Grandma Asks If It Would Be Wrong To ‘Instill Just A Tiny Bit Of Shame’ In Her Grandson
That's neither your place nor an appropriate thing to ask, Grandma.
MAYA LAB | Shutterstock | Canva Pro At this point, we know so much about what and what not to do when it comes to parenting that it seems downright bizarre when someone is out of the loop. Shame and boundaries are probably at the top of this list these days.
You can't swing a cat online anymore without hearing something about the toxicity of shame and the importance of boundaries. Somehow, though, those lessons seem to have completely missed one grandma online. She seems to think it's her job to parent, and we all know what happens when a grandparent takes on any role other than a spoiling cookie distributor.
A grandma thinks her son-in-law is too 'open-minded' and wants to instill shame in her grandson.
The grandmother wrote into Slate's "Care and Feeding" parenting advice column, which has become something of a repository for the most "ABSOLUTELY NOT ARE YOU KIDDING" questions about parenting on the internet. This grandma's query kind of takes the cake.
She has a 2-year-old grandson named Clay who, in her words, "has reached the phase where he is exploring his body." But the fact that he apparently hasn't been taught that his body is a filthy, sinful den of iniquity that should be hidden from view at all costs has her really in her feelings.
Tima Miroshnichenko | Pexels
She is 'mortified' by how open her grandson is about his body.
"They are rather open-minded," the grandma wrote of her daughter and son-in-law, explaining that they have taught their grandson "to use the proper anatomical terms" for his body.
Oh my goodness! Calling body parts what they are, like a filthy fiend, instead of using infantilizing euphemisms?! What should we do?! Go to the police? Call an old priest and a young priest?!
"The problem is that my grandson isn’t at all shy about telling everyone he meets about where and what his private parts are and do," she went on to say. Which is a pretty easy problem to solve: You simply tell the kid that there is a time and a place for things. But grandma is clearly from that generational cohort that simply cannot resist an opportunity to turn a simple problem into a mechanism of trauma and conflict. Be normal about an issue? Why, that's millennial and Gen Z nonsense, and she'll have none of it!
"Each time Clay has launched into these vivid descriptions when I have taken him somewhere, it has been a profoundly mortifying experience for me," she wrote. "Would it be appropriate for me to instill just a tiny bit of shame in him so that he stops doing this?" No, ma'am! It wouldn't! On multiple levels!
Shame is toxic and damaging, and teaching it to her grandson is not her place.
"Care and Feeding" columnist Allison Price did admirable work of being kind and patient with this woman, but I've got a Scorpio stellium, so I'm going to be blunt instead: This entire thing is insane.
There are reams of research into the psychological damage shame inflicts on a child, and none of it is new knowledge. But more importantly, shaming them specifically about their bodies and reproductive organs isn't just damaging. It's dangerous.
Teaching kids euphemisms instead of actual body part names instills in them that these body parts are to be kept secret, which makes them more likely to not ask for help when they are targeted by a predator or, god forbid, actually abused. Experts say this actually raises the risk of being abused, in fact.
Feyza Yıldırım | Pexels
Then there's the unmitigated audacity: In what world is it appropriate for a grandmother to take it upon herself to reorient her child's parenting? I know most people of a certain age would rather run headlong into oncoming traffic than have a sincere conversation with their adult child, but is it really that hard to simply say, "Hey I've noticed Clay is very graphic about his body in public, he might need some guidance about how to talk about this outside the home"?
As "Care and Feeding's" Allison Price put it, "Based on what you’ve said about how Clay was raised, the parents’ refrain will probably go something like this: 'Yep, bodies are awesome! But, we don’t talk about private parts with strangers. Not everyone enjoys talking about bodies.'"
There! Problem sorted! You don't need to make a kid feel ashamed of himself in order to teach him boundaries. You simply need to be willing to have an empathetic and open conversation about it. It's human nature to overcomplicate things, but it really couldn't be easier, and grandma might even learn a thing or two herself in the process.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
