Kids Who Grew Up Having To Keep The Peace Usually Develop 9 Habits They Don’t Even Notice As Adults
Maliutina Anna / Shutterstock Growing up in an environment that’s full of conflict has a huge effect on kids. Sometimes when they grow up, they try to control how everyone feels because they think it will make things better.
That takes a heavy toll that doesn’t lift as they go through life. Instead, they end up developing habits that they didn’t really know they had that impact the rest of their lives.
Kids who had to keep the peace in the home when they were growing up often develop these habits as adults, even if they don't notice
1. They never talk about what’s bothering them
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As someone trained to be a peacekeeper from such a young age, these people become experts at suppressing their emotions. Even when there really is an issue they should talk about, they never bring it up because they don’t want to upset anyone.
It’s tempting to push aside emotions that feel uncomfortable or difficult, but it stresses people out so much that it starts to change their physical health. Emotions need to be processed, even if someone might overreact to them.
2. They try to soften the things they say
There are certain situations where it’s a good idea to soften the blow of the message you’re delivering, like when ending a relationship or when dealing with a problem at work. Some people do this all the time, though, just to try to spare others’ feelings.
It seems like a nice thing to do, but throwing in things like maybe or just checking makes people sound less serious. There’s no need for someone to say that if they don’t mean it, but it feels safe when they’re used to keeping everyone happy.
3. They always give but never take
People who try to keep the peace are super helpful. They’re willing to do pretty much anything for anyone, even if it’s inconvenient for them, because they see it as a way to avoid conflict.
But when someone tries to reciprocate that help, they never accept it. They’re worried about feeling like a burden, which they learned to avoid when they were young. People can’t stay happy if they cause a problem, so they never give themselves a chance.
4. They apologize to smooth things over
Some people seem to say “I’m sorry” almost as often as they breathe. That’s a pretty good indication that they have always tried to keep the peace. They apologize even when it’s not needed, just in case whatever they say upsets someone.
Unfortunately, instead of making people feel more at ease, this actually makes people uncomfortable because it shows someone’s self-esteem is almost nonexistent. It’s sure to backfire every time, even though it gives them a greater sense of security.
5. They use humor as a tool
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There’s a fine line between using humor to make an awkward situation feel more comfortable and relying on humor to avoid the emotions you don’t want to feel. Kids who had to keep the peace when they were growing up usually fall into the second group.
This is not just another way for them to suppress their own emotions, but also an attempt at suppressing other people's feelings for them. They’re trying to make any negativity disappear with a joke, which rarely has the desired effect.
6. They can read a room quickly
When people go through emotional trauma, it’s pretty common for them to start monitoring everyone’s emotions and trying to pick up on the general vibe in a room to react in the best way possible. Feeling the need to keep the peace as a kid could definitely qualify as trauma.
Someone might be able to pass off their uncanny ability to read a room as extreme emotional intelligence, but it’s really just a coping mechanism. They think identifying people’s moods is the key to keeping them happy, even if it leaves them totally exhausted.
7. They don’t try to work through problems
It’s easy to confuse resolving conflict with shutting it down. Coming to a resolution strengthens relationships, but the process can feel so uncomfortable that people avoid it altogether.
This wouldn’t be surprising for someone who grew up trying to fix every conflict. When people don’t get along, it sets off warning bells in their head that tell them to fix everything as quickly as possible. But that’s not productive and causes more problems in the long run.
8. They agree without thinking about it
Disagreements are usually caused by super basic things that we could all work through pretty easily if we stopped to think about it. But since most people want to prove themselves right, we get into arguments about things that don’t matter at all.
This doesn’t apply to people who tried to be peacemakers while growing up. Whether a disagreement is big or small, they’ll pretend it doesn’t exist. They agree with people automatically so tension doesn’t escalate, whether they want to or not.
9. They think about conversations before and after they happen
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When someone feels responsible for keeping everyone else happy, they’re going to deal with the two-sided issue of rehearsing and replaying conversations. This is a thought process known as rumination that people with anxious minds turn to so they feel more in control.
It’s not always a bad thing to think about what you'll say before a conversation or to reflect on what you did say, but it takes a ton of energy and can make social interactions awkward. Even if it feels like it’s helping, it’s not.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
