Adoptee Asks If It’s Selfish Not To Split The Inheritance His Birth Mom Left Him With His Adopted Siblings
His siblings believe that since they're adopted, they're also deserving of the money.
ShotPrime Studio | Shutterstock Adoptees can have complicated feelings about their birth parents. Some never know their biological families, while others choose to seek them out. One man who was adopted never had any real connection to his birth mom until her death.
She left quite the gift for him to remember her by in the form of a hefty inheritance. Unfortunately, his siblings, who were also adopted, weren’t very understanding and seemed to think they deserved a portion of the fortune even though they had no actual relation to the woman.
An adoptee received a sizable inheritance from his birth mother, which brought out some jealousy among his siblings.
A man took to Reddit to share his amazing story and ask if he was in the wrong for the choices he made. “I just found out that my birth mother, who I have never met, left me her whole estate ($180,000)!” he declared. “I was adopted at birth by a wonderful family with two other adopted kids.”
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“My siblings are now saying that it isn’t fair I got everything when they also ‘deserve’ it being adopted as well,” he continued. “They want to split it three ways! My parents are staying neutral which I can tell is uncomfortable.”
But, as this man pointed out, this is his mother he’s talking about. “The thing is, this was MY birth mother,” he said. “She chose to find me and leave me this money. My siblings have their own birth families they could easily have a connection to someday. For me, this feels like my one connection to where I came from.”
Unfortunately, his siblings don’t see it that way, and it’s making their lives uncomfortable. “Now family dinners are awkward because my siblings barely talk to me,” he complained. “Am I being selfish keeping money that was legally left to me?”
The adoptee is not selfish for wanting to keep the inheritance from his birth mom for himself.
The man’s fellow Reddit users were pretty shocked that he thought he might be the selfish one in this situation. As they quickly pointed out, his siblings have no claim to that money. “Your siblings are entitled and irrational,” one person wisely said. “It doesn’t matter if they are adopted too — your birth mom (not theirs) left you something. It’s yours — the only thing you’ll have from a woman who birthed you and clearly never stopped loving you.”
Someone else shared their own perspective as a birth mom. “As a woman who gave up a child for adoption, if I were to leave my estate to my child and then she split it with her siblings out of guilt or perceived obligation, I’d be sad,” she admitted. “My intention would be for that money to enhance my child’s life, not that of her adopted siblings.” Another person quite simply stated what was on everyone’s mind. “The only people being selfish here are your siblings.”
Dr. Joy Francisco, Ph.D., would likely agree with all these commenters. She wrote, "Saying 'no' can be difficult for many of us. Why difficult? Because it is often associated with being selfish or rude. To the contrary, saying 'no' actually means you know your value and respect yourself enough to stand up for your beliefs." She went on to say, "We often feel immense pressure to do things we do not want to do. As often, we place this pressure on ourselves. We think about what we should do, what we should want to do, or the expectations others might have of us."
Sounds like she is talking directly to this adopted man. He is ultimately being pressured by the people he loves to do something that doesn't sit right with him, and that's causing his discomfort. Her advice is simple and clear. "You are your own biggest advocate. You are the only one who can really identify your priorities in life, as you are the person who is going to be most affected by the decisions you make."
There’s clearly an unspoken competition going on between these siblings.
It goes without saying that the man’s adopted siblings have no legal claim to the money his own biological mother left him. There’s a fairly good chance that the birth mom didn’t even know about their existence, and if she did, she clearly didn’t want any money going to them.
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“Siblings are naturally competitive,” said Judy Lin Walsh, a principal at Banyan Global, a family enterprises advising firm. “Starting from childhood, they’ve had to compete for resources — their parents’ time, affection and attention.” Adoption likely only compounds this issue among siblings.
“Money can become just another arena for competition, particularly among adult siblings who choose different career paths and have varying degrees of success in their chosen field,” she continued.
While it’s unclear what stage of life these siblings are in, it’s obvious that they feel an immense amount of competition and jealousy among each other. But, this is one time when something really shouldn’t be shared. The money belongs to this man, free and clear.
Perhaps the issue isn't with money at all, however. Perhaps the real issue is that this man got a sort of closure from his birth mother that his siblings have yet to receive, if ever. That's not an easy pill to swallow. It certainly doesn't forgive them for their sense of entitlement, but in life, and especially in matters of the heart, those jumbled emotions can get messy. When someone feels hurt, especially, it often disguises itself in jarring ways as a means of protection.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
