People Who Heal From Bad Childhoods Usually Repeat 4 Casual Phrases, Says Stanford Neuroscientist
LOOK | Canva Everyone has a past, but some people's experiences run deeper than others. And if you grew up in a toxic household or with a bad childhood, you might be carrying around old hurt or unresolved trauma that impacts you to this day. Getting over this trauma isn't easy, but it is possible.
Podcast host Andrea Miller had the honor of speaking with James Doty, MD, in the year before he passed away. The Stanford professor, neurosurgeon, and author of the best-selling Into the Magic Shop shared a few recommendations for how to heal from a bad childhood, with three simple phrases.
People who heal from a bad childhood usually say these things casually:
1. 'I am worthy'
When we're stuck in the past, it tends to come with a lot of guilt and shame, as if we were not worthy to survive a bad childhood or whatever other struggles we faced. Researchers from a 2023 study write, "Guilt and shame are two self-related emotions that often emerge following traumatic events and may contribute to the clinical profile of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)."
So, when these intense emotions hit, it might be hard to see yourself as worthy, and because of that shame, you might begin to feel as if you even deserved it. But it's important to take a deep breath and pause for a second. Then, repeat the casual phrase, "I am worthy." Now, it might not feel this way at first, but repeating this simple phrase will help ground you when you find your thoughts running wild.
2. 'I deserve love'
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We all deserve to be loved. But if you had a bad childhood, this might not feel possible. Likely, you struggle a lot with getting yourself to open up; likely, that's because you're hypervigilant, and hypervigilance is a trauma response.
Podcat co-host Joanna Schroeder says, "What you're describing, and I'm recognizing in myself, also feels like the result of growing up in chaos and with trauma. Always looking around, always trying to have a distraction, always picking up the phone. It's a way to avoid connection out of fear of rejection."
Doty agrees and suggests incorporating a body survey exercise to get the muscles in your body to relax. Then afterward you can try repeating the casual phrase, "I deserve love."
3. 'It is possible'
They say that anything is possible if you just believe. But when you're stuck in negativity, this 'dream' might seem too far-fetched. After all, if the people that raises you don't believe in you, then why should you believe in yourself? It's just being realistic, right?
However, what you describe as truthful is really just a trauma response. Doty explains, "Oftentimes people think that dialogue is truth, is them. But what it is, is something we call negativity bias. Because to survive, we had to pay attention to negative things. And unfortunately, for many of us, that translates into being very hypercritical of ourselves."
And being hyper-critical of ourselves is damaging, to say the least. Research has continuously shown that self-criticism leads to various mental health disorders. So, to avoid this, be sure to repeat the casual phrase, "It is possible," multiple times a day.
4. 'I can'
Too many of us live in an old pattern of believing our dreams or goals are unrealistic. Part of the reason is that we are so isolated, and it's challenging to have great success in isolation. Compared to how society was generations ago, this lone-wolf lifestyle is a dramatic shift.
Doty explains, "We used to live in multi-generational families, or we had a community or a village that cared for us. They knew the good and the bad about us, but regardless, they still loved us. We did not have a variety of media (or other things in our environment) that would beat us up and say, you didn't do this, you didn't accomplish that. You're not worthy, you're not good."
He continues, "The community loved you and made you feel that you could do anything you set your mind to. You didn't have to do it all alone. Unfortunately, things have changed since then. People feel less motivated, less engaged, and more alone."
That's why it's important to remind yourself that you're fully capable of achieving whatever it is you set your mind to — and that you can do it, even if it's hard and even if you're a product of a bad childhood. In addition, if you can build a community around yourself, you will find immense support and confidence, as long as you're willing to believe you deserve it.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, family, and trending topics.
