6 Tiny Ways To Keep Your Marriage Alive, Even When You’re Covered In Spit-Up And Goldfish Crumbs

While it’s expected that intimacy will die down after kids arrive on the scene, if you make your relationship a priority, it doesn’t have to take a huge dip. When a baby arrives, parents need to adjust to the emotional and physical demands of becoming a parent. Infants can be challenging (most new parents are sleep-deprived), time for intimacy and romance declines, and couples need to make time to connect both physically and emotionally.

Author Andrew G. Marshall says the two main culprits that destroy what he calls "Loving Attachment" — the type of love characterized by a deep connection, intimacy, and the ability to tackle the challenges of life together — are neglecting physical intimacy and not accepting each other’s differences. In his landmark book, I Love You, But I'm Not In Love With You, he says that couples can rekindle loving feelings by building a better understanding of themselves and each other, and ultimately building a stronger, more passionate connection.

Here are ways to keep your marriage alive amid the chaos of parenting:

1. Plan exciting dates

couple keeping marriage alive by planning dates La Famiglia / Shutterstock

Try something like hiking or kayaking that’s outside of your comfort zone. Make doing activities away from your children a priority.

Married couples prioritizing regular, exciting dates experience numerous benefits, including increased intimacy, improved relationship quality, and a stronger sense of connection. According to research by The Gottman Institute, dates, particularly those involving new and stimulating activities, can help couples rekindle excitement, foster self-expansion, and strengthen their bond.

2. Schedule time for just the two of you — no kids

couple keeping marriage alive by scheduling time just the two of them oneinchpunch / Shutterstock

They won't suffer if you don't schedule daily playtime. Kids are incredibly resilient and they will become self-reliant if they have downtime to play alone, with siblings, or with peers.

Couples who schedule regular time together without their children experience higher levels of marital satisfaction and connection. This dedicated time helps couples maintain their identities, reconnect, and strengthen their bond. The Gottman Institute's research suggests that at least six hours of dedicated couple time per week can significantly impact relationship satisfaction and well-being.

3. Resolve conflicts skillfully

couple keeping marriage alive by resolving conflict Mladen Mitrinovic / Shutterstock

Don’t put aside resentments that can destroy a relationship. Learn to air your differences and compromise so you both get some, but not all, of the things you desire. Couples who approach disagreements with positive behaviors, such as active listening and respectful communication, tend to experience less stress and exhibit healthier relationship dynamics.

Conversely, unresolved conflicts and negative conflict styles can lead to increased anxiety, marital dissatisfaction, and even divorce. Research suggests favorable conflict resolution can contribute to both partners' long-term health and well-being, potentially increasing their lifespan.

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4. Touch each other more

couple keeping marriage alive by touching each other Yuri A / Shutterstock

According to author Dr. Kory Floyd, physical contact releases feel-good hormones. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, and touching release oxytocin (the bonding hormone) that reduces pain and creates a calming sensation. Physical affection also reduces stress hormones — lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol.

5. Ensure your kids know your relationship with their other parent is important

couple keeping marriage alive by ensuring kids know relationship is important Yuri A / Shutterstock

This may sound simplistic, but you can convey this through warmth, affection, and spending time away from them with your partner. Making your marriage a priority will pay off for you, your partner, and your children. For your marriage or romantic relationship to thrive, it’s important to create daily rituals like spending time together, showing physical affection, and learning to resolve conflicts healthily.

Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW, is a licensed clinical social worker with extensive experience in counseling and writing.