Divorcing My Husband Was The Hardest Thing I’ve Ever Done — But It Made Me A Better Parent In 13 Unexpected Ways
Olena_T | Canva "I know you can't see it now, but you'll end up appreciating the nights your children are away," my mother said to me when I was divorcing my husband. She was right. I couldn't see it then, but I truly treasure those blocks of time when the kids go to their father.
When you're dissolving a marriage and dividing up your parenting time, it's hard to imagine the silver lining. Decades of research have shown the challenges faced by children of divorce, yet some children are not severely impacted by divorce. So, there's a big silver lining, and it shines bright: For me, divorcing my husband was the most difficult decision I ever made, but it unexpectedly made me a better parent.
Divorcing my husband was the hardest thing I’ve ever done — but it made me a better parent in 13 unexpected ways:
1. I stopped giving in to the misery I felt while I was still married to their father
Which didn't make our home a very fun place to be. I yearned for a break, complained about my husband's failings, and felt burdened to have to care for the children by myself. Once we divorced, I realized how precious parenting is, and how fleeting. I decided not to fill the time I have with my children with pettiness, rage, or disappointment.
Family coach Mindi Lampert, M.S., explained, "Many children have expressed their sadness to me about hearing the fights and words their parents have exchanged. They know that their parents are sad and often crying. They feel it best not to share with their parents how they feel or that they've heard what was going on, for fear of making them sadder."
2. I love the breaks
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My children are away from me every Tuesday night and every other weekend. While I use those times to catch up on sleep, see friends, work, and exercise, by the time they come home 24 hours later, I'm refreshed and excited to see them.
Studies of co-parenting after divorce suggested that some of the harmful impacts of divorce on children can be alleviated through good co-parenting practices. The studies found that "Coparenting is a key mechanism within the family system for the prediction of child mental health after marital dissolution."
3. I focus on my kids when I'm with them
I never hire a babysitter because I have built-in date nights with my new husband and weekends to play. Every year, my ex gets two vacation weeks with the kids, giving me plenty of my own travel time, in addition to the longer jaunts he gets sharing holidays and school breaks.
4. I'm a more rested, energized mom, and my kids see the difference
They know I do things for myself — get a pedicure while they're gone, meet up with friends, take a yoga class. This sends a message that parents are people, too, with their interests and desires separate from the kids.
"Don't loosen the rules or boundaries," recommended divorce coach Leslie Petruk. "This is commonly done out of parental guilt, and it creates more worry and angst for your child. Consistency, limits, and boundaries are what help your child feel safe and secure."
5. I don't play the martyr when there's something I want to do
It's a huge guilt-free gift to my kids. This summer, my husband and I learned to row on the Detroit River, and we loved it. Every Tuesday and Thursday night, we headed downtown to get on a boat and paddle against the waves. We brought the kids with us on Thursday nights, with a bag full of board games to keep them occupied while we got our sun-kissed workout on the water.
6. I developed my interests and talents
My kids are along for the ride, so they benefit too. Divorce coach Babita Spinelli advised, "If you’ve lost your confidence in yourself post-divorce, try to get it back by setting small, achievable goals. Maybe relationships aren’t where you want to be putting your energy right now, so investing in something else that can make you feel good about yourself is essential. Whether it's conquering a yoga pose, finding a new growth on your houseplant, or teaching your dog a new trick, it’s surprising how little things can give us a sense of accomplishment."
7. I always make sure my kids come first when they're home
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When they're with me, I'm laser-sharp focused on them. I listen better than I did before the divorce, I make time to be one-on-one with each child, and I plan my schedule around them. I never really need more of a break because divorce builds that in.
"If you are wishy-washy in your communication, it leaves the door wide open for misunderstandings, anger, or resentment," cautioned parenting coach T-Ann Pierce. "However, when you communicate effectively with your kids, your needs as a parent can be met more easily. You empower yourself and can connect more deeply with your child. Plus, effective communication is hugely respectful for the listener, too."
8. I'm sensitized to assessing the character of people around me
The divorce taught me that, as a single mother, I couldn't date just anyone. I surely wouldn't invite a man home because I was lonely. I had three kids to think about and didn't want some strange guy knowing our home. The dating choices I made were more careful than when I was younger. Anyone I linked up with would be linked with my kids, and a new guy would know the kids were my top priority.
9. I wouldn't settle, compromise my standards, or shack up just to have a warm body next to me at night
I had three warm bodies who loved to sleep next to me in bed, so it would have to be someone pretty special to kick my kids back into their rooms. The divorce taught me that a guy was the icing on the cake, and I'm the cake.
"As someone divorced, you’ve likely learned from your mistakes, can spot red flags, and identify your boundaries better," advised dating coach Susan Trombetti. "Take advantage of this. If you're just not feeling a connection with someone or have a bad feeling about them, trust your gut and move on. You know yourself well enough by now to figure out what does and doesn’t work for you."
10. I married someone whose top priority is also their kids
My husband's daughter is his top priority, too. And that makes our love stronger because we aren't making each other our entire universe, nor depending on one another for wholeness. We come together as two whole individuals with clear priorities, so we are free to love each other fully and completely.
11. I learned independence
I didn't need a partner to parent well, and when my kids are gone, I'm still OK. Having to make decisions solo taught me confidence and belief in myself. It also showed me the possibility of seeing my children as whole people, separate from me, who have to adjust to change just as I do. But they cannot be my raison d'etre.
I have to be okay with their absence, distance, and independence. And my kids are stronger for it. They navigate between two homes seamlessly, which helps me appreciate little annoyances as just that: annoyances that will pass with time. After the divorce, I talked openly with my children about many things, still preserving that parental authority.
12. I had to say no to certain extravagances because of my single-parent budget
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But I had the gift of showing my children how to manage money and how to distinguish between need and want. Divorce attorney Karen Covy suggested to "spend more time and less money on your kids. What your kids really want from you is you — your time, your attention, and your love. Instead of buying them a distraction or paying to take them out, spend time at home playing board games, video games, or doing things together that everyone enjoys."
13. I let myself be sad in front of them, so they know it's okay to feel less-than-happy
I forgive myself when I screw up, so they know what it means to be human, and I apologize to them when I don't feel I'm living up to my parenting ideals. They're my pals through life. It took a while for me to be okay with letting my kids comfort me when I felt down, but I realized that in doing so, I was giving them the gift of empowerment, of humanity, of compassion. It's not do-as-I-say; it's live side-by-side.
Could I have accomplished all this without getting divorced? Sure, but I wasn't on that trajectory. In my first marriage, I was me-focused and became a parent because I wanted to be one. I ended up filing for divorce because I realized that to teach my children how to have a healthy relationship, I had to be their best role model. I got divorced to show them how to be an adult who's independent, happy, and confident. And in return, I stepped into the kind of parent I'd always hoped to be.
Lynne Meredith Golodner is a writer, journalist, public relations pro, entrepreneur, and author of nine books. Her bylines have appeared in numerous magazines and newspapers, including Better Homes and Gardens, the Chicago Tribune, Good Housekeeping, Midwest Living, and Parents Magazine, among others.
