Grandfather Asks If He’s Wrong For Wanting To Spend Time With One Grandson While Excluding The Other
We all suspect parents have a favorite. So do grandparents, apparently.
freemixer | Getty Images Signature | Canva Pro Every parent says they love their children equally, but most of us suspect at one time or another that our moms and dads had a favorite. And it seems the same may be true of grandma and grandpa. For one grandfather online, he's shown so much favoritism that his own son has confronted him about it and asked him to do better. But he's not sure he actually can, given the circumstances.
A grandfather admits to favoring one of his grandsons over the other.
The grandpa is so distraught over his grandparenting debacle, he wrote into Slate's "Care and Feeding" marriage and parenting advice column to get some insight about what to do. His situation contains layers that many of us would find difficult to navigate, especially given that his son has not been a particularly good father to the grandpa's favorite grandchild.
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He describes his son as a "part-time" father to the grandson he has shown such devotion to. But now his son has gotten remarried to a woman with a son of her own, and the dynamic has changed in ways he's definitely uncomfortable with and not sure he can manage.
The grandpa's son is demanding that he have the same relationship with his stepson.
"My son recently got married and bought a home with a young woman who is several years younger than him, and who has a child with special needs," the grandpa wrote. "My issue is that now, my son has unreasonable expectations about how I should treat both children."
He explained that he only met his new daughter-in-law and her son a couple of times before the wedding, and he doesn't really even know them all that well. Nevertheless, his son "expects me to have the same kind of relationship with his stepson as I do with my grandson — a child I’ve known for six years."
He added that the child's special needs have made it difficult to get to know him well, and that while he "cares a lot about this little boy," it just doesn't feel the same. Now that his new wife is pregnant, the son is threatening to take away access to the new grandchild if he doesn't start treating the two boys equally.
He's even resorted to going through his son's ex to spend time with his grandson to avoid his son "forcing this new little boy on me." He's especially resentful because his grandson, who's already been a bit neglected by his dad, seems to feel like he's in his stepbrother's shadow now that his dad is remarried.
His feelings are understandable; the kids' needs should come first, including the stepson's.
This is definitely a sticky situation, because it sounds very much like his grandson's dad has not risen to the occasion of fathering him. Now, he's being neglected even more, and that's surely all the more infuriating.
But the new boy's life has been dramatically altered too by the new marriage. And, like it or not, this is what being part of a blended family is: You need to embrace it for the good of all of the children involved, who have no say in the matter. That's the right, caring, adult thing to do.
And this grandpa has made it pretty obvious that he has a lot of negative feelings about this situation; he's projecting onto the new boy. The irrelevant details included, like the age difference between his son and his new wife, and the kid's "special needs," suggest he doesn't approve of this union and doesn't want to be bothered with it.
Which is understandable, but only to a point. Because again, we're talking about children here who have no autonomy and need adults to do right by them. And there's a sort of bracing similarity between his feelings toward the step-grandchild and his own son's negligent approach toward his child. You get the impression that the dad resents his ex and hence has neglected his son because of it. Is that really that different from what this grandpa is doing with the stepson?
Yes, there's no genetic link, and yes, his grandson was there first, and there's certainly nothing wrong with maintaining that relationship. But including the stepson is the right thing to do, even if it feels unfair. Part of being an adult, or a stable one, at least, is putting kids' needs first, especially when they're in vulnerable situations.
The dynamics here are definitely wacked. The son's use of access to his kids as a bargaining chip to get what he wants is a key example. But as irritating as it may be, the right thing to do here is to be the bigger person and include the stepson, even if it isn't necessarily the fair thing.
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
