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A new coaching relationship requires commitment from both sides.
By Sarah Merron — Written on Jul 01, 2020
There is a big difference between productive and unproductive relationship coaching experiences.
When you're looking for life coaching, deciding on someone who works well with you and brings out the best in you is an important choice. You may feel nervous at the onset.
Even though you’ve chosen this person, you're unsure about what’s to come.
You wonder what they’re going to think of you, or how much you’re going to have to expose yourself, and what that’s going to feel like.
You ask yourself what expectations the coach has of the outcome and whether they’re going to judge you as a "good" client. Whatever that means.
Every non-verbal and verbal response can feel like judgment. There’s a desire to explain yourself to make sure they really see things from your point of view, or from the perspective you want them to.
There’s a part of you that wants to "perform" well and meet the imaginary or projected expectations of the coach. There’s another part of you that wants to run out the door or shut down the call so that you can maintain control.
I mean, you know how to drive the behavior you currently have. Even if it’s unhelpful, you know you can do it!
What you may not realize is that to some degree or another, it feels the same for a coach.
The client is also judging the coach.
It’s like a first date. Your coach is trying to feel the connection and help you feel trust as quickly as possible.
Both you and your potential coach have to be on your game.
Your coach has to ensure they observe everything, listen with the widest ears, and take copious notes of precisely what you're saying. They must resist the natural human programming of making assumptions and paraphrasing.
Fortunately, since coaches are more focused on the way a client says something rather than precisely what they say, there’s no time to make judgments!
And guess what? They understand that if you judge yourself harshly, you're also judging them to the same degree!
Coaches have to present the "electric socket" to the client and give you the choice of connecting to the flow of current or not.
What’s more, you never really know how long it’s going to take to achieve that connection to co-create together. You’ve got to have a wide range of tools in your toolbox to manage any unconscious resistance that pops up out of the blue.
Just as you’re trying to decide how open to be and whether or not it feels safe, your coach is also trying to work out how much of the process steps they can share.
They don't want to remove the whole experience from the now, giving your conscious mind the tools to deflect, or minimizing the chances of accessing the unconscious they need to support you going forward.
It’s ironic, since you're the one in control. A coach can only take you where you want to go. And yet, that sounds easier to believe than it actually is.
Teamwork builds productive coaching relationships.
If you’ve never had a coaching session, and you’ve been surfing the net, you may see some people giving clear outcomes and timeframes. And that’s great. It just doesn’t always happen that way.
It’s a process of co-creation. Your coach guides you in, and then follows wherever you go. Sometimes it is predictable, sometimes it isn't.
The coaching relationship requires a great deal of investment from both sides. It’s very far from a single session of popping in your mind and jiggling around a bit until something sticks!
If you’re sick of dating that never progresses and you’ve decided you want a committed relationship, you’re going to open your mind beyond the immediate gratification of lust and look for someone who aligns with your values, can share your dreams, and can give and receive support in a long-term relationship.
You’re going to need to find a dating site that specializes in matching life partners, and you'll need a coach who can match your needs.
You’re in this together on an equal basis. You’re working to get to know each other and to understand how to make the most of the connection. You approach it for the long term, rather than a one-time meeting to achieve a checklist or a quick win.
A few whizzy tools and techniques are no substitute for a coaching relationship built with a future in mind.
When you're working on the relationship you have with yourself, things can get complicated. Just like on a first date, coaches try to make a good impression because they want to put you at ease and get to know you.
But coaching relationships often wind up having third or fourth date conversations on the first date.
No matter how open you want to be, there’s something about it that feels unnaturally exposed and can make the unconscious mind ring the “get out!” alarm bell in your lizard brain.
Moreover, both people at some point have to address the big elephant in the room: We all lie to ourselves. You can’t help it. The reason doesn’t really matter and it isn’t anyone else’s business, unless you ask them to get involved.
But when you engage with a coach, you’re asking the coach to get involved. You’re asking them to come into your wondrous web of truths and untruths.
You have to explain to them that you’re not really sure which is which. You have to ask if they would they mind helping you. It can feel somewhat vulnerable and requires a trusting relationship.
Finding an experienced coach can be useful for productive life-coaching relationships.
If you’re thinking about working with a coach, I’m going to let you in on a little secret. Almost every coach trains as a coach to “find themselves.” They may have had coaching and then decided that they want to do this to impact the world or help other people.
The training forces them to stare at themselves and expose their own weird and wonderful behaviors.
And when they come face to face with their ego, they realize the only impact they have stems from the partnership with you, their client. It’s never a one-man show. They can’t "help" people unless they’re in the market for helping themselves.
Just like driving, coaches are rarely highly skilled when they first get their certificates. They develop skills through practice, challenge, success, failure, and achievement.
And that’s because life is a journey rather than a destination. It’s not a set of certificates or accolades, it’s a journey of experiences and connections.
So, when you’re sitting in front of a seasoned coach, you can be safe in the knowledge that they know what it’s like to feel vulnerable, scared, frustrated, uncertain, confused, angry, lost, and lacking in faith.
They also know what it’s like to feel like their real selves, to enjoy a sense of achievement, and how to flow with their emotional compasses.
They’ve arrived here with you, at some point or another, having felt all of those things. They can empathize rather than sympathize. They probably have some pretty good ideas of how to guide you out of the darkest corners or your mind and elevate your strengths beyond your projections.
So, when you’re looking for someone to surf through your unique and wondrous weirdness and introduce to your other half — you know, the voice living inside your head, you want to choose wisely.
The relationship you choose will determine how deeply you can connect with your real self and to what degree you can grow into your ever-expanding potential.
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Sarah Merron is a certified personal development coach and NLP trainer who workes with hypnosis and Reiki. For more information on how she can help you find the love you're looking for, email her or visit her website to book a coaching session today.
This article was originally published at Sarah Merron. Reprinted with permission from the author.