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By Ronnie Ann Ryan — Written on Feb 21, 2019
If you're like the majority of modern women, you probably feel compelled to ask a man out these days. Typically, you might feel this way for one of these three reasons:
- You've been told that men and women are equal, so you don't see any good reason NOT to ask a guy out if you're attracted to him.
- The guy you're interested in seems interested in you too, but he's taking too long to ask you out. You figure you may as well jump in to get the ball rolling.
- You believe the man you're interested in is especially shy, so you want to make things easier for both of you by taking the initiative to ask him out.
It’s easy to see why you think these reasons make sense. With the powerful shift toward greater gender equality in the work place, it seems like learning
how to get a guy to like you should be no big deal.
After all, you are a mover and shaker in business. You’ve climbed the corporate or professional ladder to achieve success. This is just one more place to take charge and get it done, right? Not exactly. The romantic dynamics between men and women are not that simple.
In relation to gender equality, dating is a mating ritual rooted in biology that now seems like an archaic throwback to the times of cavemen. And the truth is, you simply can’t take the DNA out of dating.
To understand what the heck DNA has to do with dating, we have to understand the caveman. At the dawn of the human race, men were hunters. They took the lead to hunt, feed and provide protection for the family. Females gathered plants, birthed children and raised them. Okay, maybe they did a little cave cleaning too.
The instinct to take charge, be dominant and hunt remains coded in a man’s DNA today. That’s what I mean when I say you can’t take the DNA out of dating.
Men continue to feel an instinctual drive to be the dominant force in modern courtship, especially if they are alpha males. A full-blooded alpha male prefers tradition — he chooses the woman and takes charge of courtship.
When you turn the tables and ask an alpha man out, he might be curious and flattered — and he may even think he’s going to get lucky. I’ve spoken to a lot of men and this exactly what they tell me. But that doesn’t mean they see you as a long-term option.
When you ask him out and then pick up the check, you assumed the traditional male role. Let’s say he says yes and goes out with you a first time. How do you get an opportunity to see him again? If you ask him out again, you set an aggressive precedent — and now you are officially chasing him.
Alpha males do NOT appreciate being chased, no matter how much gender equality exists elsewhere in their lives. It goes against the grain of their alpha male instincts to take charge, and make things happen and dominate their world. Anything else is unacceptable since it makes him feel less masculine.
Occasionally, if you ask a man out and he thinks seeing you again is a good idea, he’ll take over pursuit and ask for the second date. If this happens, let him take charge from that point on, because this is the only shot you have of dating him and building a relationship.
If you only want a fling or something casual, asking a man out is fine because you aren’t hoping for anything long-term. So it doesn’t matter who pursues whom. But if you’re looking for love, my best dating advice is to let men lead and do the asking.
Most importantly, realize that if he’s not asking you out, it’s because he doesn't want to. Otherwise, he would. Yes, it is that simple.
A man gets invested in a woman when he has to win her over. That’s the purpose of the chase, which is why dating experts implore you not to drop everything for a man or be too available. A little tension makes you more of a challenge and more appealing. It stimulates his hunter instincts, hearkening back to the caveman.
Don’t take the fun out of his chase. When you ask him out or are too available or enthusiastic, you eliminate the challenge and the fun of the chase. Men seek experiences in which they can feel victorious.
Where’s the possible victory for him if you ask him out? Where’s the thrill if you take over pursuit? None of that supports his masculine identity. Instead, it sets up a competitive situation — which will never lead to romance. Remember: He's drawn to your femininity.
The key to connecting with a strong, decisive, successful man is to rely on your feminine charm. It piques his masculine energy, attracts him to you, makes him want you, and wins him over.
This charm has been coded into your DNA to ensure survival of the species. I’m talking about your allure, coyness, warmth and the playful flirty ways that draw him to you. Your feminine energy is powerful and hard to resist when you know how to work it.
To know how to get a guy to like you and capture his attention, it means your feminine charm is the answer. Your feminine charm becomes especially hard to resist when you exude confidence in your desirability and think of yourself as "the prize” (as Steve Harvey says).
Follow these 3 simple steps to access your own feminine charms and meet more men of better quality:
- Be flirty. Men will find you easier to approach.
- Be warm. Stay open and strike up friendly conversations with handsome men who catch your eye.
- Be playful. A light-hearted attitude will prevent you from taking any of this too seriously, and it will also make it all a lot more fun. You’ll soon discover how tempting your light-hearted ways are to men.
To find love, don’t fight DNA — use it to your advantage. You’ll be more successful with men, and have a lot more fun along the way to finding the love you dream of.
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Ronnie Ann Ryan is a love and dating coach. Her advice has been featured in ABC, NBC, and Fox News, BBC, NPR, MSN.com, Huffington Post, Fox News Magazine Online, Yahoo and eHarmony, among others.