Adults Kids Who’ve Had To Parent Their Own Parents Often Learn These 11 Lessons Too Late
Jose Calsina | Shutterstock Children are supposed to be protected, guided and nurtured by their parents. Ideally, when parents experience adult problems and struggles, they turn to other adults for support and guidance, not their kids. Unfortunately, it doesn't always turn out like this. Sometimes parents are overly reliant on their children and it can create a situation where a child is parentified, which is defined by the Cleveland Clinic as "a role reversal between parent and child — when a child takes on responsibility that’s not developmentally appropriate for their age."
Adults who've had to parent their own parents often learn a few key lessons too late. The effects of being parentified often linger into adulthood, including: denial of their own needs, difficulty saying "no", attraction to people who need to be fixed or rescued, and other codependent behaviors. The good news? While it's too late to have learned these lessons as kids, parentified adults can use these tips to break this pattern and heal.
Adults kids who’ve had to parent their own parents often learn these 11 lessons too late
1. Parents should handle their own emotions
nampix | Shutterstock
The first way adult kids can stop parenting their own parents is by letting them handle their own emotions. On the surface, this might sound obvious. Parents should handle their own emotions and not drag their kids into it. Unfortunately, this thinking isn't consistent with some people's reality.
A statistical review of available literature on the effects of parentification concluded, "Many parentified youth experience compromised human, social, and financial capital that strongly predict long-term outcomes for these youth and their families, including under- and un-employment and mental and physical health disparities." These effects can continue into adulthood, so it's important to start setting boundaries to start the healing process.
Adults kids can help their parents handle their own emotions by separating themselves from the conversation, encouraging them to journal their emotions, or suggesting their parents make plans with friends. If all else fails, recommending individual or family therapy is always an option.
2. You don't have to give in to manipulation by your parents
Comeback Images | Shutterstock
Throughout life, we all encounter coworkers, friends, and family members who are manipulative and like to gaslight. These situations aren't easy to deal with, as they typically require a great deal of restraint, self-control, and patience. This can be even harder when it's a parent.
Adult kids of manipulative or gaslighting parents can't just stop at the flip of a switch, it takes effort to break the pattern. They likely grew up surrounded by toxic behavior and don't know anything different. Because of that, recognizing toxic behavior isn't easy and it might even be hard to get away from completely. After all, not everyone has the strength to cut off their own parents.
According to psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis, LCSW, there's no need to bother trying to convince their parents to stop that behavior. Let's face it, these parents just want to be right. It's best not to join them in their little game of pettiness and manipulation.
Gillis explained, "Meeting them at their level of dysfunction can be all-consuming and can affect your own mental health." It's best to keep your cool and if necessary, learn to step away for a moment until you've calmed down. Set boundaries and keep them the best you can.
3. Protecting adults from the consequences of their actions is unhealthy
fizkes | Shutterstock
Nobody likes to see their loved one hurt or in disarray, but there comes a time when hard lessons need to be learned and when facing the consequences is a must. During moments like these, it's easy for adults who had to parent their parents as children to feel the need to interfere or make excuses for their parents.
As difficult as it may be, adult kids allow themselves to take a step back. Their parents are adults, and it's totally appropriate to allow them to face the consequences of their actions. In fact, it can be kind to stop a cycle of codependence that keeps people stuck in dysfunction. Not only will this help them be more dependent on themselves, but it'll also help parents learn from their mistakes.
4. You are not responsible for your parent's happiness, and never were
BearFotos | Shutterstock
It's tempting for adult kids to feel responsible for their parent's happiness. After spending most of their life catering to their parents and their needs, it's hard to suddenly stop and throw in the towel.
But despite the difficulty, having others depend on someone for happiness never ends well. According to a 2014 study, there is a positive relationship between emotional codependency and aggression. This type of dependency can lead to toxic behavior and mental exhaustion.
The best way for adult kids to stop taking part in this codependent dynamic is to communicate assertively and stand up for themselves, suggests psychotherapist Sharon Martin, DSW, LCSW. Otherwise, their parents will continue to step over their adult kids without thinking twice about it.
5. Setting boundaries is an act of love
NTshutterth | Shutterstock
Most people hate to have the tough conversation of setting boundaries because, let's face it, setting boundaries isn't exactly an easy feat. This is probably why there are so many people pleasers out there. According to YouGov, 49% of Americans identified as people pleasers.
While people-pleasing may feel like the easier option in a moment of conflict, a study published in Frontiers in Psychology found that not setting boundaries can lead to exhaustion if people aren't careful. The researchers observed a lack of boundaries in the workforce and found that blurred work-life balance tended to lead to a decrease in happiness and an increase in exhaustion.
If adult kids want to stop parenting their own parents just to make them happy then they need to begin by establishing much-needed limits. Having non-negotiable and negotiable boundaries is the first step to setting them. Furthermore, knowing what to do when those boundaries are crossed is essential to maintaining them.
Keeping it respectful when discussing boundaries and reflecting on why those boundaries matter to you are great steps to take.
