9 Habits Sons Pick Up From Their Dads That Quietly Hurt Them In Adulthood
Jacob Lund | Canva Boys do not listen to their fathers. They probably don't listen to their mothers, either. That's just one reason why what you say matters 1% as much as what you do. Male behavior is the message — a phrase expressed by doing rather than saying anything.
Remember, guys, we are all human. Even the best fathers on the planet do things they shouldn’t do at some point. It seems to me that it’s just a matter of doing them less. Bad behavior is like a pendulum.
Without awareness, it swings wildly out of control, damaging your son. You can gradually slow the swing with awareness until it’s almost still, but it will never come to a complete stop. By doing these things less, you will lead by example and show your son courage, love, and service. Ask for help from other dads if you need support, too.
Here are 9 habits sons pick up from their dads that quietly hurt them in adulthood:
1. Being silent
As fathers, the most painful thing we can do is ignore our sons — to retreat into ourselves and not see the amazing child right in front of us. Make physical contact with your son if you can. I first really saw my son while I was feeding him a bottle and could feel his heartbeat next to mine. As I sang to him, I was not silent. I felt God in my arms.
A recent study found that a father's positive engagement, as well as warmth and responsiveness, contributed significantly to a child's social-emotional competence both currently and over time. When fathers are emotionally available and involved in early childhood, children develop better emotion regulation skills that help prevent mental health problems later.
2. Looking at their phone
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We all get sucked into work, social media, and electronics from time to time. When you are with your boy, be present. Try not to sit at the dinner table looking at your phone. When they follow your lead and do the same, an opportunity for connection will be lost. Put the phone away and ask him questions. Be curious and his day and tell him all about yours.
3. Putting their work first
As men, we are programmed to be workaholics — to believe that by making money, we are loving our sons. Men who work so hard they never see their boys are crushing their sons’ souls, even if it's the opposite of their intent.
Your time with your son is limited and precious, so treat it that way. Blow off work and don’t bring it home physically or mentally. Give your son quality time all the time you're together.
A study examining Japanese families found that fathers' workaholism increased family conflict, which in turn negatively impacted a child's happiness. The research showed that when fathers prioritize work over family time, it creates a spillover effect that harms both the father's well-being and the child's development.
4. Showing arrogance
As men, the ego is our enemy because it causes us suffering. By playing ‘big shot’ in front of our boys, we model that success is the answer, that we think we are God, and that we have no perspective on life.
Show and model humility and service. Be vulnerable, and admit when you mess up, even to your kid. Show him that as a strong man, you don’t need the armor of arrogance. A strong man is kind, imperfect, compassionate, and works for others.
5. Getting angry and showing rage
We all feel anger, have disagreements, and life does not always go our way. How do you deal with the people you disagree with, especially when it’s your child’s mother? Do you always treat women with respect? Can you navigate disagreements calmly, expressing your point of view and feelings, and then listening to what the other person has to say?
When we feel the rage coming on, do we walk away to calm down, pray, or talk to a trusted friend? Can we experience negative emotions without letting them take us over and hijack our body into a state of rage or even violence? Do we model constructive ways to deal with conflict?
Parents who have difficulty managing their anger often engage in conflict with their children, who then model poor conflict resolution strategies, research suggests. Adolescents learn how to handle disagreements by watching their parents, so fathers who demonstrate calm problem-solving teach their sons healthier ways to navigate conflict.
6. Prioritizing money over all else
We live in a society that values money above all else and where male “success” is narrowly defined. Both are false gods. Suppose we are buying fancy cars and glorying in whatever money we have, exerting the power of a big job, and allowing our egos to run rampant.
In that case, we are underscoring this dangerous message for our son. Do we model humility? Do we emphasize the trap of materialism? Do we talk about great men of ideas, sacrifice, and courage?
7. Being too busy to serve
It’s easy to feel like there is no time to help anyone else when we are all drowning in our own lives. But our sons are watching. Where does service to others land on our list of priorities? Ultimately, love and service are the keys to happiness—human connection and living for others, not self. It is never too early to model that for your son.
Research shows that when 16-month-olds observed adults being helpful, nearly half of the children helped others themselves, whereas only a few children helped after having observed adults not helping. Children learn kind behaviors by watching their parents model helping and caring actions in everyday life.
When you coach his team, how do you treat his teammates? How do you ask them to treat each other? Do you mentor young men? Do you and your son serve others together? Does he see how much you care about helping people? It is truly enlightened self-interest to be of service, not drudgery. But he won’t know that unless you show him.
8. Shying away from adventure
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The goal should always be to live a small, humble life with massive ripples that spread out into the world. This involves the constant spirit of adventure.
Doing cool things, getting out of your comfort zone, and doing it all with your son. This could mean reading books out loud about faraway places, going to remote locations, exploring the tough neighborhoods nearby, or going on a service trip to a third-world country.
What you do with your son doesn’t have to be materially big or egotistical. Being adventurous simply means modeling and leading with a big heart, willing to step out of everyday life to explore the unknown. Be curious, observe, ask questions, and see the world in all its glory.
9. Being emotionally closed off
So many men walk around with their emotions locked away in the safe inside their souls. This disease is literally killing us as men. It impacts our young men most profoundly, with the highest rates of suicide, death by overdose (OD), and terrible academic and life outcomes. To break the cycle, we have to be willing to be vulnerable emotionally and allow our sons to see what that looks like, and to understand that it's okay. It is the single most important thing on this list.
Say how we feel. When we are sad, we can cry. When we are happy, show exuberance. When something is tough, don’t pretend it is not. Model having close, loving friendships with other men. Include your son in that circle. Better yet, create a ritual around their participation.
Children are better regulated emotionally and more resilient when their fathers are involved in their emotional education and socialization, research on fatherhood shows. Boys in particular often mirror the emotional habits and values of their own fathers, so dads who model emotional openness help their sons develop healthier emotional expression.
Positive masculinity is a force for good in the world. Make it clear that you want them to join the club. If you have spiritual mentors in your life, talk about them. Introduce your son to them. Never, ever let your son feel alone or isolated or like he does not belong to the brotherhood of manhood or that vulnerability is weak. It is the ultimate superpower.
Tom Matlack is an American entrepreneur, venture capitalist, author, and mentor. In 2009, he founded The Good Men Project.
