How To Save Your Relationship & Your Money If Paying For Everything Is Making You Resentful
You shouldn't have to choose between love or money.
getty Money comes and money goes, and for a healthy relationship, couples should find a fair way to split the bills.
Whether that means splitting everything evenly or paying up based on a percentage of what each person makes is up to the couple, but one thing is for sure: in a relationship, you shouldn't feel as though you (or they're bank account) are being taken advantage of.
Paying for everything in your relationship can easily make you feel resentful of your partner. But before jumping into a breakup, there are ways to save your relationship from demise.
Money worries are rarely just about money. They represent something deeper and a lack of healthy communication usually compounds the problem.
So, if resentment, anger, or frustration is mounting in your relationship because you make more money than your man (or you are paying for his stuff), then in order to know whether to leave him or save your relationship, before anything else, you must go through these 5 steps:
1. Accept responsibility
No matter what situation you are in, you play a role in shaping it, so take responsibility. Stop blaming your guy for making less money or for not paying his share. You play a role. It is about how you act, what you say, what you don’t say, and how you behave.
Are you coming home and yelling at him every night? Talk is cheap. What motivation is there for him to step up if you keep doing things that support the current pattern? Every time you complain, but continue to pay for everything, you send the message that your word means nothing and you do not honor your own boundaries.
If you stay silent and don’t communicate your displeasure with the situation, your partner will never know how much it bothers you. Quit blaming and judging your guy and first identify your mistakes (how you contribute to the situation) and then admit them.
2. Define the real problem
Is the problem that you make more money than him, or is the problem that you don’t have enough to pay for both of you (or that you don’t want to pay for the both of you no matter how much you make)?
For example, if you could double your income spending the same amount of time working, would your partner’s low income still drive you nuts? Is it that you want a man who takes care of you in all ways (especially financially) or do you just want to feel like he’s contributing?
3. Uncover and acknowledge your own money fears
You have fears about money and about your relationship. Well, what are they? Are you afraid you’ll end up in debt or broke? Are you worried you’ll have to carry the whole load and won’t be able to manage? Are you scared you’re being taken advantage of?
By leading with anger and fear instead of positive communication, you quickly lose all power to influence your partner, who will push back against being judged.
Uncovering and acknowledging your own fears will give you clarity and empower you. This way you can choose behaviors and engage in conversations that serve you instead of sabotage you.
4. Get specific about what you want
A list of what you don’t want isn’t enough. What specifically do you want?
Before you can get on the same page as your man, you have to get clear with yourself about your true wants and make your own rules. You can’t hold someone accountable for something you haven’t fully communicated.
With an unspoken ultimatum, it's hard for anyone to win.
5. Talk about it
Now that you have gone through these steps, talk about it!
The key to working out money differences is clarity and communication. Your relationship needs the same. Whether or not you decide you and your partner are ultimately meant to stay together, at the very least, you can end things knowing you spoke your truth, took responsibility for yourself, and didn’t let your fears control you.
Work on becoming a better you so that whatever relationship you end up in (this one or the next) is built on honesty and transparency. Never let money destroy your relationship, it's your choice now!
Money & Business Growth Expert Robyn Crane is known for hosting the TV show The Financial G-Spot, radio show Let’s Talk Money, and is a 4-time #1 Best Selling Author.