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It might even save your relationship.
By Todd Creager — Written on Dec 15, 2017
You've heard all the standard advice: Say "I" statements. Don’t be defensive. Repeat the words that your partner said.
These are a few of the things people hear at basic communication seminars or what they read in articles that talk about how to communicate. That is all well and good except that there is something that everyone has to do before anything else so that communication can be effective.
And here it is — drop your agenda!
What do I mean by that? I mean stop trying to accomplish anything when your partner is communicating. Get curious, be inquisitive, be interested in what the other person wants to express.
If you drop your agenda, you will not be defending yourself, proving your partner is inaccurate, or reacting to what he or she is saying. And that's because you are not trying to accomplish anything. You have dropped your agenda. You are now truly receptive to what your partner or the other person truly is experiencing and wants to convey to you.
This is a very relaxed state. It is actually very good for your health to be in this state more often. This is the state of mind that meditators strive to experience. When you are in this receptive state you are "at one" with whatever you put your attention on.
Likewise, if you put your attention on your partner in this wonderful, relaxed state of mind, you are at one with your partner. You are not trying to control how your partner thinks or feels or even how you feel. You are just letting everything be as it is.
No forcing; no pushing; no pulling. Just being there, interested and curious. (Yes, some words need to be repeated).
You are attuned to your partner. Your partner feels this and it can open them up to receiving more from you since trust is being created.
I love the expression on men’s faces when they see how doing less (dropping his agenda) has such a powerful positive effect on his partner.
Here he was, trying so hard to solve her problem or convince her that she is overreacting and now all he has to do is be there and "get" her and she is transformed from an unhappy, maybe even angry woman to one who is softening; possibly crying and possibly even smiling.
I see the same positive experience in men when they feel the receptivity from the women.
This is the same state of mind as when you are in nature taking in the scenery. You are not trying to accomplish anything. You are just noticing the beauty around you.
This state of mind could be practiced throughout the day for even seconds at a time. Then, when the other person wants to communicate with you, you can evoke in you that same state of mind.
When you do that, your partner will notice and will feel your energy and presence is with him or her. Eventually, it will be your turn to express and your partner could very well be more receptive to you because of your excellent listening.
And that, my dear reader, is the beginning of great communication.
Todd Creager is an expert in relationships. For over 30 years, he has worked as a relationship therapist, specializing in marriage, sex and couples counseling.
This article was originally published at Todd Creager's website. Reprinted with permission from the author.