause their children harm.
Clinical psychologist Michaela Dunbar explained the mistakes parents make that leave their grown kids with childhood trauma. And, unfortunately, as adults, they're left to pick up the pieces and attempt to undo the damage.
When parents do these things, their kids often end up with childhood trauma they have to undo as adults
1. Comparing their kids to others
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It might seem lighthearted and harmless, but when parents compare their kids to other children, it can really damage their sense of self. To build confidence in kids, they need to know they have value and worth just for being themselves.
It's an inherent part of human nature to compare ourselves to others. But when parents compare their own children, it teaches them to define themselves based on others. As a result, they don't develop their own unique sense of self.
Unfortunately, this can leave kids with childhood trauma as adults. When they're just kids wondering why they aren't more like a family member or a neighborhood friend, they internalize the message that they should be different.
2. Ignoring their kids' achievements
Kids learn how to treat themselves based on their parents' behavior. When a parent hesitates to offer their child praise, that child comes to believe that they're not good enough.
Not offering praise when your kid does something well can damage them in the long run, and even cause them to develop childhood trauma that follows them into adulthood. While praising kids for everything can end up harming them, if parents refrain from ever doing it, they're setting their child up for failure.
Celebrating your kids' achievements doesn't spoil them. In fact, it gives them a boost of confidence and teaches them to trust themselves.
Even if it doesn't seem like a big deal, letting your kids know how proud you are of them for the little things, like doing well on a test or trying something new, can build their self-esteem in a lasting way.
3. Leveraging care in exchange for obedient behavior
Some parents position their role as caregivers by expecting their kids to behave exactly how they want them to. They say things like "I feed you, house you, clothe you, and pay your bills" in order to force their children to behave.
But instead of getting them to calm down and listen, it just makes kids think they're a burden on their families. It's really a parent's job to provide for their kids without expecting anything in return.
4. Expecting their child to fulfill their own dreams
A major part of being a supportive parent is recognizing that your kid has their own identity and dreams. And those aspirations and individuality are separate from whatever you might want for them.
Just because you never got to live out your dreams as a star soccer player doesn't mean your kid will, especially if they're more into theater. By pushing expectations onto your kids, you're not giving them the space they need to figure out who they are and what they want for themselves.
5. Not spending time together
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Parents who keep their kids at a distance or don't express affection end up with adult children who have trauma from the way they were raised. It's harmful to their development, especially as kids grow older and start forming relationships outside of their family.
We live in a world with constant distractions, and it can be hard to focus on just one thing at a time. But it's up to parents to make that time for their kids a priority.
Doing this lets your kids know that they matter most to you. Rather than reaching for a phone or putting an iPad in front of their face, spending time with your kids lays the foundation for healthy relationships in the future.
6. Being critical
Parents who are critical of their children often don't realize the negative effects of their criticism.
Kids internalize their parents' judgment, which leads them to believe that they're not enough or that they need to change who they are. As adults, they may develop unhealthy habits that can make everyday life feel like a struggle.
Instead of building strength, when parents are critical of their kids or refrain from ever saying anything nice, it gives them low self-esteem and major insecurities.
7. Refusing to recognize their kids' problems
When a child presents a problem to their parents, they're looking for emotional or physical support. They want a listening ear and help finding a solution.
But by not acknowledging that their kids need help, parents are essentially sending the message that their needs don't matter. A parent who ignores their kid's issues isn't offering the emotional support their kids need in order to thrive.
Unfortunately, this contributes to a cycle of trauma, even if they're not aware of it.
Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a writer based in Boston, Massachusetts who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.
