Ted Cruz Resigns As "Manchurian Candidate In Training": A Satire

Have you heard?  An American spy working in the Texas home of Senator Ted Cruz  and and his wife, Goldman Sachs's Heidi Nelson Cruz, has passed on a hot off the press secret e-mail written from her "boss" to Russian President, Vladimir Putin.  ("I cannot say who placed me," the spy said in her recent interview.  "Just let's say that those who did knew a rat when they smelled one.")  In his e-mail to Putin Cruz resigns from his position of Manchurian Candidate, In Training. 


"Hell," Cruz wrote, "all of the vodka and caviar in Russia will not keep me!"  The house spy also reported that as the Senator wrote the email, his wife was yelling for him to remember that Putin was KGB trained:  "He throws darts at tigers and polar bears; he left his wife after beating her; he took his black lab, Koni, to a first meeting with Angela Merkel to scare her.  Do not piss him off!" warned Heidi.

"So what.  Putin has served his purpose.  You've always known I will do whatever is necessary to accomplish my goals.  Everything is going according to plan." Cruz yelled back, pushing the Send button as his volume grew, "I have had it.  If shutting down the government, the fiscal stand off, and out assault on Obamacare didn't bring the liberals and Commies down, there are other ways"  Heidi reminded hubby that Putin was a Commie also.  "Yeah, but he promised me ultimate power here to change things in the way he is changing them in Russia, and he has not delivered." 

According to the spy-in residence in the Cruz home, at the end of this exchange, the Senator's mobile rang.  It was Putin, who joined the Texas screamers with guilt trips galore.  President Putin reminded Senator Cruz of meeting and signing him up for the MCT position (their code name) when Cruz still was at Princeton.  "You hated the food at your Eating Club," Putin reminded Cruz, "I introduced you to single malt scotch, which you know I drink any chance I can.  And when you and Heidi got married, I supplied the caviar."  And Putin continued, furiously, "Who do you think got Professor Alan Dershowitz to publicly call you "off the charts brilliant?"  I'm still paying him off with caviar!

Calming himself, Senator Cruz told Putin that he was fighting laryngitis from all of his interviews, and that Heidi had migraines from all of the bulbs popping in her face.  "Look, our MCT togetherness has fallen flat.  It is kaput! it's time for me to turn now to my own Plan B." 


Heidi looked quizzical as she left the room, holding her head, in search of the last tranquillizer in her pill case.  She also exited to place a call to her boutique doc for a drug refill and to call in sick once again at Goldman Sachs.  This exit, according to the spy (who dusted the bar, stereo and TV again and again, as no one noticed) gave the Senator an opportunity to vent something else to a stunned Putin, "If you are pissed, I am double pissed!  You know I think Michelle Bachmann is hot, and you met with her without including me."  For the record, Putin never met with Bachmann.  But the Senator, a master in passive aggressive manipulation, said this to throw the Russian Pres off base and end the call.  It worked.  Putin started to curse -- then hung up in mid-curse.  

At this point, the tranquillizer doing its job, Heidi reentered the room asking what Plan B was.   "You know it has always been my plan to be President. "But how can you be President?" Heidi asked:  "John McCain has said that you were on a fool's errand, and so many just plain hate you."

"Relax honey," Cruz told his wife.  "I'm right where I want to be -- on the road to destroy all of those who believe government owes something to people who don't have the where-with-all to take care of themselves!  I am a rock star to those who count. Everyone now knows my name and spells in right. News shows are fighting each other to give me even more exposure. Speaking opportunities have been everywhere, even to honor Ronald Reagan. All I have to do is keep my smooth talking going strong; keep my gloves on; especially when it comes to Chris Christie; and turn on the charm.  The best is yet to be."