Divorce Expert Explains 3 Common Patterns That Make It Hard To Be Happy After Divorce
pocstock | Canva If you want to learn how to be happy after divorcing your spouse, know that a happier life after divorce can be achieved by recognizing a few common patterns that make it hard to be happy after divorce.
Research from The American Psychological Association has explored how the aftermath of a divorce can wreak havoc in your heart and play all kinds of tricks with your mind. As if the shock, grief, and change in everything aren’t enough, you also have to worry about your quality of life while you're going through the divorce process: "Where will I live? How will I make it financially? Will I spend the rest of my life alone?"
The truth can be of little consolation when your once-happy life has come unhinged. And yet, there is consolation in the fact that the truth is just that — the truth. When you feel no stability and no familiarity, you can at least look to that steadfast beacon of hope. And the truth is, you have more control over your quality of life after dealing with divorce than you think you do. You can learn how to find happiness again.
Divorce expert explains 3 common patterns that make it hard to be happy after divorce:
1. Checking your ex's social media
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It’s so difficult not to do this. Even those who don’t like social media can’t escape it. And you and your ex probably have a lot of common friends, not to mention a forever-documented history of your life together. But if your check-in involves rushing to your ex’s page to see what they are up to, you are allowing your divorce to control you.
Is your ex going out without you? Dating again? Smiling without you? Taking that trip you were always going to take together? If you are going to take charge of your quality of life after divorce, you will have to consciously fight the urge to "go there." If you have to unfollow or unfriend your ex to remove the temptation to keep tabs, then do so.
How does this help you determine the quality of your own life? First, a study suggested there is nothing to be gained from constantly immersing yourself in the energy of your ex’s life. You both have to move on. Second, each time you resist the temptation, you take a positive step forward. It may not feel like it at the time, but it’s one small step for today, one giant leap for your life tomorrow.
2. Stalking your ex or showing up 'accidentally'
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As the saying goes, there are no accidents. You may have some genuinely accidental run-ins. But if you are intentionally detouring through your ex’s neighborhood on your way home or showing up at their favorite spots, research has suggested you’re stalling your own progress.
Ask yourself,
- "What am I hoping to see?
- Will I be happy if his car is there? Suspicious if there is another car in the driveway?
- Will I swell up with jealousy if I see her having coffee with another guy?
- What do I want my ex to think or feel if we bump into one another?
- What are my true intentions — that I should be the first one to be happy? That my ex isn’t allowed to be happy without me?"
How does controlling this urge help you take charge of your quality of life after divorce? Again, it is one small urge resistance that pushes you out of the familiar pull of a relationship to which you can’t return. Your life on earth is finite. Why would you want to spend it on a dead-end street, hoping to see that someone you once loved is also miserable? The world is a lot bigger, and so are you.
3. Trying to skip the grief by finding a replacement
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Surely it feels unfair that something you didn’t bargain for on your wedding day is now putting your life on hold. Maybe you didn’t want the divorce. But now you are expected to grieve it before you can move on with your life?
Research has concluded that grief is inevitable. And yet, it also carries an element of choice. You alone decide whether you will embrace the process and its lessons or stay in denial and reject it. No amount of "getting back out there" into the dating world is going to send grief packing.
When you accept that grief is a natural journey, you have the support of the universe to get you through it. You also have the assurance that on the other end of grief’s dark beginning is acceptance and liberation.
The biggest choice you will have to make is who is going to win — your divorce or you? You alone get to choose whether you go down with your failed marriage or learn powerful lessons from it and rise to a better life.
Believe it or not, hope is the companion of grief. And it is the greatest friend you can ask for when taking charge of your quality of life after divorce.
Dr. Karen Finn is a life coach. Her writing has appeared on MSN, Yahoo! & eHarmony, among others.