6. You can steer conversation away from their problems
LightField Studios | Shutterstock
Being a parentified child relationship isn't for the weak. Constantly listening to your parents' complaints and worries can make even the strongest of people stressed. According to The American Institute of Stress, people can transmit their stress to other people. This is likely compounded for adult kids who've had to parent their own parents.
If you're in this situation, please know that you can simply steer the conversation away from their problems. After all, you don't owe them endless hours of problem-solving or actively listening. For instance, if a parent is complaining about their relationship problems and they're continuing for way too long, an adult kid can switch the topic to something else by saying, "Oh yeah, I just remembered I wanted to talk to you about the latest season of the show we both love!"
The parent may still try to talk about the same old thing, but if you keep a little list of distractions in your mind, you will have lots of options.
7. It's healthier to encourage them to find healthier outlets
fizkes | Shutterstock
It's tempting to want to vent to others when life hits you square in the face. However, parents (even parents of adult kids!) should prioritize healthier outlets for venting and processing than their kids. Certainly a few passing words to share their day is always fine, but the long, drawn-out vent sessions are not good for any adult kid who grew up parentified.
While this may seem harsh, parents can't always depend on their adult kids for help, which is why finding healthier outlets is the best option. Instead, they can depend on friends their own age or an interesting hobby to help calm their nerves. They can seek out therapy, a support group or even start a new exercise habit.
According to a study published in Frontiers in Physiology, things like engaging in physical activity can help relieve stress. Everyone needs healthy outlets when their emotions get to be too much. Anger and sadness can only go on unaddressed for so long without turning destructive.
8. You deserve to focus on your own life
Vladimir Sukhachev | Shutterstock
It's easy for adult kids to wrap themselves up in their parents' life and problems. Feeling indebted and guilty, they'll intentionally ignore their own needs just to ensure that their parent's needs are taken care of. However, if an adult kid truly wants to stop parenting their own parents just to make them happy, then focusing on their own lives is a must.
This will likely be met with resistance. After all, the pattern of their adult child taking care of their parent first has been in place a long, long time and people caught in dysfunction often find the idea of breaking that pattern terrifying. Still, you deserve to focus on your life. You deserve peace. But you will need to reclaim that for yourself, as your parent likely will never initiate the change on their own.
9. You are allowed to shift the narrative toward reality
shurkin_son | Shutterstock
When adult kids want to stop parenting their parents, they'll need to slowly shift the narrative away from "I may have been a parent, but I needed you to care for me" to "I was your parent and I should have cared for you more than you cared for me."
If that doesn't help, try doing it the other way around. Start shifting narratives toward reality in other areas, then swing back and see if you, as an adult child, can help your parent see the reality of your childhood dynamic. As Gina DeMillo Wagner, who was also had to parent her own parents writes, "I’ve learned that the healthiest relationships in my life feel reciprocal—no one is sacrificing too much of themselves or abandoning their own needs."
Shifting this narrative is the beginning of being able to shift other unhealthy narratives in their lives. For example, instead of simply letting your parent make themselves into the victim of every story, you can say, "I see it differently, I think you played a role in this situation, Mom."
The main goal here isn't to change their mind or even feed into their dependency. Rather, it's to slowly begin the process of depending on themselves for advice. And when an adult kid shifts the narrative and begins asking them these types of questions, it forces them to depend less on them and more on themselves.
10. It's OK to walk away from your parent
Antonio Guillem | Shutterstock
There's only so much an adult kid who had to parent their own parent can take before it begins to be too much. And in the case of dealing with a narcissistic or delusional parent, it might already begin to feel like too much. As a result, it's best to walk away rather than get caught up in trying to find solutions. Otherwise, an adult child risks their mental health.
That said, walking away isn't always easy. Having the courage to say, "I need to go," can be hard when an adult kid hears their parents panicked outbursts or their demeaning words. However, it's important to remember that in order for adult kids to stop parenting their own parents they need to be willing to stand firm in their boundaries, otherwise all of this is pointless.
So, the next time a parent is getting to be too much simply say, "Sorry, I have to go now, but we'll talk again soon." Though it might come off as 'cold' eventually the parent in question will begin to get the hint and slowly start ceasing their toxic behavior.
11. You can accept your parent's behavior without condoning it
PeopleImages | Shutterstock
It's easy for adult kids who had to parent their own mom or dad to spend time longing for their childhood or their parent to be different. This is natural, of course, but it can also keep you stuck in a state of "if only", which can keep you from finding happiness and fulfillment in the here-and-now.
Remember, you can accept that your childhood was not ideal without pretending that it was. You don't have to fake that it made you tough or independent if you don't feel that way and you don't have to tell a story that isn't true. Instead, remind yourself that your struggles were real, that your parents made mistakes, and that you cannot change that.
When interacting with your parent now, remember that you are allowed to stop taking care of them beyond what is typical care adults show their parents. Decide what is OK and healthy for you and what is not. As Sheldon Reid writes for HelpGuide, "Make peace with the fact that some people have viewpoints or priorities that may never match your own [and] try to treasure the relationship for what it is, or focus on other relationships that bring you joy."
When you accept who your parent is now, you give yourself the gift of no longer having to change them. After all, that is an exhausting job and it is probably impossible. By doing this, you can reclaim your identity and become so much more than just a caretaker.
