Kids Raised By Parents Who Were Emotionally Immature Usually Carry 10 Adaptive Habits Into Adulthood
rsooll | shutterstock When you grow up with a parent who isn't able to model good decion-making or emotional intelligence, you have to figure things out on your own. According to Annie Tanasugarn Ph.D., "this is a key pattern seen in intergenerational trauma that is conditioned and maintained from one generation to the next."
As someone who’s seen it up close and personal, I can attest to how challenging it is to grow up in this scenario. The habits below suggest someone's parents were emotionally immature, and they're still affected by it now.
Kids raised by emotionally immature parents bring these habits into their adult lives:
1. They're scared to try new things
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Emotionally immature parents tend to make the world a scary place for children. Some just assume that their children can’t do anything that they, themselves, can’t do. If they’re also narcissistic, they may encourage children to give up on outdoing their own achievements. Unsurprisingly, many children of immature parents tend to be unwilling or unable to branch out.
It’s not uncommon for adult children of immature parents to be stuck at home well into their 40s. After all, if Mother Dearest convinced them they can’t go out without their help, who are they to question it?
While a fear of trying new things can be a symptom of being raised by emotionally immature parents, it's not a definitive indicator, and there are many other potential causes for this behavior. A study published by Oxford's SCAN journal found that emotionally immature parenting can lead to insecurity and difficulty managing emotions, potentially impacting a child's willingness to take risks and explore new experiences.
2. They overachieve and act mature beyond their age
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One of the most common signs that someone was raised by an immature parent is how unnaturally mature their kids are. This deals with parentification, where a child is expected to act as a parent would. It
A child who’s expected to care for their siblings or parents in an emotional or physical way is a child who often has a world-weary look in their eyes by 16. People often call them “old souls” or tell them “they grew up too fast.” They may also be praised for being so mature or such a well-behaved child.
Because children of immature parents often have to be the adults in the relationship, they tend to be more serious than their peers. They can be very job-oriented and studious as both children and adults and feel they can never make a mistake or drop the ball. Even when the world is no longer on their shoulders, they still carry that weight as if it were.
3. They struggle maintaining boundaries
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Immature parents will trample on your boundaries the way a stampede of elephants tramples the ground of the Serengeti. Most emotionally immature parents will guilt-trip, use silence as a punishment, or just start screaming at kids who try to maintain boundaries.Or else they might just keep asking for more and more and more without recognizing that they're putting too much on their child for their age.
If you’ve ever dealt with this long-term, you probably have difficulty holding boundaries. You might not even be aware of certain boundaries that are typically commonplace among healthy families. This can lead to oversharing or wedging yourself into things you’re not supposed to be involved with as a child in order to try to keep the peace.
According to a 2021 Polish study, struggling with boundaries, particularly as an adult, can be a sign of being raised by emotionally immature parents. These parents may have violated or ignored your childhood boundaries, leading to difficulties establishing and maintaining them later in life.
4. They feel trapped easily because of how much their parents depened on them
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Does your relationship with your parents make you feel suffocated? Do your parents act like you’re their own personal validation bank or expect you to comfort them at the drop of a hat?
Many, if not most, children of emotionally immature parents have felt suffocated by their parents’ needy behavior. This is also a major reason why many children of emotionally immature parents eventually go no-contact with them, which can be a logical choice for them.
What might seem less logical is how they'll resist being depended upon as adults with people totally unrelated to them. As a relationship grows more inter-dependent (as good relationships do) they find themselves ready to cut-and-run, no matter how well it's going.
5. They put their own needs last to an unhealthy degree
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In contrast to the point above, some kids who had emotionally immature parents they felt they needed to take care of will be attracted to people and situations where they can recreate that family dynamic. Instead of getting away from needy people (even healthy needy people), they will draw them closer.
Many children who deal with immature parents will end up putting themselves on the lowest priority rank possible with both their parents and others. If they’re in a relationship, they may “silently martyr” themselves because they assume that’s what they’re supposed to do.
Consistently prioritizing others' needs over your own and feeling like your own needs are always last can be a sign of being raised by emotionally immature parents who may have struggled to meet your emotional needs. A 2016 Malaysian study found that without proper emotional modeling, children may find it challenging to manage their emotions, potentially swinging between extremes of repression or becoming overwhelmed.
6. They walk on eggshells so much, people often think they're inauthentic
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Though this can happen for a wide range of reasons, children of emotionally immature parents are often mavericks at calming down volatile people. They're even better at not setting them off in the first place.
If you’ve seen one in action, you know it’s almost uncanny how they know exactly what to say and do when someone gets heated. You might think they became professional negotiators, but they didn’t.
This is a holdover from living with a parent who never learned to control their emotions. Being in a household with a “loose cannon” parent means you learn to walk on eggshells. This habit can be really hard to break, which is why sometimes these people read as a bit authentic as adults.
They don't intend to be fake or to fool anyone. In fact, they don't even realize they're doing it. Psychotherapist Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson explained that these learned behaviors can significantly impact adult relationships, leading to difficulty expressing emotions, setting boundaries, and forming healthy attachments.
7. They are hyper-attentive parents or choose not to have kids at all
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Most people I’ve met who came from emotionally neglectful or immature parents are adamant that they don’t want to raise kids in a similar environment. They want to break the cycle altogether.
This often means they can easily become hyper-attentive, loving parents. Sometimes this looks like helicopter parenting or being overly sensitive to their kids' feelings. Other times that looks like deciding not to have any kids at all.
In many cases, emotionally immature parents also choose to break the cycle by limiting contact with those who repeat those same cycles. This is often very healthy, as long as it's done with awareness that it won't solve the hurt inside of the person whose parents were immature, but it could stop future unhealthy interactions.
Recognizing patterns of emotional immaturity and actively seeking to break them demonstrates a level of self-awareness and a desire for healthy emotional functioning, which is a sign of emotional maturity.
With time, therapy, and a bit of self-help, it’s possible to overcome the aftereffects of life with an emotionally immature parent. That’s the great thing about adulthood: you have a lot more control over what you do and how you handle things.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
