6 Experiences A Childhood Trauma Therapist Wishes She Could Give Every Survivor
For those of us who personally, totally get it, this list of experiences we missed out will probably hit deep.
Yan Krukau / Pexels Our childhood can make or break us — and nobody knows this better than Morgan Pommells. Pommells is a childhood trauma therapist who made waves this past summer when she shared 12 things she was begging parents to stop doing.
Recently, she shared another deeply relatable list. This time, Pommells detailed six experiences she wishes she could gift every childhood trauma survivor.
Sometimes trauma isn't about what happened — it's about what didn't.
When we think of childhood trauma we probably imagine a child who has experienced unimaginable abuse throughout their life. And yes, that's one form of childhood trauma.
However, there is another form of trauma not as widely recognized — the trauma of what didn't happen.
“Trauma of omission is where something didn’t happen. It’s the loss of not receiving basic human needs; the loss of comfort, physical touch, support, consistency, honesty or warmth," says Integrative Psychotherapy. And though this may not seem "as bad" as what we traditionally think of as trauma, don't underestimate the impact lack can have on children.
And for those of us who don't need this explained because we personally, totally get it — this list will probably hit deep.
6 Experiences A Childhood Trauma Therapist Wishes She Could Give Every Survivor Of Childhood Trauma
1. An "obnoxious" dad who is just so excited and proud of you.
Pommells begins by wishing that childhood trauma survivors experienced living with an over-the-top, sometimes cringe-inducing dad “with a video camera who enthusiastically captures your very first steps on home video and insists on showing everyone (who never once asked) the proud footage.”
Those who grew up with two emotionally healthy parents, may find this confusing. After all, having an "annoying dad" is, well, annoying. But what you may take for granted, another child would certainly treasure. Many children would treasure having a father who cares that much in their life.
According to the United States Census Bureau, 20.2% of father's of minor children (about 7 million) are absent from all of their children's lives.
The Minnesota Psychological Association states, “Coming from a fatherless home can contribute to a child having more emotional problems, such as anxiety and depression,” adding that children who come from fatherless homes tend to think they are less worthy than children who come from two-parent households.
As you can imagine, all of this can greatly impact a child's self-confidence, which, in turn, can affect the overall trajectory of their life... just like an obnoxious dad who loves unconditionally (even if he tells too many dad jokes) can affect the overall trajectory of a child's life for the better.
2. A mom who listens to your complaints about her — and even apologizes.
Pommells continues by expressing her desire to give childhood trauma survivors an empathetic mother "who lovingly replies ‘tell me more’ when you tearfully tell her that the comments she made about your weight last Thanksgiving hurt your feelings. She follows this up with a tight hug and an ‘I am so sorry, sweetheart.' She even promises to never do it again.”
Most of us know firsthand how comments about our bodies can greatly impact the way we view ourselves.
The authors of a 2021 study on the prevalence of parents comments about their sons' and daughters' weight, shape, and eating note, “It is known that parental comments about weight, shape, and eating can have negative associations with adolescents such as weight gain, binge eating and unhealthy weight control behaviors and mental health such as shame, depression, and weight bias internalization.”
3. Parents who let you sleep in sometimes.
The gift of sleep is another wish on Pommell's list. More specifically, “Parents who let you sleep in at least one day a week, sometimes even telling others to kindly keep it down as they want to make sure you get a good night’s rest after a long week of school.”
Let's not underestimate the amount of work children put in at school and extracurriculars, especially in the teen years when they don't often get the luxury of naptime anymore.
According to licensed therapist Laura Harris and writer Delaney Hammond, “While school can cause stress across all years, high school is considered by some to be an extremely stressful period. This is because it is a time of great developmental and social change, which, on top of the regular demands of school, can be quite difficult to navigate."
Responding to a poll conducted by NPR, the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, and the Harvard School of Public Health, 40% of parents stated that their high school children experience a significant amount of stress from school. And we know that sleep can go a long way in reducing cortisol levels and decreasing stress.
4. A perceptive teacher who pays attention to your needs.
Pomells stresses the importance of a "teacher who notices your attitude is off but instead of sending you to detention, they pull you out of class to gently ask what’s going on at home. They go on to offer you a juice box and granola bar when you tell them that you were not trying to have an attitude, it’s just hard to concentrate when you are so hungry.”
This wish is crucial given the reality too many school-age kids face today.
According to Feeding America, “More than 13 million children faced hunger in 2022.” Studies have found that "child hunger may be related to depression later in life as a result of nutritional deprivation," and "food insecurity [may] be linked with higher rates of a wide range of adolescent mood, behaviour and substance abuse disorders."
5. A father (or father figure) who shows up.
Yes, a wish for a dad is already on this list, but many who had a dad present at home from time to time still couldn't count on seeing his face in the auditorium at awards banquets or ballet recitals — and showing up at those places really matters to kids.
Pommells wishes for, "A father who made a point of attending the Father’s Day brunch at school. He sits with you in the cafeteria and listens to you enthusiastically share about your art project. You can feel that he is genuinely interested and proud. He stays for the whole time... As children, all we want is to feel seen and heard. We want our parents to show up for us and show us just how proud they are."
Students with more supportive parents are 81% more likely to graduate high school. Unfortunately, a study of 14,000 children in the US found that 40% "lack strong emotional bonds — what psychologists call 'secure attachment' — with their parents that are crucial to success later in life."
6. A typical birthday party.
The final experience Pommells wishes to give to childhood trauma survivors is a birthday party. But hold up — not just any birthday party.
Pommells writes, “A typical middle-class birthday party, decorated with a theme of your choice. When your parents hand you their present to unwrap, you quickly realize it’s the one thing you wanted, even though they did a great job at convincing you that you weren’t going to get it. You gasp with joy, and not a single remark is made about how spoiled or selfish you are for wanting an entire day dedicated to just celebrating you.”
Why did a birthday party make the list? We suspect it's about the power of positive memories.
According to Meik Wiking, author of The Art of Making Memories, positive memories impact our mental health and can help strengthen our relationships and identity. Even just remembering a positive moment can instantly make you happier and reel back negative thoughts, writes Gina Vild.
So, even though small birthday parties may seem insignificant, they can make a pretty deep impression.
Unfortunately, we cannot go back in time to change history and gift these things to ourselves if we missed out on them, but we can use what we know now to do better for our own children.
By working to create a more safe and supportive environment, and doing what we can to fulfill these wishes for the kids in our lives, we can better prevent childhood trauma.
Marielisa Reyes is a writer with a bachelor's degree in psychology who covers self-help, relationships, career, and family topics.