How To Do Less For Your Kids: 3 Things That Help Anxious Parents Hover Less
Kelly Sikkema | Unsplash Parents ask this question all the time: "I can see my kid struggling, so how do I help without enabling them?" It's a fair concern. Most parents swing between two extremes. Some push too hard, convinced they know what’s best, and end up frustrated when their child resists or shuts down. Others step in too much, trying to remove obstacles, only to realize they've taken over in ways that don't actually help their child grow.
The real goal sits in the middle. You want to support your child through what's hard while still building independence at a pace that makes sense for them. That balance starts with realistic expectations and a willingness to step back without checking out. If you're an anxious parent who wants to hover less but still show up in meaningful ways, certain things can help you do exactly that.
Here are 3 things that help anxious parents hover less:
1. Stop getting stuck on what your child "should" be able to do
Everywhere we look, there are books and resources, teachers, and well-meaning family members telling us what our kids "should" be able to do. If we make our decisions based on what we think they should be able to do, rather than what they can do, life will be stressful — for your child and for you.
I work with parents of “complex” kids, and those kids are often 3-5 years behind their peers in some areas of development. That's an important reality to consider when setting expectations. So listen to "expert advice" with an open mind, and then make your own decisions rooted in the context of your child’s development. My best decisions always balance my knowledge, my emotions, and my intuition about the situation.
Kids with higher emotional intelligence are way better at paying attention, more engaged in school, have more positive relationships, and are more empathic overall, research has revealed. The amazing thing is that emotional intelligence totally develops with practice, so when you do emotional check-ins throughout the day and make talking about feelings as normal as asking about school, you're basically giving your kids repeated practice that builds their emotional skills over time.
2. Meet your kids exactly where they are, then build from there
The goal here is to figure out what your kids can do comfortably and consistently, and then raise the bar from there. Children don’t come “one size fits all” — and it takes a bit of detective work to figure out what the right level is for each unique child.
Imagine your children climbing the stairs toward independence. Instead of standing on the stair where you think he should be and trying to “drag him up,” walk down to the step where you think he truly is currently, and then help him map out a plan to progress to the next step.
For example, if your child doesn’t remember to brush his teeth on his own, but can comfortably do it when you remind him, that is the step he is on. If you choose to take aim at this issue, the next step might be to help him develop his own structure or reminder system that could replace you in the process.
Researchers identified the concept called the zone of proximal development, which shows that kids learn best when you assess exactly where they are and then provide just enough help to reach the next step. By meeting your child where they are instead of trying to push them to a level you think they should be at, they can build on what they already know without becoming overly frustrated by tasks that are too difficult for them.
3. Let go of the fear driving the hovering
Most of the time, your frustration with your child is based on some underlying fear …. If he can’t remember to brush his teeth, how will he ever get up and go to work every day? If he can’t finish his homework without a battle, how will he be able to get into the college of his choice?
Our kids all have their own trajectory. Trust that developing independence happens step by step. Stay on your child’s current step, instead of worrying about what might happen 10 years from now! When to help ... and when not to.
So the other side of this is knowing when to help your children, and when to back off and let them figure it out for themselves. There's never one clear, fail-safe answer on this. It also depends on your child’s age and maturity.
Natalie Maro / Shutterstock
Your child's age can be a helpful guide for knowing when to step in and when to hover less:
Early Independence (Elementary Age)
A parent’s role is directing a child's work and motivating the effort. You may often have to tell your kids what they should be doing and help them stay motivated to get it done.
Building Independence (Middle School Age)
This is a major stage of transition. The goal here is to support your child while maintaining a balance of not enabling. The distinction I like to make is that if you are doing something “for” them, it could be enabling. If you are doing something with them and/or in support of their role, you are more likely to be supporting.
Practicing Independence (High School Age)
The role of the parent at this level is to continue to foster independence. Consistently ask yourself how you can help your child “own” more of a given situation. Also, keep in mind, it’s a gradual process, and your child might not just wake up the first day of 9th grade ready to do it all on his own. Even if he thinks he can!
Independent With Support (College Age)
Ah, that time when our kids are living on their own … Complete freedom, yes? Unfortunately, perhaps not! The parents’ role here continues to be to help your (adult) child “own” her life (and the challenges that come with it) as much as possible. While, at the same time, making sure they know you have their back — at least emotionally — if struggles arise. The point is, it’s their life, but as parents, we will likely always struggle to manage how much or how little to get involved.
When parents are constantly worrying and stressing about everyday stuff, their kids pick up on it and start seeing those same situations as threats and developing their own anxiety about everything. Research showed that anxious parents actually pass their worries to their kids by modeling fearful behaviors and constantly sharing their stressed thoughts. So, when you're panicking about whether your child will get into college in 10 years instead of focusing on today, you're really hindering their ability to learn independence.
It's a frustrating conundrum to know how much to lean in or butt out. Made all the more challenging because kids are rarely consistent ... needing more help one moment, and far less the next. There is no easy or 100 percent "right" answer, but hopefully I've given you some direction.
Know that it’s a process, and focus on what you truly want for your child — to support them and help them move toward independence. And don’t forget that other goal we often overlook — enjoy your child! They are only with you for a limited time.
Elaine Taylor-Klaus and Diane Dempster, founders of ImpactADHD®, teach/write about practical strategies for parents of complex kids with ADHD and related challenges.
