4 Ways To Heal The Parts Of You That Weren't Properly Supported By Your Mom Growing Up
Alexey Demidov | Canva "Walk a mile in my shoes" can be the beginning of understanding and healing what's often called the mother wound. The mother wound develops when a child experiences emotional abandonment from their mom, even if she was physically present. This kind of emotional neglect can happen for many reasons, including addiction, depression, overwork, or simply being emotionally exhausted by life circumstances.
In my case, emotional abandonment came from being near the end of eight children born over 20 years. By the time I arrived, my mother was tired, stretched thin, and emotionally spent. I grew up hearing stories from my older siblings about holidays filled with energy and attention, moments I never experienced myself. It wasn't until decades later that I could truly understand her reality, and that understanding became the doorway to healing.
The 4 ways to heal the parts of you that weren't properly supported by your mom growing up:
1. Learn who your mother really was, not who you needed her to be
Learn about your mother’s history. What was her experience, her story? Did she experience a mother wound herself?
The more I learned about my mother, the more compassion I had for her. Her own mother was absent while she worked alongside my grandfather six days a week for long hours. As the oldest in her family, she was the responsible one, doing her duty for her seven younger siblings.
2. Practice forgiveness in small, honest steps
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
When you forgive your mom, the negative emotions you are holding onto will begin to dissipate and be replaced with empathy. Forgiveness is an act of the will. Practicing it will strengthen your inner resolve. Forgive little bits at a time. Whenever a feeling of sadness, disappointment, or anger comes over you, think of how you can practice forgiveness.
"There are many reasons not to forgive someone who did you wrong, but they usually come from the same place — control," explained life coach Ellen Kamaras. "See, withholding forgiveness allows you a sense of control over what happened. As long as you're hanging onto it, it feels like it's yours. The problem is that this is a false sense of control. What happened to you is in the past. You cannot change what happened; you can only change how you relate to it now. "
3. Compare where your mother was in life to where you are now
Part of my healing process is to think about my age and what my mother was doing when she was that age. When my mother was my current age, she was sending my younger sister off to college, I was having my first baby, my other siblings were having their first babies, and she was at the beginning stage of grand-motherhood.
Right now, I have 16 grandchildren, the oldest of whom is 11. And I can’t imagine having to deal with another college-era child right now.
Relationship coach Jennifer Twardowski elaborated, "When people put themselves in another person's position, they're more likely to feel empathy and develop a better understanding between them. Allow yourself to really step outside of yourself and look at the situation from the other person's point of view. If that is too challenging, focus on looking at the situation from an objective bird’s eye point of view."
4. Break the cycle by choosing presence and awareness
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A via Shutterstock
If you are a parent yourself, you may want to — and can — break the cycle. Ask yourself:
- Am I fully present with my children?
- Am I making choices that promote healing and understanding?
- Am I modeling grace toward my mother that I hope my children have toward me?
While I hope I will be better and do better, I know I am not perfect. Will my children understand me, forgive me, and will they walk a mile in my shoes? Will they continue the effort of breaking the cycle of dysfunction? Will they be gracious to me? One can only hope!
Joan Nosal has been coaching for 30 years, specializing in the area of transitions and relationships. She founded T.R.I Life LLC in 1999 and has conducted workshops and trainings all over the United States.
