Kids Raised In The 60s, 70s And 80s Heard 6 Shame-Inducing Phrases Gen-Z Would Never Tolerate
Yellow Garnet Photography Not everything that's old-fashioned is bad, despite what younger generations may think. However, we often realize something is outdated because we have found a better, more efficient way of doing things.
Outdated parenting can also include behaviors and phrases that we've learned are cruel or unproductive. Maybe the parents were just following the ways of the times or doing what their parents did, but Gen Z refuses to accept these phrases and likely won't be using them with their own kids.
Kids raised in the 60s, 70s and 80s heard these shame-inducing phrases Gen-Z would never tolerate:
1. 'You have no reason to be scared'
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Looking back on her childhood, family coach Renee Jain shared that she wishes she could have said, "Daddy, remember the first time you asked Mommy out on a date? Remember your first day at a new job? Or remember the time when you got in that bike accident? Maybe your parents knew everything was going to be OK, too, but you didn't know that. You experienced real fear. My fear is real too."
Anxiety initiates a fear alarm inside your child's mind and body. It's a false alarm, but it feels very real. That alarm is for protection, and your child feels stress or fear in order to survive. To make sure one is paying attention, the mind might even exaggerate the object of the worry (e.g., mistaking a stick for a snake).
Undermining their fear means dulling this reaction and their internal alarm system, which is a terrible idea. Instead of asking kids to ignore their fears, parents should help them process their fears and face them.
Try this: Validate your child's emotions. You can say, "I see that you're scared. I've been scared before too, and I know what that feels like."
2. 'You're too sensitive'
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Depending on the situation, therapist Gloria Brame knows it may be narcissistic gaslighting if your parents say something hurtful and then act surprised or angry if you cry or get upset. They act as if being sensitive is a bad thing! They shrug off their accountability for saying something mean. They blame the hurt party for reacting to nasty comments.
The phrase is also considered negative because it implies there is something bad about having deep feelings, particularly feelings your parents disapprove of. There is no such thing as too sensitive.
We now know it's normal for some people to be more sensitive than others, and criticizing them for it is a form of parental abuse that negates a child's fundamental right to be themselves.
Also, yet again, it conditions kids to ignore their own feelings and internal warning signs.
Fortunately, Gen Z knows how bad this phrase is and pretty much refuses to repeat it with their own kids. People raised in the 60s, 70s and 80s may have been raised to believe their sensitiveity is bad, but Gen Z isn't going to stand for it.
3. 'Clean your plate'
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When baby boomers and Gen X were growing up, they were taught that not eating every bite of food on the plate you were served was not just rude, it was wasteful. They were often told that there were starving children in other places they were disrespecting by not eating well past feeling full.
This doesn’t save food but it does help create unhealthy eating habits, advises certified intuitive eating counselor Lisa Newman, Parents are far better off helping children gauge how much food to serve themselves based on their hunger cues while knowing there is enough for second servings if wanted. It is better to occasionally throw out food that turns out to be too much rather than forcing children to eat more than they need.
4. 'My way or the highway'
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This reflects authoritarian parenting which is based on power and lacks empathy, warns clinical psychologist Sharon Saline. Being perfect as a parent is a myth that is unachievable and toxic to self-worth.
Perfectionists tend to focus on the result, rather than the process of getting there. They discount the learning that’s happening and fixate on the end goal or the accomplishment. Offer your support, your availability for a conversation, or your willingness to do something of their choice.
While people who were kids in the 60s, 70s and 80s were raised under the idea that authoritarian parenting was the best way to raise obedient kids, further research has shown that it doesn't work out that way at all. In reality, a balanced approach that prioritizes connection within a framework designed to give structure and create safety, called authoritative parenting, helps kids achieve the best outcomes far more often than authoritarian does.
Loving them, letting them figure certain things out, and asking for your opinion are more effective for building self-esteem and self-confidence than telling them what to do.
5. 'Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about'
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Counselor Larry Michel has seen how this phrase taught children that expressing emotions is dangerous and could lead to more punishment. Over time, it can cause emotional repression and difficulty processing feelings in adulthood.
This isn't exactly a hard sell for Gen Z to obliterate from parental language. After all, it's a very clear threat of violence, and it's objectively very clear now that corporal punishment, including spanking children, does significant harm compared to non-violent forms of discipline.
6. 'I'm so disappointed in you'
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When it comes to raising kids, counselor Claire Waismann knows there are a lot of things that parents should never say. For example, phrases like "I'm so disappointed in you" or "You're such a burden" can do tremendous damage to a child's self-esteem.
Instead, try to use phrases that will encourage your child and help them to feel good about themselves. For instance, you might say something like "I know you're trying your best" or "I'm proud of you for (fill in the blank)."
Of course, every child is different, so it's important to tailor your words to fit your individual child's needs. But by using positive language, you can help your child to feel valued and loved, which is one of the most important things any parent can do.
Gen Z, fortunately, knows all of this well and is, in general, committed to parenting this way compared to the shame-based methods of the past.
Will Curtis is YourTango's expert editor. Will has over 14 years of experience as an editor covering relationships, spirituality, and human interest topics.
