Photo: IMDB
You gotta face your feelings, man.
By Keith Dent — Written on Jul 23, 2021
Contrary to popular mythology, men don’t always do well with breakups and divorce.
Studies have shown that men who go through a divorce are more likely to die at a younger age, have more heat-related illnesses and substance abuse issues, and take longer to undo the emotional attachment to their marriage than women.
Sadly, there is very little breakup advice aimed at men — but we still need it. Fortunately, most of it applies to women, as well.
The collateral damage, which isn’t often discussed, is the challenge around men trying to figure out who they want to be, since their identities are often defined by three things: their job, their spouse, and their family.
With their relationships now over and limited access to their kids' daily lives, men often have a hard time getting motivated to discover who they really are. Or, better yet, who they want to be, post-breakup.
Some of the best breakup advice comes from Ted Lasso, and Golden Globe-winning actor/creator/writer Jason Sudeikis.
Going through a messy, public divorce himself, Sudeikis had to summon some of his inner Ted Lasso in order to make it through after Olivia Wilde began a new relationship with Harry Styles.
As Ted Lasso goes through a divorce on the show, his journey to overcome his pain and broken heart is a classic way for men to survive a breakup or divorce.
Here are 7 of the best bits of breakup advice from Ted Lasso (and Sudeikis himself).
1. "Taking on a challenge is a lot like ridin’ a horse. If you’re comfortable while doin’ it then you’re probably doin’ it wrong."
Assessing who you are and your role in the demise of your marriage can take time. Since 69 percent of women tend to file for divorce, men tend to blame them for ruining their lives and mistrust is usually a by-product of their anger.
Men need to take the time to step back think about their part in how their marriage ended.
Going through this process should make you uncomfortable, but it’s the only way you can grow as a person, not only for yourself, but for future relationships.
2. Remember: you’re not quitting, you’re letting her go.
There are countless examples that enforce the idea that a real man never quits. He never gives up something that's important to him.
Ted Lasso understood that the more he tried to fix what he thought was the problem by being more attentive or more loving, everything would work out — but it didn't.
He realized that the relationship had run its course and it’s better for his partner to be happy apart than to be married and miserable just for the sake of appearances.
3. Don’t hold onto your pain — it will come out one way or another.
Men tend to not let on that anything is wrong with them, despite the obstacles or circumstances that are actively transpiring.
Ted was that kind of guy — he always tried to shed a positive light on a situation no matter how he might have been feeling inside.
By tamping down fear, insecurity, and pain, you're giving it opportunities to come out in other ways. Ted's pain happens to come out when he hears a certain triggering song.
Only when he was able to acknowledge that his marriage was over and that he needed to take action to move forward was he able to breathe again.
Men who get divorced hold onto their grief. But, grief is natural. If you find that you can't move forward, get help. After all, “I promise you, there is something worse out there than being sad. And that is being alone and being sad."
You don't have to be alone through this.
4. Embrace change.
As Ted says, "What I can tell you, is with the exception of the wit and wisdom of Calvin and Hobbes, not much lasts forever."
Most of the time, change is a good thing. That’s what it’s all about — embracing change, being brave, and doing whatever you have to so everyone in your life can move forward with theirs.
If your relationship ends amicably, your former partner will not want to see you broken and miserable as you try and navigate a new normal. She will not truly embrace her happiness.
It's up to you to embrace the fact that your life, your relationship with your former spouse, and your relationship with your kids will be different.
Instead of focusing on what you don’t have in the relationship, focus on what you do have and do your best to make the most of it. You may find the change more enjoyable than you think.
5. Divorce is hard, no matter if you're the one leaving or the one that gets left.
Divorce is hard on everyone, as we are creatures that thrive on routine. When that routine is broken, it leaves us discombobulated and lost.
It’s okay to be rudderless for a minute, but pick yourself up and move forward as soon as you can.
In his GQ magazine interview, Sudeikis discusses his plan to move forward after divorce: "I think if you have the opportunity to hit a rock bottom, however you define that, you can become 412 bones or you can land like an Avenger. I personally have chosen to land like an Avenger."
6. Don't let your breakup define you.
Your divorce shouldn’t define your entire life.
Sudeikis said that even he didn't have total clarity about the end of the relationship just yet.
"I'll have a better understanding of why in a year," he said. "And an even better one in two, and an even greater one in five, and it'll go from being, you know, a book of my life to becoming a chapter to a paragraph to a line to a word to a doodle."
Take things one day at a time and allow yourself to cherish the good moments and the not-so-good moments in your life. Discover and spend your free time doing things that bring you joy. You're discovering the person you're about to become. And that, as Ted says, “smells like potential.”
7. Believe!
Ted Lasso’s mantra was "Believe!"
Believe that no matter how dire the circumstances, things will get better, your situation will turn around.
In his own life, even though he chose strength over being broken and starting over, Sudeikis did say that "There is power in creating 412 bones! Because we all know that a bone, up to a certain age, when it heals, it heals stronger."
Men, you're not a failure for going through a divorce or serious breakup.
In fact, you may be going through a life change that will place you on the path of a more pleasant future. What you're responsible for is how you deal with the divorce.
Instead of wallowing in your pain and suffering, choose Ted Lasso’s style of handling divorce — it's the best breakup advice you could ever receive.
As Ted says, “I believe in hope. I believe in Believe.”
Look at your divorce as an opportunity to make a fresh start and to create a life that you want while learning from your past mistakes. It might be the best thing that happens to you.
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Keith Dent is a certified empowerment coach by The Institute for Professional Empowerment Coaching (IPEC). He has 10 years of experience and is the author of In the Paint – How to Win at the Game of Love. Contact Coach Keith for a free consultation