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What does she really want? What does he really want?
By Richard Drobnick — Written on Jan 19, 2018
It is obvious that men and women are different physically, but we may not realize how different we are, emotionally. It is only through understanding and accepting our less obvious differences that we can achieve sexual intimacy and better sex.
Below are just a few ways of how men can better understand their partners, what women want in bed, as well as how to improve their sexual and emotional connections:
1. You have to heat up the oven.
A woman needs romance before she can enjoy any sexual intimacy. Gifts of love are a good way to provide romance to your partner. Listening to your partner can be a great gift of love. This is because when a woman knows her partner is listening to her, she will feel validated, understood, and she knows she can trust her partner.
Some other gifts of love that can be helpful are genuine compliments, flowers, or a nice date night to make her feel extra special.
2. This isn’t a race.
The romance doesn’t have to stop when a man and a woman are becoming more physical. Romance is a crucial part of the stages of arousal. A woman has a very gradual way of becoming aroused and foreplay is very important in ensuring a woman’s sexual excitement.
Foreplay should last approximately 20 minutes. This may feel like a long time for a man, but it is a great way to provide sexual satisfaction to his partner. Be sure to make her whole body feel special.
3. Variety is the spice of sex.
Sex is like exercise. When the same exercise is done repeatedly, it can become less effective. If something brought her to an orgasm the night before, it may not work again. Variety is important and can make sex more exciting.
Spontaneity, different sexual positions, experimenting, role-playing, or playing out one another’s fantasies are great ways to give things a rush. It is crucial to discuss some of these before engaging in any of them. Couples must also be careful not to reject one another and not engage in any activities with which they are not comfortable.
4. An orgasm is not always the ultimate goal.
A man may measure his success in bed by a woman’s orgasm. The female orgasm is important, but this is not how an orgasm should be treated.
Sometimes a woman can feel just as fulfilled without an orgasm. She may enjoy the emotional connection sex may bring to the relationship or she may simply find satisfaction in bringing pleasure to her partner.
A woman can experience sexual phases, wherein some nights she may want to have sex until she reaches orgasm and some nights she may only want to bring her partner to orgasm.
A man should not be seeking approval or feel rejected when his partner doesn’t reach orgasm. A man should focus on ensuring that his partner feels special when engaging in sexual intimacy.
A woman can certainly love sex as much as a man, but she may not feel a strong desire for sex unless her need for love and romance is satisfied first. When a woman feels loved, respected, and special to her man, it keeps her sexual ambers glowing.
What about men? Here is a list of what men want in bed:
1. A little direction.
A man is a creature of habit. If he discovers something that has been effective in satisfying a woman, he will continue using that method.For a man to truly understand what arouses and excites his partner, he needs direction and this can be done with clues.
"Ooh's" and "Ahh's" are great clues and form positive reinforcement. These clues will improve his confidence and vary his approach. A woman can use her body language by gently and sensually taking his hands and putting them where she wants him to touch her.
It is important these clues are genuine because he will definitely recognize when his partner is enjoying something.
2. He always wants more.
A man can build up sexual energy and needs to release that energy to be more in touch with his emotions. A great way to quickly and effectively relieve that energy is with guilt-free quickies. A guilt-free quickie allows him to release his sexual energy without the guilt or fear of not providing sexual gratification to his partner.
Guilt-free quickies are like gifts of love to men that make him feel appreciated. It will motivate a man to reciprocate to his partner later with romance and satisfying her physical and emotional needs.
3. Keep dialogue outside the bedroom.
Sometimes clues are not enough and a more direct conversation is needed about his partner’s physical and emotional erogenous zones. It is crucial that this conversation is not had while engaging in a sexually intimate act.
When engaging in sexual intimacy, a man and a woman are in an emotionally vulnerable state and this type of conversation can create a high risk of someone getting hurt emotionally.
Dialogue conducted by a couple outside of a sexual situation can be an incredible opportunity to learn more about one another and become closer. However, it is important to be constructive, honest, and as positive as possible.
4. Rejection pushes him away.
There are times when a man will feel sexual and his partner does not. Rejecting his sexuality or being unresponsive to his sexuality can be harmful to his emotions and the passion in a relationship.
A man uses the possibility of sex as a motivation to open up emotionally, engage in more romance, and express his feelings of love and sensitivity. When a man’s sexuality is rejected repeatedly, he loses the drive to initiate sex and his ability to express his love is severely diminished.
When a woman is sexually available to a man’s sexual arousal she helps him to be more motivated in making himself available to her romantic, sexual, and emotional needs.
A man feels loved when he is appreciated, accepted, and trusted. When his touch creates a pleasured response, he feels appreciated.
By his partner desiring him sexually, he feels accepted. By believing that he can please her physically, he feels trusted. When a woman is responsive to his physical love, she is giving a man what he needs most to keep his sexual fire burning.
Couples desire to satisfy their partners sexually, but they may miss the mark because it is difficult to understand and accept their partners’ different paths to sexual satisfaction.
There are many couples who are suffering from the infrequency or absence of sex. If a couple feels sexually stuck, education through professional counseling is likely required to help a couple understand their differences, better meet their emotional needs, improve communication, and regain their connection for greater intimacy.
Richard Drobnick, LCSW, DCSW is the Director of the first Mars & Venus Counseling Center in Northern New Jersey with offices in Teaneck, Oradell, and Ramsey. He has been a practicing counselor/psychotherapist for more than 25 years. For more information on Richard Drobnick and the Mars & Venus Counseling Center, please visit their website or call 201-692-0508.